I want to tell my story but don't know how

[beancat]

I am frustrated and feeling lonely. My assignment was to write about a very personal thing and relate it to what we were discussing in class. My story (which I didn't know I'd have to read out loud) was how extreme sports have helped with my PTSD. My PTSD is the result of two sources, a very chronic one (severe child abuse) and a more acute one (a violent rape that almost killed me). I left out the sources of my condition because I didn't feel like a class was the appropriate setting for it but I was visibly upset and shaking uncontrollably. What has me so upset right now is that I am sick of hiding these things from people. Only a few of my friends know about the abuse I received as a child and with the exception of my brother, no one in my family knows I was raped. Basically, what I'm getting at is that I am so sick of hiding these things sometimes. Almost everyday at some point I want to scream at the top of my lungs, "I was RAPED" and "My mom beat me" not because I want sympathy anymore (which used to be the case) but I just simply want to be validated. I want people to know what I have been through and congratulate me for still being here because on many days I wish I wasn't. I know this is not the sort of information that should be dispersed to everyone, but it takes years of me knowing someone before they know any of this (Unless I happen to be on one of my biannual blackout drunk moments where I cry and tell everyone within earshot what has happened to me. Not much of a drinker but for some reason this happens sometimes to me). Anyhow, my T said I needed to work on finding "safe" people to talk to but I am struggling to do this because from where I stand there is no such thing. Logically, I know people are mostly kind and don't want to hurt me, but the damaged part of me won't let me reach out. Has anyone else experienced this? If so, what has helped? I've tried calling hotlines, but more often than not I don't find them to be very helpful .

 

[LittleRuzi]

I can relate to you in some way. I can't even begin to imagine what you've been through, but my own mother also caused me a lot of pain, and i had no one for years to talk to. i wasn't even aware that my childhood was messed up until about a year ago.
The best thing you can do is go to someone you care about and know that they care about you. trusting someone is a two way street. You sometimes have to give to receive something back. talking and letting out the emotion is the best thing you can do, and trust me, i know how hard it is. It freaking sucks, and gives me stupid anxiety issues.
Just know that there are people out there who love you, and you just have to take a risk sometimes and trust them with your pain. Don't carry this on your shoulders by yourself for the rest of your life. It will weigh you down until you can't get back up. Let someone feel it with you. Even with a stranger on here, they can relate in some way. I lost all my friends and don't talk to most of my family cause i'm humiliated with myself and ashamed, but i trust my father. He's the only one i know will always be there for me, but it took me a while to see it. I had to reach out to him first to know that he will comfort me when i'm in need.
I hope this helps in some way or another.

 

[BlueOrange]

I've found that these forums are a good place to start. I haven't always heard what I wanted to hear, but it's been a relatively safe and supportive place to try communicating in different ways.

Face to face is better, also scarier. I'd suggest picking someone who already knows more than you've told most people, and who you think has a chance at being supportive. At an appropriate time, tell them a bit more than they already know, and see how you feel about what happened. The thing I usually want to do is to let everything pour out in a massive, satisfying 'open the floodgates' kind of way. The thing I've learned to actually be effective is to let things out one piece at a time, and to let things stabilize before going further.

 

[holdenmonty]

It really isn't an easy thing to tell your story. I told my story but it was after a lot of exposure therapy to so I got to the point that I was able to accept what happened and the main reason I told my story was to basically kick it in the face so to speak. I was tired of being ashamed that I have PTSD and tired of being afraid of letting people know so there was the oprotunity through a local event on base to share my story so I said sure I'll tell my story. Saying that I wanted to share my story was the easy part. Telling my story was a lot more difficult I wrote some main points on index cards about my story and then they had us practice I think it was about three times before the actual event but telling my story at the event was even tougher then the practice. I had two panic attacks before I spoke one was in the early morning after I woke up and then the second one was about half an hour before it was my turn. I had a hard time starting but once I did get going it just rolled and I was able to share it.

After I told my story it felt like a big weight lifted off my shoulders. I even had several people come up to me and thank me for sharing my story and told me that I was brave for telling my story. I also talked to my therapist about it quite a bit and the idea of me telling my story.