I Think That Some Dissociation Is Hindering Therapy

[onmyway76]

I've been in therapy for 4 years this time. I trust my therapist as much as I am able, but I struggle to talk about my abuse in a serious way. I believe my therapist is really getting frustrated which adds to my own anxiety.

When we try to talk about it, my stress immediately goes up, then my head goes foggy and I can't really understand what she's saying. It's like I see her and hear that she's talking, but I'm not processing anything that is being said.

Then to cope, I'll spend all my time talking about talking but never get anywhere. I'm so discouraged. I feel like my past is running my life, and I know that its time to start talking out loud. I journal and try to read parts out loud and the same thing happens.

Any suggestions or thoughts would be great.

<Edited - paragraph breaks added>

 

[bethinhfx]

Well, I am on meds: I take dexedrine for ADD and I have been in therapy, off meds and on meds, and meds made all of the difference. I know there is different camps and I was the " au natural" camp for a long time which built in strengths (running, yoga, veganism) etc., but meds have made all of the difference. Dexedrine helps ground you and keeps you focused. Thats my experience. Peace!

 

[onmyway76]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[doglover]

Tell your therapist you believe he or she is getting frustrated with you. I bet it will lead to lots of good discussion. If doing that in person is too challenging, at least write a note or email.

And as I can't speak from the side of already telling the story in a healing way, I can say I relate to the struggle to do so. In my case, I am trying to push myself harder and faster than my mind wants to go. Haven't applied enough radical self-acceptance. I'm trying to work on thanking my mind for drawing those lines as it feels it needs to for my sense of safety. And kind of talking to myself - when relaxed - to coax myself to squeeze more out into my conscious mind.

So I am trying to come up with little milestones to achieve. One day, recall more details than I have before but not necessarily talk about them. Another day, BE with the sense memories instead of trying to avoid them or use distractions.

Baby steps. Maybe something similar would work for you? Is there anything you could do to increase your feeling of safety with your T?

 

[Naya]

Sometimes using pictures to "talk" works better for me than actual talking. Collage seems to be a very powerful medium for me, and I've been fortunate to have therapists who were very open to this and encouraging about it. Perhaps it could help you too. Thanks for sharing with us!

 

[bethinhfx]

I am going back into some therapy here and I would like to use pictures as well. I have before and it was really helpful!

 

[onmyway76]

Well, my therapist 'let me go' today. I'm hurt and confused. I'm sure these strategies will be helpful still. Thank you to everyone.

 

[doglover]

Let you go??? Did you know this was coming?

 

[onmyway76]

No, I didn't. I noticed about 3 weeks ago that she seemed sort of frustrated with me when I'd try to finally share my experiences. (it has been very slow) I received no feedback except that I sounded like I was blaming myself (which we never processed.) Then, the session was just over. Last week, as I struggled to share, she told me that she felt that I was being manipulative, controlling and 'borderline-ish.'

I was so confused. I had no idea where that came from or what she meant. I have definitely struggled to find the words and have left very discouraged on many occasions because the fear seems to win. Sometimes I space out when I get anxious about trying to speak and can't focus in on what's present. Having said that, my motive has never been to manipulate or control anyone. I just feel scared and ashamed and I haven't known how to manage the spacing out that I do when I become anxious or scared.

Today, she told me it was time to stop seeing her and that she was aware of my dissociation, but felt that I had learned enough through therapy, groups, and books to know what to do.

I just don't get it. We've never discussed any of this before today. I feel like I was booted without the proper tools right before a real breakthrough. I was finally starting to use my voice. Maybe I was more dysfunctional than I realize. Not sure. Trying to get a grip and not feel sorry for myself.

 

[bethinhfx]

Your therapist SUCKS. Empower yourself: what do you need?; how can you get your needs met?' who can meet them. I had a similar experience with a therapist here and came home and had my first sexual abuse flashback and have had 4 since in the last 10 days (have been in shock). Case in point "real breakthrough". I went to the hospital and had a terrible and disempowering meeting with a psychiatrist and FINALLY talked to some social workers with crisis mental health and I am meeting with two of them on Thursday. I am being pro-active, assertive and am kind of screaming. Pls don't internalize your therapists lack of judgement and really lack of care. I think people get burnt out or may have their own agenda. You will find someone. Don't give up on yourself!

 

[doglover]

Agree with bethinhfx - don't internalize this. Therapists burn out or have agendas. They are human. This wasn't the right one for you. Especially if you saw her for four years and still had trouble finding your voice more often than not. With the right fit, you could expect to be further along than that because you would have felt safer than you have felt with this therapist. (I am guessing on that but generally that is the kind of thing that happens much of the time. Doesn't mean I know what I'm talking about, though.)

This is an opportunity to start fresh. Maybe write things down or take a notebook to write them down so the therapist still gets information. It will make it go easier for you in the long run if you can think of a way to express yourself in there.

 

[onmyway76]

Thank you both. That really did help me. What you said was very insightful. I have been struggling to decide if it was me or the therapist. I obviously know I have some issues and try pretty hard to own them. I wish it would have ended in a more constructive way, but it didn't.

I'm going to look for another therapist and just try to stabilize a bit for now. Trying to talk about my experiences made all of my anxiety issues so much worse, that I feel like I need to take a few days off.

Hopefully it won't prove to be too challenging to find a new therapist with more of a specialty in trauma. The timing is poor. I just changed jobs and lost my health insurance 3 weeks ago.