I Want To Remember The Good Times Too!

[Enaila]

I sat behind a four year old in church today. He was wiggly, but quiet and kept snuggling up to his mom to give her hugs. Try as I might, I can't remember positive memories when my boys were that age...much about them at all. What I do remember is the constant fear and vigilance I had to keep them safe from dangerous people like their father and his friends with drug and alcohol addictions. What I remember now takes over my mind as flashbacks. I want some of the happy memories back. I know there has to be some. I try to remember and instead start flashing one after another...my then four year old being kidnapped by his father, the boys' father and his friend, a registered child sex offender, trying to take both boys off playground during recess, my children calling me a bitch after a weekend visit with their dad "that's what dad said your name is mom". I remember my seven year old coming home telling me he rescued his brother out of a big garbage can with syringes in it while his father was taking a nap and couldn't be woken up. I remember trying and trying to find a way to protect them and being told by lawyers and the police, their abuser had a right to see them as he was their father. Okay...need to ground now...We are safe. We are okay. Their abuser can never hurt us again. I know my boys love me.....I just want to remember some of their childhood memories!

 

[Tinyflame]

I think over time it helps, it's easier to tease out a few good memories from the bad +/or traumatic ones. It seems to help to have actual reminders of the good ones- perhaps something you can remember, or your children remember (a happy moment, maybe a present they enjoyed or something, something fun you did with them or sport, etc), or a photo etc.

Also, they may have better memories than you, in their lack of knowledge/ understanding, whereas you may not be able to shake the info/ fear/ worries you were aware of, during the forming of those memories.

Maybe you can make new memories now. Not the same thing I know, but we can't do the impossible.

Hugs to you, glad you are all safe. :hug:

 

[Enaila]

I think over time it helps, it's easier to tease out a few good memories from the bad +/or traumatic one...

My oldest graduates next Saturday from college and my youngest is almost done with his freshman year of college. I am just getting to the point where I can share about having PTSD and think maybe now that they are young adults, I don't have to keep things so guarded. I came across their dad's death certificate as well as a copy of the autopsy and didn't know what to do with it. (He died almost 12 years ago in May, but it still seems like yesterday. He died from his disease of drug and alcohol addiction.) I asked the boys if they wanted it. My oldest said no immediately and the youngest said he would like to read it someday, but wasn't ready yet, so I am holding onto it. I hope they have good memories from their childhood, but honestly haven't had a chance to talk to them about it. I do know we were able to escape from the abuser when the youngest was one and oldest five due to my ex's lawyer not realizing a distance for moving wasn't included in the decree. Sorry if post all discombobulated....my mind is racing and trying to trigger.

 

[intothelight]

@Enaila As the fear subsides and you find yourself more relaxed, the good memories do start to resurface. They will come up with some of the bad ones but the less emotional impact the bad memories have the more the good will surface. It just takes time.

 

[Enaila]

I think over time it helps, it's easier to tease out a few good memories from the bad +/or traumatic one...

Thank you for the support!

 

[Neverthesame]

I sat behind a four year old in church today. He was wiggly, but quiet and kept snuggling up to his mom to give her hugs.

I know there has to be some.

If the boy you saw in church, reminded you of your children, then I wound agree that there are good memories in there somewhere. Or else you wouldn't have thought of it.

Maybe instead of trying to think of good memories associated with the person. Try to think of a place or event that was positive, in which your boys were included. Might help you filter out the negative.

 

[Chimera]

I have to ask my children, try to get as many details as possible..sometimes I get a glimmer..
But mostly they are Laughing about who did what, and do you remember...!? So there is some comfort in knowing their childhood had beautiful moments, and some happy memories.
I see the crud too, though..I think it may be the vigilance, the constant attempt to reaffirm due north..

Something you should acknowledge though, both are educated, growing..that is in large part, you. So own that you gave good stuff to them, even if you don't recall it..

 

[Enaila]

I have to ask my children, try to get as many details as possible..sometimes I get a glimmer..
But most...

My boys are healthy, happy, and loving. I must have done something right. Thank you for the encouragement Chimera.

 

[Enaila]

I have to ask my children, try to get as many details as possible..sometimes I get a glimmer..
But most...

Do you ever get frustrated when they ask do you remember....and you can't remember? I hate the feeling of not being able to.

 

[Chimera]

Do you ever get frustrated when they ask do you remember....and you can't remember? I hate the feeling...

I try not to, but, yes...it makes me pretty sad..
My memories aren't pretty...I wish I could recall the fun time more, but I do have a few, and I cling to them.
Sometimes I sorta fake it too...I'm pretty sure they know though..smiles
Maybe we could work at making some now, in the present? I might need to write them down....grins...but that's what we can do about it, new joys and happy memories. It's worth a shot
Hugs if you accept

 

[Enaila]

I try not to, but, yes...it makes me pretty sad..
My memories aren't pretty...I wish I could recall the...

Hugs accepted...so much easier to accept virtual hugs than real ones. Still working on that as well. I do have good memories of times with my boys, which I can remember from the last three years or so. Once I started therapy a few years ago, I started to write and allow myself to laugh at my boys' antics. My boys have always been each others' best friend and that gives me comfort.

 

[Chimera]

Thick as thieves, mine are...worked at it so they would love and care for one another, they will go far that way....
It's good, see..we cannot change the past, nor can we discount the value of our efforts, so let's take our victories...and let lie what we can of the rest...that's the best I've got for now..
Thank you for this post, it's a challenging one to discuss. I'll keep watching it.