I Want To Run Away

[Polly_pocket]

I know that this is really needy and people on here are probably really sick of me posting but I am really struggling today with strange thoughts and I don't know what the best thing to do is.


I'm so overwhelmed, I have literally just left day treatment a month ago and I have really lapsed (to my shame) and I saw my therapist yesterday and she told me if end up back in hospital quickly if I don't improve soon. I've been ill so long and I feel like a hopeless case and I want people to give up on me.


I want to pack a bag and run away from everything. My mum and all of her concern for me and trying to force me to eat, my friends because I feel guilty for letting them down, my treatment team because they had such faith in me and now I'm screwing up.


I am literally looking at train tickets and I have some money in the bank and I think if I just went somewhere else I could just self destruct by myself and not hurt anyone. Like I could probably live a few days in a park or something or book a cheap hotel until the money runs out.

 

[Ronin]

You're not a hopeless case, Polly. And so not sick of your talking. Please keep on talking.

Do you have safe spaces to go to? Do you have a plan of where to go, if you don't have them yet?

Taking a pause doesn't have to lead to self destruct, sometimes it's calming the storm instead... even if it doesn't seem that way when one is in the emergency mode.

Have you tried talking to people about how their care makes you feel, that you need care in different ways that doesn't feel so binding and so failure-at-life?

 

[Changing4Best]

I pray when I feel that way. Sometimes it can help. Also, taking a walk and looking at things around you. I assume you know how to ground yourself? Try that too.

 

[Neverthesame]

Sick of you? Nope. There, now that that's out of the way.

Don't worry about the feelings of your therapist, councillors and trauma team. They are professionals there to help you. I am not saying that they don't care. But they want you to get better. They do not get disappointed over delays and setbacks, but when they can't help and encourage someone to keep fighting.

Try to breathe, remind yourself that you are worth it. It does get better. You can do it.

If you need more help, take it. Use everything at your disposal. You are worth it.

 

[still_i_rise]

Not sick of you. You are not being needy. You are reaching out for support and that's totally what you should be doing. You are not alone :hug:

Recovery is not a linear path. It's not about simple success vs failures. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have not let anybody down.
Your medical team is there to help you. Please let them help you.
As a supporter, please, please, please know that your supporters really love you. You deserve their love and support. I know you feel like you don't deserve it but you do. You really do.
Please take care of yourself.

 

[Chava]

I am literally looking at train tickets and I have some money in the bank and I think if I just went somewhere else I could just self destruct by myself and not hurt anyone.

Hi Polly Pocket,

I honestly did this. It was just a fantasy. I ran out of money in two days. But I relate to the feelings. People just want to help, or if they are close they start to get angry. That's why we need people like therapists and support groups who understand, don't try to fix us, but actually have good ideas and can support us without the gnarly connection of close friends or family.

There is nothing wrong with going back to the hospital. I was a wonder patient in rehab. I had such helpful words for others and a good sense of humor. So what. I ended up back there. The staff did not look down on me. They honestly really appreciated when I was able to let them know that I was truly scared. The outside world is hard. None of my previous hard work was lost. I feel like that's important for you to consider. It just took a lot of time and support for me to get beyond my addiction (I also went in and out of treatments for anorexia, but not as much as alcohol...I spent nearly an entire year in hospital or rehab or halfway house, but I've been sober ever since and not wanting to kill myself or starve to death).

IF anyone gives up on you (likely just your fear), f*ck them anyway. Some people feel powerless if they can't fix others...it's their own arrogance. I honestly had a doctor tell my parents that they would bury me. That was over 20 years ago. Haha f*cker!! I'm alive, I've had many good experiences since then and I am recovered from alcoholism and anorexia. I just wasn't responding to his bullshit treatment at the time. I ended up in a more supportive treatment. But really, I just needed more time. I ASKED to stay at the halfway house longer because I didn't feel very safe. Asking for that extended support was the strongest thing I had yet done for myself.

Take the hand of those who can really help you. Fears of what people will think of you should not wreck your precious life. Consider that your low opinion of yourself is being transferred onto others. The world will not give up on you if you dont give up on yourself. And even if you want to give up, there are people who will help you through. Get away from you mom for a while and go back to the hospital if needed. Your concern over disappointing any staff is not more important than your life. It's just an old trigger that needs to lose it's power. You will feel empowered for continuing to ask for help when you need it.

And I know I and others here wouldn't be disappointed if you asked for more help, but would think you are awesome. It's great that you could come back on here and talk about how things are going. We don't think any less of you for the fact that you are struggling. I just think you are awesome for recognizing it and voicing your fears. That's what we do as part of this process of transformation.

I used to be incredibly self-destructive. It might not be that you really deeply want to self-destruct but that you haven't had enough time and support to find another way and you deserve that chance. It's possible to get through this but you have to set aside the goal of being a perfect patient and step into the process of healing.

 

[Anarchy]

HI Polly,
I'm not sick of you at all.

I can relate to the wanting to disappear.

I was sleeping in an old mine building in October (the roof rained in, and it was damp foggy autumn weather, and I was probably getting Chernobyl levels of radon exposure in there), and I'm typing this from a room that is colder than most people's fridges, it's actually about 3 degrees c indoors and about 6 degrees outside now (midnight).

Those feelings of wanting to disappear, of being a burden and the black and white extremes of thinking, are temporary;

I'm looking forward to moving to a place that has mains electric (I'm currently living off grid in Britain - have been for a few years now, and I'm sick of the damp and the grime from solid fuel fires and the messing about with an elderly generator).

ps
I know I've said it before

That little ratty is cute:)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

FYI I went to a top trauma hospital in the USA. The first time I was told that a "one time visit" was more of the exception than the rule. That is, most people ended up coming back at some point in the future. Yep, two months after I left, I was back in the hospital again for another month.

It can be hard to get it all in one round. Many people need to go back more than once. There is no shame in that.

But, if after a number of years you can't seem to keep yourself out of the hospital, THEN its definitely time to shake things up as its a sign that something just isn't working. (I met someone there who swore up and down that she had the greatest therapist in the world, yet after 6 years this patient was STILL in and out of the hospital. I think she made the therapist her friend and wasn't really doing much of the hard work TBH.)

 

[Chava]

But, if after a number of years you can't seem to keep yourself out of the hospital, THEN its definitely time to shake things up as its a sign that something just isn't working. (I met someone there who swore up and down that she had the greatest therapist in the world, yet after 6 years this patient was STILL in and out of the hospital. I think she made the therapist her friend and wasn't really doing much of the hard work TBH.)

Sounds almost like misdiagnosis or wrong treatment (or over-dependence on therapist). Though I met people in treatment who spent years in and out (I spent a few years in and out of rehab, but met a smart woman who had been in and out of the hospital for years with DID...her childhood trauma was horrendous and I think a long, careful recovery was fair...but I met her in a shitty hospital, that's true...she was in and out of the same program twice before I left because they were always just stabilizing her suicidal part). All of my anorexia treatment was crap until it was helped by trauma therapy. Behavioral focus alone felt horrible, likely in relation to my old complex trauma (felt like they were trying to control me and also tell me everything was my fault). But I also just needed to gain weight and get some stability before working on trauma, so it's a weird tightrope. I walked it imperfectly, like most of us.

Anyway, @Polly_pocket you are very new to this road of recovery. I had to give up wanting to be fixed fast because often that meant my ideas of being perfect were getting in my own way.

P.S. you can still support others and be a good friend to them in their struggles even if you are suffering. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Most often, letting them know you struggle too is the best way to connect and help each other. While I've been in e.d. treatments and support groups I know this more from AA. We help each other accept where we are at and move forward. I can truly admire the words and support even of someone I know is really struggling. We are all human.

 

[Justmehere]

Relapses are part pf the process of healing. It happens. What really matters is not never ever having a relapse, but what you do once you know you ha relapsed and are off track.

Part of recovery is learning you can make a mistake, and pick up the pieces, turn around, and get back on track. Again and again and again. That is the path to real recovery.

I'm a runner myself. I love to plan and dream of escapes. It never really works to actually physically escape. But maybe you can let yourself daydream of a place to go, mentally, not to run away and suffer, but to relax and enjoy feeling a break from it all.

I hope you stay and don't run. Even just for one more day. And keep fighting to get back on track.

Even if you do end up back in the hospital, I'm still really proud of all the good work you already have done. :hug:

 

[Polly_pocket]

Thank you for your kind words. I have had a very busy/stressful day so I am low on words this evening but I wanted to acknowledge your posts and let you know I appriciate them. I will reply properly tomorrow x

 

[Polly_pocket]

Thank you for making me feel less alone in this <3 The thing is I feel like such a deeply defective person I have no idea how to even picture a normal and healthy life for myself. I have been in threat mode for so long it is impossible to picture a future and it's that kind of hope you have to hold onto in order to recover.

It has been difficult to leave treatment and go back to dealing with home full time. It is such a triggering place where so much abuse happened.

I was a model patient and my Keyworker and Psychiatrist and the patients all told me that they *knew* I was not going to relapse. They said sometimes they are worried when people leave but with me they had no worries whatsoever. It has been a month and my therapist is already laying down the law.


Ed treatment where I am is all based on NHS budgets so basically for each person they make a judgement about how motivated/likely they are to recover and how medically sick they are. So if you're very medically sick you get treatment and if they think you can use the treatment to get better you get treatment. But if you have had a lot of treatment then you are discharged. I was in day treatment for two years at vast expense and medically I have always been well (no organ failure) so I don't know when I will be left to get on with it and that is a frightening prospect. I don't want another 10 years of being ill.

You are right Chavva, it is a tightrope. Like a lot of my ed is because of my trauma so I've been doing some trauma work with my ed therapist but she refuses to do any work on it whilst my ed is 'active'. I've been told I could maybe access some more specialist help but only once I've left ed treatment and I'm well. So I'm a bit stuck because they affect each other.

Logically I know running away is not a good plan but I feel like I need to do something dramatic and the self destruct thoughts are so loud I just want to be left alone to get on with it and I don't feel like I deserve help because there are so many more sick people with worse traumas.

I'm rambling now I don't know of this makes sense?? Thank you for saying that I am not being needy that is one of my worst fears