runswithwolves
Bronze Member
I recently ended a relationship with someone I loved deeply. During the relationship i was recovery greatly with the love and support. But we hit a huge road block. I was in process of filing a lawsuit on my ex and the police, it back fired to me having to go to court for crimes I didn't commit and loose my license. I cant drive I cant work, I am afraid of retaliation. Our relationship crashed I started suffering the worse symptoms. Couldnt sleep, couldnt eat, panic attachs, flash backs and much more. At first he handled well. but then he started accussing me of being dramatic and more. Since I am afraid the my abuser knew the police and me trying to report him led to me loosing my license and more I have developed a fear of the police. So when he got pulled over for not stopping when he felt he did, he thought it was the police trying to bother me again so he got defensive and aggressive with them and in return they did the same and it led to a panic attack. The police handled it decent when they saw me shaking and doing the eyes glazed over thing. but my partner got very upset said I was making things worse and I was going to cause him to go to jail, I guess that triggered me more because my abusive ex would do the same thing and many blamed me for him going to jail and more. So I go full on ptsd freak out panic mode, and said I was being dramatic. The police seemed to feel bad because they wrote a fix it ticket. and let us go, but he was MAD. He drove me home and I ran and hid under my bed, I know it sounds crazy but he basically started telling me things about how I am dramatic I lie and more saying he wanted to break up and my behavior was ridiculous. He left and after arguing on the phone I tell him its all too much and I want to die. He got even more upset, told me I was trying to manipulate him. I felt more like shit. I guess he triggered me the worse because he sounded like me abusive ex. I got blamed for the ticket, I got accused of things I didn't do, personally attacked on top of the stress of trying to work through a broken system to have the voice and get the resources I need to recover. I did want to die in that moment because it was so much, but not to manipulate him. I explain to him before that suicidal thoughts can be a symptom and something I dealt with in the past and for the first time in forever I felt it, and maybe I should not have told him but I thought hed care enough to try to help and not just attack me, He said he doesn't want to be with a woman who can kill herself any moment. It hurt so badly. I got help the next day, found a way to affordably get back on meds and am trying to build healthy social support. We ended up making up and trying again but it didn't work. I felt his view of me changed, I didn't feel safe anymore, I was having way more panic attacks, he was doing things that made me feel he was being manipulative. I told him I obvously needed help and I felt him not having his own place were he shared a small small place and me having a roomate as well caused problems in our relationship because we had no privacy or intimate time only in his car, so if I take a step back see a doctor get back on track and he gets his own place things will be better. He seem to take it as an attack, because he started telling me horrible things about my situation. I felt he had to attack me and my character to feel he exit the relationship guilt free. He said I am too sexual, but just a few weeks ago he complained we didn't have sex enough, so I did start having sex more often but it was always in his car unless I payed for a hotel room, then he switched and says at the end I am too sexual. I don't get it, something seems off, I don't feel safe anymore. And to be honest I do feel much guilt like I should have not allowed myself to get into a relationship while still processing and dealing with trauma. Like I hurt to experience the trauma with me. Like maybe I shouldn't ever try to commit to someone because it will be painful it will be confusing. I don't want to die anymore. And I got help. But I lost something. My drive to create a safe partnership and have a family and make sure my children never experience the trauma I did and to see them grow with love. I feel that my ptsd will always bring pain and challenges and I don't want to bother anyone with that.
