@Smile - I am sorry you're in a very bad place right now. I've been there, and I understand that feeling, especially when it's gone on for years and the small changes seem overwhelmed by the big setbacks.
First off - we aren't a crisis site. Do you believe you are in danger of hurting yourself today? If so - please call your local crisis line or take yourself to the hospital.
The thing about choosing death is that it's a one-time-only choice. It's the end of the road. The pain doesn't end; everything stops. That's a very different thing. You aren't there to experience the pain ending, you are simply dead.
No-one can promise you it will get better; no-one can guarantee it will get worse, either. The one thing that is constant about everything is change. Things change. Time doesn't stand completely still. Sometimes our circumstances change, sometimes our viewpoint on them changes, sometimes both.
I read in another thread that your disability case was decided favorably, for you - do you think that is in any way relating to you having these thoughts right now?
I've removed the statement about your friend from your OP, and you are getting a warning for describing a method in a way that is too close to plan, and not just ideation. I want you to know that doesn't mean you can't talk on this thread. What it means is - if you are afraid, you need to reach out to the real world around you and get help. Call 911, call a crisis line, get to the hospital.
But if you need a place to express and vent about your frustration, your pain, your fear - this thread is here for you, and so are we. I don't know why I'm not giving up, either - the only reason I could give you is that I know that things do change, even if I'm not seeing them change right now. And I don't know how to take away that chance; I don't want to.
My heart goes out to you, and I'm thinking of you.
