I Think You Will Find This Rare

[anni]

Oh, please don't think I'm doing that frustrating 'cheer up' thing, :) Yes, one of the bottom lines is being soooo tired- I'm a couple decades post-trauma, too, and sometimes the dam effort ( seriously ) of putting and keeping all this together feels like it takes the concentration of going out to start your car and finding the engine disassembled all over the lawn. Have to go pick up all the bits, stick them back under the hood and see if one's done it properly and the thing turns over when the key's turned. Exhausting when a daily event, isn't it? In point of fact shouldn't have written that because now wish to go back to bed and leave the parts OUT there.

 

[Dot Warner]

Hi Anni,

Thanks to be so sincere. I don't live the same of you, but I can understand.

Now I am insisting more with the MBST technique (my personal one), I will tell you if it works. In the mean time I am quite sad for all that I lost in these 15 years (and in the previous years, when my parents used to keep me closed in the house). I can't see the time to began to live.

I wish you the best.

 

[anni]

Hi Dot,

I wish you the best, also. That is sincere. The burden of keeping up answering posts can be alot, so please don't feel you do 'have' to. Your trauma must have resulted in so many, many things which require your energy to overcome-it does take so much!! If you're feeling like you can, please do let us know how that is going for you. Awful to think others would have shared your particular trauma but tragically I'll bet someone has somewhere here, and will understand more of what you're healing through. Sometimes it's comforting just not being alone with that burden also, at least it is for me. A person can find it here.

Do take care,

Anni

 

[Dot Warner]

Hi Anni,

You're so sweet.

What I understand of the metaphor you did is that you have been trying to work every day, but it's impossible because you are broken and you don't know how to repair your mind.

I really understand you. Mine is a little different.

My mind has been so empty and unable to funcion, for 12 years and more, so much that I have been like a boat in the ocean without a capitan, I have been walking in the dark without knowing were I was putting my feet.

I have never been motionless, I have walked the same because I wanted to live, always in a mess, acting without knowing what I was doing. Many people have used me.
I have tryed and tryed and tryed to remeber, to swithc the engine on again, but I am still in the same point of 15 years ago. With a difference.
Now I know that my mind is blocked because an emotion is blocked.

And the emotion that is blocked is anger. Since when I was 15 I have desired to kill my parents and my brother. I did't do that only not to go to jail. And this is the same reason I still don't do that for.

In the last 2 years I have been better, I have learned to stay between people a little bit. And I have experimented that revange is a real cure. If there is something that repair my brain is revange.
So, what should I do??!!!??
This drives me crazy. Because if I imagine myself with them I imagine to kill them with my naked hands. I know I can do that.

I could tell many many other things.. it' so long...

Stay up!

Dot.

 

[anni]

I understand that, too, to a point. Yours was SOO awful. I can't imagine, Dot!

I do remember when I first started therapy,my therapist shocked me very much by telling me I should imagine all my revenge thoughts. She said to release them there. in the office, and give full imaginary rein to them all I wanted. I had many, many, many, you know. They were vivid and exact, and very well thought out, too. They scared me terribly. I'm a nice, normal ( I think :) ) mom, who really has no violent tendencies and never did. I was pretty much obsessed with this revenge, could not speak of it because it was so odd I thought someone would lock me up but could not seem to stop!Anyway, the first therapist was not very good in most ways but this she really got out of my head very well. It doesn't sound as if it should do anything but it did!In the office, for weeks and weeks, I just went over and over every awful revenge fantasy I had, built on them, imagined them, spoke of them freely and envisioned them.OH the things I did to that abuser in my imagination!! Believe it or not, I don't really have much of an outward anger impulse, either, so suppose it was all allowed out in these sessions somewhere! Over time, the line between what I really would go and do, finally, became clearer and clearer, and my 'sanity' about this returned. I don't know how else to say it? I wasn't scared anymore I would actually go and do anything to GET him, or protect us in that way. I still loathe and detest the man, who is now deceased, but I didn't have anything to do with his death-he did himself in eventually as all evil people do, I think.I am beyond grateful still to have had that therapist at that time take SUCH clear action for me-it gave me such peace knowing I could control all that, you know?

These horrible, evil swine take enough away from us. It's terrible they get to own our thoughts, too, isn't it? There's a lot of talk of forgiving them, but I know I've never gotten there and never will. Not letting him have a place in my head is as far as I've gotten. I hope some form of therapy you're in can help kick yours out of your own head! Oh my, you deserve some peace!

Anni

 

[Dot Warner]

That's the point, sister. I didn't want to struggle because I wanted be focoused on my life and I did't want to became like them.
So I only defended myself, I bacame a master of strategy.
I developed spiritually and mentally to be strong.
But it was too much. It was not natural (above all if one has to force himself so strongly for the firts 20 years of his life), if you know what I mean.

I am not obsessed with revenge but I actually think, with the the mind cold, that it would be me veeeeeery good to me.
I have been almost until now a very fragile person, without mental defenses, because of the crash down I had.
To give you another example of how my mental abilities have been reduced for more than 12 years (and 3 more, in which things have gone a little better), if I had to do 2 things in the same day, like do my manicure and go out to buy some food, I only was able to do one, because it was too heavy to keep in mind and organize two activities. And many times I was able to do neither the first nor the second activity, because my mind couldn't stend with the planification of 2 things in the same day, 2 simple things.

I could make you many other examples..

I only want to be good.

Dot.

 

[Dot Warner]

I only want to be good.

I wanted to say that I want feel good.
Dot.

 

[anni]

Hi again,

It does sound as if you're very far beyond what I was at that time, and much stronger. I wasn't able, for a very, very long time, to think with a cold mind. It would have made things much easier because the emotions could have stopped making decisions for me, if you know what I mean! The not being able to do many things at once is still problem for me sometimes, if I do not plan a busy time carefully enough. It's MUCH better than it used to be, but yes, I do remember when would not function at ALL if there was just too much to do, and even more than one appointment in a whole week was intolerable. That was hard, with children, and left me confused most days.

I do know that your trauma was of a very long lasting nature, and horrific in consequences. It's just taken even more energy and resolve for you to get as far as you have, and I genuinely have a huge respect for that-cannot imagine. Even your ability to make your mind 'cold', which I think must be a description of thinking of things in a detached way, is something I don't think I could do very well, and still can't of my abuser. Oh, I do hope you do have some peace, and can feel good!

I suppose anything one could 'do' which would be revenge, if one thinks about, seems satisying. The only thing is, haven't they taken enough of your life and energy? It's all so personal, so maybe it's only what is helpful in my own head so please disregard if unhelful. My abuser was scum. I would have liked to see terrible things happen to him, but on the other hand, I also wanted every single scrap of him as far away from as possible, and detached from my life.I just felt better not giving him any more energy than I had to, He became as invisible as I could make him, like he did not exist. I also knew that he would end up destroying himself because all people like that do, they care so evil they can't help it. He did, too. He's dead now, and did it all by himself because horrible humans like he was self-destruct-they don't need any help.

This forum has been a really healing place to be. Not being alone with everything just is helpful for some reason. I'm not sure why. I do hope you can find the way to feel good, Dot, or at least begin to!

 

[Dot Warner]

Thank you Annie,

I am glad that you can exactly understand what I mean when I talk about not to be able to do two simple things in the same day. That of the entire week happened to me too, if it wasn't so tragic, it would be hilarious.

I am cold because I gave myself a very strict discipline and self control from when I was 6, I had to. To survive. I told you I am like a soldier. I have been raped too. But my wrost experience is the years I have passed with my family. They raped me too, between other things.

I have problems with my emotions because I have this habit to silence them. So...We have to try and keep trying, to walk and to live until when we find a solution.

I want to find peace, too.

Dot.

ps. about revenge, that is very personal, as you said.

Take care!!!

 

[Lyrafire]

Hello Dot and All. I'm new here also, but so glad I stumbled across this forum. I was diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. I was surprised, actually, when my therapist told me. But at the same time, my symptoms--which I never thought of as symptoms--all suddenly made sense. Ridiculous that I didn't notice that tunnel vision, droning in my head, tics, entering trance-like states, and having melt-downs are all symptoms of something. Duh!

Dot--thanks you for posting the poem. I love poetry, and am, in fact, a poet myself. And like you, I'm having a hard time dealing with stress these days. I did so well for so long, but now I feel like I've imploded--and I guess I have. I also feel as if I'm getting to know myself all over again, but not in a good way. It's strange. I'll have to look up the poem that anni mentioned.

 

[Dot Warner]

Hallo Lyrafire,

It would be so nice if a poem was sufficient to heal...

I am so lost that I can't realize time passing and in a moment I am in front of an event or an appointment or a test I had to prepare, or, many times, I remember them when they have already passed. I feel so sad about that, I don't know if you can imagine. Also because I am completly alone. Maybe sometimes a person helping me to organize my things and to be mentally there ( and not in the empty space..) would make the difference..

I Have passed the last 15 years trying and struggling, but I am going around like a dog barking to his own tale. I know many things about my condition, I don't need to read more or to analyze myself more. But this hasn't been sufficient, either. For many years I have lived without understanding anything, because I was not able to think. I was not able to have a long thought, only isolated, small, very simple ones. Like if I was mentally retarded.

I am better now, but not so much. My life is still a real mess and I don't know how much I can resist because I am conscious now, but descapacitated.

All the best.

 

[anni]

It's so nice to see Lyrafire ( Hi! :) ) liked your posting the poem-it's funny these things are so helpful. I know so much isn't for you-must be so frustrating. I did just think of something, you know. The fact that you can be touched by poetry, in my opinion, seems like a good thing-maybe like something is allowing healing. I only say this because i reminded myself on another thread that I just didn't allow myself to do that, or listen to music, or do any single thing which would make me feel TOO MUCH. No kidding-for YEARS! I did not take the risk I'd feel tooooo much.You and Lyrafire at least have that to turn to, and that has to mean something good, a little.

Those symptoms must be terribly, terribly frustrating. The organizing thing-are there any sevices where you are that have people who can come and maybe help you with this sort of thing? it sounds like you're beginning to know what might be helpful. There are also so many people here in the forum, if you read old posts, who do what you talked about with missing appointments, forgetting things, having terrible memory problems. Even if yours are extreme, at least knowing others share the same awful moments is sometimes helpful, I think.

I do hope you can feel a little less alone talking to people here. You so deserve some peace and comfort now. I am not in your position, but I do know what it used to be like being lonely without anyone to feel close to and it's awful, especially when you're in pain.

Do take care!

Anni