As the child of a mother who’s decided to have a baby unilaterally, I find this quite triggering. Personally, it doesn’t make sense to me to bring a person of my genes to fulfill the pit of my lack of affection. I remember the weird clinging of my mom only too well. Nowadays however, after 10 years of therapy, she actually became quite nurturing and I appreciate my relationship with her now. Still not too close. Still an ocean between me and her. But I can see how wonderful therapy can be. It does work.
However I also do struggle with condoms and stuff. More in a vibe of fearing to kill the mood… It’s been very consistent and problematic, hopefully I haven’t gotten anything bad so far. It’s certainly one of the areas in life I feel the most silly, especially that I really don’t want any child. For me it’s more a bizarre mix of hypocondria with dissociation and self-harm or abdicating consent. I can’t explain it in another way, now that I have the time I should analyze the chain of behaviors and the beliefs behind this.
At times I envisioned having children with D., but both of us understood that it was our own sense of lost childhood that prompted that, as well as nostalgia for the countries we were from, the desire to pass a culture and different visions that otherwise may simply die. But knowing our instability and the tendency to furiously scream at each other and slam doors if not worse, we really know it’s the kind of idea that is a very bad idea. Obviously they would be gorgeous and extremely intelligent (obviously), and they’d know 5 languages of 3 different groups right ahead, but the odds are they’d be as f*cked as us if not worse. The odds are also that I’d have to keep them because at the end of the day I’m the most stable. And I would get super resentful. And small children scare me to death. So, big no no.
One day when I’ll be old enough for not feeling destabilized by anything, I might foster kids. This I find it reasonable and useful?
