Bubblegum
Learning
- Ok, so, I'm so so sorry about my over activity, but I don't have anywhere else to go until I get my new therapist, I feel like I'm hanging off the edge, but I'm trying to stay strong, but it's just getting increasingly harder lately (my old therapist wasn't great: "oh but see you have good memories too!" and "get over it, it's in the past" you know the kind), I have a lot more unresolved trauma outside of romantic relationships (extreme bullying in school, abusive parent, abusive family member, shooting, survivors guilt, rape, person close to me committing suicide, death of family members and close friends due to disease, and I just lost my dog so) but my relationship is what I'm going to try to focus on in this - it's been hard for me to open up properly to anyone except my bf, so I'm a little nervous.
I'm just so worried that my bf will get sick of me, or that he's going to get depressed or sick from me talking about it so much, I don't want to hurt him, wear him thin. I have finally met a person that's nice to me, that respects my feelings, that understands me, I sometimes cry at night thinking about how f*cking blessed I am to have him in my life, and because it feels weird, as they're the first person in my life to respect my feelings and boundaries, like it should have always been like this. He takes care of me, but I want to take care of myself, because I don't want to be a burden on him or our relationship.
Before him I wasn't in the greatest place, my ex is the first person that I truly f*cking despised (there's one more but I wont go into it) and it took me a long time to try to validate my experience and stop blaming myself (I still do blame myself, just don't constantly tell myself that I deserved the physical and emotional abuse as much anymore) and thing is that old relationship lasted for 3+ years, and then I met my new bf 6 months after that, it was a bumpy ride in the beginning, especially since I had to move from our old apartment, and my ex kept his stuff there and all, (he used me as kind of a storage locker, and also kept the spare keys to the apartment long after breaking up, and would show up unannounced in the middle of the night to sexually harass me or be overall inappropriate, like show up drunk, again, out of nowhere, I had to move. He took advantage of me sexually, while I was being drunk at my own Halloween party at some point too. A friend wanted to invite him, and I didn't want to start any drama. But lo and behold now I am the villain)
Ex bf would be calling my phone as soon as me and my current partner made it official, just to shout and call me names, like slut, whore and so on. And tell me shit like "you better not treat *name of partner* like you treated me" telling me over the phone that I'm an abusive monster who could never be loved by anyone else, And I still believe that on my lower days.
(I couldn't block him due to the move, so id get messages too, now days I can't have sound activated on my phone, because the tone of a dm or call, makes me all kinds of anxious)
So thing is, and ngl it's hard to write, I have never had to deal with this kind of baggage in a new relationship, did my other ex'es suck? Yeah few didn't, some did drugs, some had anger issues, but I didn't live with any of them, so I could escape fairly easily if need be.
But all of my exe's and old relationships is nothing compared to what I had to endure for those three years feeling trapped in that apartment, and now my current bf is dealing with idk what to call it, but the "after shake" essentially, and it's really exhausting for us both. Because the mental state I'm currently in, I have never had to deal with in a 'fresh' relationship. It's just gotten worse during covid, because I have no way of keeping myself busy, especially after I lost my job.
I get so on edge if the mood has changed ever so slightly in the room, I don't sleep much due to all the intrusive thoughts, and I can't fall asleep if he is sleeping (I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety) the insomnia comes in waves, and I had to go to the ER for it back in February. So the lack of sleep makes me feel even more neurotic, and I'm so overly sensitive to noises and specific actions, like, loud sighing, wheeze laughing, emotional distancing (my ex would punish me by withholding all physical intimacy that I needed during meltdowns/breakdowns, because that was only reserved for "good girls", my bf just needs a little space every now and then which is 100% ok, and I'm trying to work out a plan B for days where he's too tired)
I break down if he doesn't look at me in "the right way"
sudden loud noises literally makes me jump out of my seat, knocking on the door, or ringing of the doorbell really throws me off balance, even if we're expecting guests (I'll go hide in the bedroom and have my partner answer it, I'm dealing with some heavy mind fog these days too which doesn't help)
Drilling, shouting (he's a gamer, and he play's online with friends, so was my ex, and they have the same dialect, and are both loud, he talks English with me in order to avoid me having a panic attack, which isn't a big deal for him, considering he's American, but he doesn't with his friends)
He can literally poke me in the shoulder while I'm working, or stick his head around the corner of the door and say "hi" and I'll jump, like, it's weird and I do not know how to explain it.
I'm overreacting a lot too like, I'm coming off hostile to my partner even when I don't mean to necessarily, and I'm overthinking and overanalyzing everything he says, I keep thinking that we are worse off then we are, I question if he really truly loves me even when he literally said to me that he wants to get married next year, it doesn't matter how much he showers me in love and affection, I still question him, it hurts.
It hurts because I feel like he'd be happier without a broken person, it hurts because Id rather be dead then have children with him, in fear of leaving more people behind, but I want that life with him so bad, but the fear is just f*cking awful. I've had my first attempt in 5 years during the pandemic, I'm scared.
It just f*cking hurts so, so so much, because I feel like I don't bring anything good into his life, like I can't even have sexual intercourse unless I'm having a manic episode, due to my trauma (I've been raped before by two "friends", there was a date rape, and my ex had a sex addiction and would threaten me to, I have a hard time connecting sex with love these days) so I'm sitting here like a big fat f*cking question mark, why are you still here, like you're getting nothing out of it. And then he reminds me of why he is, holding my hand at 4AM while I'm having an episode, again. I don't deserve this guy.
I just can't stop feeling like I don't deserve any of this, I don't deserve him. I've been trying so hard to get back on my feet, but I feel like I'm back to square one, and that I am overstaying my welcome.
Some days I don't even see him as him it feels like, I get so irrationally angry or scared, I scream out of fear, I shout "don't f*cking touch me", some days I beg him to punish me, knowing he would never lay a hand on me, and I don't know why, maybe I feel like if he's frustrated and he takes it out on me, we will be happier, It f*cking hurts, the shame and the guilt from my actions weighs me further down every week. I used to seek refuge in the bathroom when I felt on edge, not to have anyone else deal with it, but now I don't notice it until I explodes. Sometimes I just disconnect with everything, like I can't even talk or communicate,
I don't mean to do these things, the aggression, the panic attacks. And I sure as hell don't know where all this is coming from, like where the f*ck did all of these things come from, it started 4-5 years ago, my memory is messed up though, so I don't even know what's real anymore. I can't stop being on guard, I want to quit so bad, none of my usual stims or safe spaces in the apartment work anymore, I can't even distract myself with games or hobbies.
All I know is that I want to get better, so that I can be the person he deserves to be with, I want to be myself 100% again whatever that used to be, I don't want him to fix me, I want to be strong for the both of us. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost and I don't know where to begin, I can't stop beating myself up over it. I just don't know where to start tackling this mental spaghetti that is my brain
I really just don't know where to begin, I'm sorry if this is very long and confusing post. But either way, thank you so much for taking some time off your day/night to read or comment, I really appreciate it, if I don't get back to you right away I might have hopefully dozed off, since it's like 5AM, but thank you and I am sorry for all of the text
(also quick note, realizing that around january three years ago is when my old relationship was at it's worst before my ex broke up with me sometime in summer the same year, and I'm wondering if that could be the reason for me being so vigilant and on guard, I feel like I can relax better once it's been over 3 years with my current partner idk, I hope I will)
I'm just so worried that my bf will get sick of me, or that he's going to get depressed or sick from me talking about it so much, I don't want to hurt him, wear him thin. I have finally met a person that's nice to me, that respects my feelings, that understands me, I sometimes cry at night thinking about how f*cking blessed I am to have him in my life, and because it feels weird, as they're the first person in my life to respect my feelings and boundaries, like it should have always been like this. He takes care of me, but I want to take care of myself, because I don't want to be a burden on him or our relationship.
Before him I wasn't in the greatest place, my ex is the first person that I truly f*cking despised (there's one more but I wont go into it) and it took me a long time to try to validate my experience and stop blaming myself (I still do blame myself, just don't constantly tell myself that I deserved the physical and emotional abuse as much anymore) and thing is that old relationship lasted for 3+ years, and then I met my new bf 6 months after that, it was a bumpy ride in the beginning, especially since I had to move from our old apartment, and my ex kept his stuff there and all, (he used me as kind of a storage locker, and also kept the spare keys to the apartment long after breaking up, and would show up unannounced in the middle of the night to sexually harass me or be overall inappropriate, like show up drunk, again, out of nowhere, I had to move. He took advantage of me sexually, while I was being drunk at my own Halloween party at some point too. A friend wanted to invite him, and I didn't want to start any drama. But lo and behold now I am the villain)
Ex bf would be calling my phone as soon as me and my current partner made it official, just to shout and call me names, like slut, whore and so on. And tell me shit like "you better not treat *name of partner* like you treated me" telling me over the phone that I'm an abusive monster who could never be loved by anyone else, And I still believe that on my lower days.
(I couldn't block him due to the move, so id get messages too, now days I can't have sound activated on my phone, because the tone of a dm or call, makes me all kinds of anxious)
So thing is, and ngl it's hard to write, I have never had to deal with this kind of baggage in a new relationship, did my other ex'es suck? Yeah few didn't, some did drugs, some had anger issues, but I didn't live with any of them, so I could escape fairly easily if need be.
But all of my exe's and old relationships is nothing compared to what I had to endure for those three years feeling trapped in that apartment, and now my current bf is dealing with idk what to call it, but the "after shake" essentially, and it's really exhausting for us both. Because the mental state I'm currently in, I have never had to deal with in a 'fresh' relationship. It's just gotten worse during covid, because I have no way of keeping myself busy, especially after I lost my job.
I get so on edge if the mood has changed ever so slightly in the room, I don't sleep much due to all the intrusive thoughts, and I can't fall asleep if he is sleeping (I'm dealing with a lot of anxiety) the insomnia comes in waves, and I had to go to the ER for it back in February. So the lack of sleep makes me feel even more neurotic, and I'm so overly sensitive to noises and specific actions, like, loud sighing, wheeze laughing, emotional distancing (my ex would punish me by withholding all physical intimacy that I needed during meltdowns/breakdowns, because that was only reserved for "good girls", my bf just needs a little space every now and then which is 100% ok, and I'm trying to work out a plan B for days where he's too tired)
I break down if he doesn't look at me in "the right way"
sudden loud noises literally makes me jump out of my seat, knocking on the door, or ringing of the doorbell really throws me off balance, even if we're expecting guests (I'll go hide in the bedroom and have my partner answer it, I'm dealing with some heavy mind fog these days too which doesn't help)
Drilling, shouting (he's a gamer, and he play's online with friends, so was my ex, and they have the same dialect, and are both loud, he talks English with me in order to avoid me having a panic attack, which isn't a big deal for him, considering he's American, but he doesn't with his friends)
He can literally poke me in the shoulder while I'm working, or stick his head around the corner of the door and say "hi" and I'll jump, like, it's weird and I do not know how to explain it.
I'm overreacting a lot too like, I'm coming off hostile to my partner even when I don't mean to necessarily, and I'm overthinking and overanalyzing everything he says, I keep thinking that we are worse off then we are, I question if he really truly loves me even when he literally said to me that he wants to get married next year, it doesn't matter how much he showers me in love and affection, I still question him, it hurts.
It hurts because I feel like he'd be happier without a broken person, it hurts because Id rather be dead then have children with him, in fear of leaving more people behind, but I want that life with him so bad, but the fear is just f*cking awful. I've had my first attempt in 5 years during the pandemic, I'm scared.
It just f*cking hurts so, so so much, because I feel like I don't bring anything good into his life, like I can't even have sexual intercourse unless I'm having a manic episode, due to my trauma (I've been raped before by two "friends", there was a date rape, and my ex had a sex addiction and would threaten me to, I have a hard time connecting sex with love these days) so I'm sitting here like a big fat f*cking question mark, why are you still here, like you're getting nothing out of it. And then he reminds me of why he is, holding my hand at 4AM while I'm having an episode, again. I don't deserve this guy.
I just can't stop feeling like I don't deserve any of this, I don't deserve him. I've been trying so hard to get back on my feet, but I feel like I'm back to square one, and that I am overstaying my welcome.
Some days I don't even see him as him it feels like, I get so irrationally angry or scared, I scream out of fear, I shout "don't f*cking touch me", some days I beg him to punish me, knowing he would never lay a hand on me, and I don't know why, maybe I feel like if he's frustrated and he takes it out on me, we will be happier, It f*cking hurts, the shame and the guilt from my actions weighs me further down every week. I used to seek refuge in the bathroom when I felt on edge, not to have anyone else deal with it, but now I don't notice it until I explodes. Sometimes I just disconnect with everything, like I can't even talk or communicate,
I don't mean to do these things, the aggression, the panic attacks. And I sure as hell don't know where all this is coming from, like where the f*ck did all of these things come from, it started 4-5 years ago, my memory is messed up though, so I don't even know what's real anymore. I can't stop being on guard, I want to quit so bad, none of my usual stims or safe spaces in the apartment work anymore, I can't even distract myself with games or hobbies.
All I know is that I want to get better, so that I can be the person he deserves to be with, I want to be myself 100% again whatever that used to be, I don't want him to fix me, I want to be strong for the both of us. I just feel so overwhelmed and lost and I don't know where to begin, I can't stop beating myself up over it. I just don't know where to start tackling this mental spaghetti that is my brain
I really just don't know where to begin, I'm sorry if this is very long and confusing post. But either way, thank you so much for taking some time off your day/night to read or comment, I really appreciate it, if I don't get back to you right away I might have hopefully dozed off, since it's like 5AM, but thank you and I am sorry for all of the text
(also quick note, realizing that around january three years ago is when my old relationship was at it's worst before my ex broke up with me sometime in summer the same year, and I'm wondering if that could be the reason for me being so vigilant and on guard, I feel like I can relax better once it's been over 3 years with my current partner idk, I hope I will)