I throw up from the truama memories

[Sam]

I went into an intense out patient program to treat my ptsd caused by a rather traumatic death of my grandfather. I was with him when in happened. Iwas doing exsposure therapy. And I would often times end up throwing up in my therapists trash can. And be sick for the rest of the day. And whenever I have a bad flashback or nightmare I'm sick again. I often have to run out of lectures because I start retching. My professor is aware of the situation. But it's so embarrassing to run out of class with my hand over my mouth, obviously heaving. Then to have to walk back in 8- 12 minutes later. All sweaty pale and weak. We've had to stop treatment for now because I was relapsing a lot in my self harming behaviors, and ED behaviors. She says we have to wait until I'm ready to commit to doing my exsposures every day. And not engaging in problem behavior. It's hard because the emotions are quite intense and scary. Which then causes the nausea and retching. Last week I totally freaked in session. I was scared of the shadows in the room, scared to eat, scared by the thought of never cutting again. And I just started shaking and crying saying. I don't know what's happening over and over again. I used ice on my Face like she told me, and that helped. I'm seeing her again tomorrow. (My therapist) and I'm throwing just thinking about it. I've thrown up six times during the time I have been typing this. I'm just feeling really scared and I'm certain about what I'm supposed to do with my life. Or if the whole things to hard. Though giving up can't be an option neither is self harm. The only way through this is to fight, with treatment. It's just really hard. I've been feeling so much pain for so long I'm just feed up with it. And ashamed that I'm this way. With my MDD, GAD, and PTSD. I don't know. But if anyone has advice or encouragements they have found helpful. I would greatly appreciate if that information was shared. Thanks for listening/ reading.

 

[Eliza]

Hi Sam,
Firstly, I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Throwing up is a common physical effect from anxiety (I personally struggle with it coming out the other end, so often have to run out to use the bathroom!).
Self harm is definitely not a viable long term option. You are stronger than that. Ice is one option. Have you also tried wearing an elastic band or hair tie around your wrist? Then pull it and flick it against your wrist when you feel the urge to harm yourself? It gives you that same stinging feeling without causing long term damage.
I don't know if you've seen as well, the National Self Harm Network. It's a support forum specifically for self harm. I sometimes found it triggering, but it's generally very supportive, and they have lots of downloads of distraction techniques. NSHN Forum
Sorry I haven't got any decent answers, but try to stay positive, stay grounded. Take some deep breaths. And remember that throwing up from anxiety is normal. Sometimes even knowing that is enough to ease the anxiety - at least around the throwing up anyway!

 

[New]

Hi Sam! I throw up many times when it is really bad. It is like your body can’t take the trauma and is trying to release it. I have found meditation works better for me than most therapy. My therapist taught me to meditate and close my eyes and try to visualize releasing the trauma by taking a deep breath in then exhaling out and imagining it being released from my body. It helps me settle down sometimes but of course it comes back with triggers whenever I least expect it.
You are doing some REALLY hard work and you should be so proud of yourself. I have to pull back from therapy way too much but I refuse to feel bad about it anymore. Just take one step at a time and celebrate each time you do a therapy session no matter how small.