I Want To Run Away

[Chava]

I have been in threat mode for so long it is impossible to picture a future and it's that kind of hope you have to hold onto in order to recover.

You do not need to imagine some happy or specific sort of future in order to recover. I say that because I did not have this. Here's where it gets weird, too. My inability to feel hopeful towards my future was trauma-related. But like you, it's impossible to really navigate and move through trauma work in the middle of the eating disorder. So we have to drop some ideas of what recover looks like and just have a hopeful picture of the present or the next day or hour. I actually really loved what someone around here said about giving up simply feeling worse than getting better....I think that's what always helped me. I didn't have anything to look forward to, at least not anything concrete. But giving up felt more powerless than trying to stick with recovery. And the future always did come and often surprise me with some nicer things than I would have imagined. But I relate to having been in a place of having no internal care and needing something to look forward to or others to encourage me. I still have that sometimes but I don't feel self-destructive.

Sorry the therapists were probably overly confident. I think that's naïve. Maybe they had no idea what the outer world was like for you or what your expectations were....or that you were possibly working more for their approval than your own health. ?? But even with all of that you can still go back if needed, or go somewhere else. Try not to dwell on the expectations and disappointment, but where you are at right now. It's not over. It's just takes time and not giving up on yourself. If that takes too much energy (I understand) keep asking for help.

But no, you do not need to imagine a future right now if you can't. When I was at my worst, that seemed impossible. Even now, I can only imagine an extension of my current state on any given day. But giving up really feels worse. Asking for help is not giving up though....it's holding on to the possibility that you might have a future you just can't imagine from the place you are in right now and that's normal and okay.

 

[Neverthesame]

I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but I don't have a clue what better looks like. Or if I will ever see it. I do however know that I won't see it if I don't try.

I don't think it was totally appropriate for your therapist to say what they did about "knowing" you would would not need to return. Though I see what they were trying to do. It appears to have only put pressure on you, instead of building confidence. Either way, do not let it discourage you from seeking further help.

*Apologizing in advance for this next paragraph. I have a difficult time talking about this stuff without getting my knickers in a knot.

The NHS's budget should never be a concern for anyone covered by it. I find it incredulous that anyone could have the blatant disregard for a patient, allowing them to be tied down by the red tape of a system, designed to help people. The Home Office's financial woes, are not and never should be the patients problem. Furthermore triage protocol should not ever be applied to inpatient psychological services. I would love to meet the old tosspot what thought that was a good idea. (deep breath) Rant over. I had to stop myself there. The old Yorkshireman in me just about came out in "Back in my day..." Haha.

I do very much hope you can keep holding on. It is hard. I have wanted to give up so many times. Every time I pick myself back up again, I am always glad I didn't give up.

You deserve to be well, you deserve to be happy.

 

[Polly_pocket]

I didn't run away.

I am still very low though. Low on energy and hope and everything. Yesterday I changed my bed clothes for the first time in two months and it took me a massive effort. But my eating is slightly better and I seem to be making some progress in therapy. I started doing voluntary work, it's only one shift a week but it is good and gives me some purpose.

I'm trying to keep myself healthy because I really want to move out and into supported housing and I won't be able to if I'm sick. It is hard at home I am crying a lot because my brother is scaring me even though I know he won't hit me anymore, he reminds me of my father and the trauma and I get so tense.

But thank you for kind words you have me an inkling of hope and reason to keep fighting.