Sexual Assault I Want To Report A Sexual Assult But It Is Complicated

[anonymous]

Several years ago I was raped and assaulted. At the time I wasn't strong enough to report it but I want to now. It is complicated because the man who assaulted me was my husband and I continued to live with him afterwards. He was later charged with other crimes towards me but I never reported this one. There are many I didn't report but with this one I feel just that I need to. I don't want to report anything else just this.

I'm afraid that it wont be treated seriously because we lived together before and after. I'm not even sure if it can still be reported since it happened so long ago. There is also another problem that I cant accurately recall what happened anymore. There are so many blanked out parts. But I do remember enough of the details to show that it was rape and have a rough timeline of events. I'm still worried that my creditability will be less valid because I cant remember everything. Once I asked a police officer if I could report an assault that happened over a year ago and he said that with domestic violence it has to be reported within 6 months. I'm not sure if that is true or if the guy just didn't feel like filling out all the paperwork that day.

I would give anything to just get over it but I cant. And seeing him walking around with a smug look on his face is hard. I could deal with that but I know he is hurting other people too. One of his girlfriends wrote to me a while ago asking for advice as he had been assaulting her. They had only been together 3 weeks.

I feel like I couldn't do anything to defend myself then but I can now. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough to go through a court case. If it didn't achieve anything it would only confirm to him that he didn't do anything wrong. I'm not sure that I could bare being invalidated in that way after all the pain and suffering it has caused. I'm not sure I could handle it.

So I am asking;
Do you think it would be worthwhile putting myself through that?
Do you think it would be possible laying charges so many years later?
Have you been to court and lost? How did you cope?
Have you been to court and won? Did it resolve anything for you?
Other than pressing charges do you have any suggestions as to how I can resolve these feelings of being able to let go?

 

[Friday]

My husband used to drug me when I wouldn't have sex with him because he was f*cking around and bringing home STDs. Asshole.

In my case it doesn't matter... As all the assault stuff got rolled up in a bunch of DV stuff & child abuse/neglect in our divorce. He was found guilty, and all restraining orders were lifted to facilitate custody exchanges.

Yeah.

Found guilty, and restrictions LIFTED. Custody awarded. Sigh. f*cking court systems. He's a smart one, my ex, with some banging attorneys. Because he was found guilty in family court, criminal courts won't touch it with a 10' pole. So he's scott free. Moreover the attitude of the court system since then (hundreds of breakins, ongoing stalking, lots of fun) is that I should be "grateful he wants to be an involved father". Bite me.

In talking with local groups... That's simply how the laws work in my city. Technically the laws are the same for the whole state... But there is a whole lot of individual variation between how those laws are applied / enforced between counties and cities. In mine? It's wicked pro-abuser. DV kids support is all about how to live WITH their abuser, because it's an 8 hour weekend anger management seminar to regain full custody. Ditto for the adult side of DV. They won't prosecute criminally unless you're dead.

So my strong advice would be to not only look into your local legal system, but also the local DV network. Because not only do the laws vary tremendously, but where the rubber meets the road can be worlds apart from what it seems like the laws say, and how they're actually applied.

To know, though, nationally (USA)... The success rate for rape-trials (rapist found guilty and goes to jail) is roughly 2-3%. https://www.rainn.org/statistics

 

[anonymous]

My husband used to drug me when I wouldn't have sex with him because he was f*cking around and bringing home STDs. Asshole.

Mine use to beat me if I wouldn't. So I mostly said yes after that, except for every couple of years I would get brave again and refuse, but he never took no for an answer even once. It felt like rape all the time although I'd never call it that because I think for the most part he thought it was consensual. He would always have sex after assaulting me and I would pretend I wanted to but be shaking. Once he told me to stop shaking because it made him feel like a rapist.

 

[anonymous]

To know, though, nationally (USA)... The success rate for rape-trials (rapist found guilty and goes to jail) is roughly 2-3%. the FDA

That sucks. I think I'll leave it then.

I'm really sorry about your kids ) :

 

[Friday]

Snort. Yeah. Cause wife beater is just fine, but let's draw the line at my virility :rolleyes:

Asshole.

I was a better fighter than my husband, but he still got the drop on me (pushed me out in traffic, down the stairs, etc.), and any time I was already injured was a big risk. These pricks. Pitchforks and torches.

Do check with your local DV network. My city sucks, but there are places that are making great strides. Sad as it is, the 3% is up from 2%. Either way, my best wishes to you & yours.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If it was a long time ago, is it anything other than he-said/she-said? Cases like that aren't likely to go to court as the jury won't have any real evidence beyond you saying it happened and him saying it didn't happen, and then it will be brought up that you continued to live with him. I'm not saying that you shouldn't report it, rather things like this have a tendency to not even make it close to the court phase.

You can always report with the knowledge that it won't go any further. I think a lot of victims think reporting=======trial. (many = to emphasis that relationship!) This couldn't be further from the truth. You can report to clear your conscious. If he does it again, that report will be on file and may help someone else.

So I say file the report and then you can let it go knowing that you did everything that you could do in order to bring this guy to some sort of justice.

 

[RussH]

My only concern about reporting it now would be the lack of physical evidence. I just don't know if the legal system would do anything without physical evidence of a witness, so I think you would be opening yourself up to hardship with very little chance of satisfaction

 

[anonymous]

There were some witnesses to some of it but I don't even know there names so it would be hard to track them down and since they turned a blind eye then, they probably wouldn't want to be involved now either. There were 2 people other who cared for me afterwards but I never told them exactly what happened. I would be able to get him to admit it if we got talking about it but that would mean putting myself at risk and its probably illegal anyway.

I don't even know what I was thinking when I wrote this post. There is no way I want to report it. I'm just upset that my life will never be the same again and he lives happy and free. He is dangerous and a risk to society. But then how many of these people are walking around free like that. It happens all the time. Note for next time to report it I guess.

 

[Friday]

I think you were thinking good things.

Not rainbows and unicorns... But "This is f*cking wrong. And what can I do about it?"

That's strength, right there. It's not the revenge that's strong. It's the belief, understanding, and resolution to see a thing as wrong to begin with. And the willingness to act, if acting is needed. Hell yeah. Good on you. <grin> I think you just got a little better.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't even know what I was thinking when I wrote this post. There is no way I want to report it. I'm just upset that my life will never be the same again and he lives happy and free. He is dangerous and a risk to society. But then how many of these people are walking around free like that. It happens all the time. Note for next time to report it I guess.

It's never too late to report a crime, if that's what you want to do. And while it might be too late to actually get a conviction, you never just know. It might take you, and 5 other survivors to report on him to get a conviction. It might be a case of getting enough evidence. And your evidence might be the part that sways it.

I'm not saying that you should, or you shouldn't report him - that's a very individual decision. Just that if you feel the need, you shouldn't be put off by the fact that there might not be enough evidence. Because you never just know, if your report might be the one that makes a difference.

 

[Powder]

What is a DV network, Domestic Violence?

I reported today online. 32 years after the crime I reported. I am not going to hold my breath, and I feel very angry that it probably won't go anywhere or get results that will be healing or helpful to me. I only hope to prevent other people from being hurt at this point.

 

[Higgins]

I am in agreement with @cherryblossom, and have recently come to similar conclusions. I don't actually care about conviction or about any of that. What I care about is the paper trail. That has power.