- Post starter
- #25
It's ok @joeylittle , I'm a wreck, depressed and apparently over sensitive lol. But he doesn't know any of this. And I guess that's what I was asking...it's not ok even with ptsd.
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Relationship I Was Right, He Blocked Me From His Updates
- Post starter Glara
- Start date
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FindingMyself88
Platinum Member
PTSD is never an excuse to do wrong to someone, especially as it seems he has done several times (don't know the exact situations). Are we going to mess up? YES, but so is everyone, PTSD or not.
For whatever reason, it is clear he needs space. That is not a reflection on him or you, it just is what he apparently needs. Give yourself space from the situation too or it will drive you mad. Think things through and find out what you NEED. If he makes contact, then at that time decide if you can make contact back. If not, that is okay. Do what you need to do for yourself. Everyone is saying that out of concern for you (and him). FB can be our worst enemy. No one really posts "What's on their mind" and trying to read into what they decide they want to show people will not give you accurate info. Who knows why he has it set the way he has? He could have not only you blocked from seeing his status', but everyone. Trying to guess at answers you will never know unless he tells you will drive you crazy. Don't do that to yourself.
For whatever reason, it is clear he needs space. That is not a reflection on him or you, it just is what he apparently needs. Give yourself space from the situation too or it will drive you mad. Think things through and find out what you NEED. If he makes contact, then at that time decide if you can make contact back. If not, that is okay. Do what you need to do for yourself. Everyone is saying that out of concern for you (and him). FB can be our worst enemy. No one really posts "What's on their mind" and trying to read into what they decide they want to show people will not give you accurate info. Who knows why he has it set the way he has? He could have not only you blocked from seeing his status', but everyone. Trying to guess at answers you will never know unless he tells you will drive you crazy. Don't do that to yourself.
@Glara ...There is something that i have learnt from everybody in here.....i've had a growing obsession over the last few weeks looking into every little little detail over my partner and whats happening i still ask questions but just to get perspective and understanding.... you actually sound like me about 2 weeks ago..... I think as a supporter you go through stages of grief.... in these relationships....deniel, anger, bargaining, depression and then acceptance....I think I hit all of these as a supporter in the last 6 weeks.... which is where I was doing my research listening to loud angry music, swearing, then bargaining with god " please let him get through this" following with depression.....I think I am now heading into acceptance stage which is a good feeling as I'm not crying, I'm not getting angry.....there is some bargaining but not too much and I'm not feeling so down....also because im starting to take care of myself....which is really important. the only thing you can do if you want to stand by him is just flick him a text and let him know your there.
My partner has facebook but rarely goes on it and he has it so hidden because of the job he is in that the only thing he uploads are videos even if i tag him in something or if anyone else does he gets rid of it. When he becomes isolated its like he disappears. I know at the moment for me my other half is in a hell hole, but we set boundaries and agreed what is going to suit us best right now .... yes he cant give me everything i deserve right now he knows that because he has said in numerous times to me... but it still does not change the fact he is trying and still trying to keep me the best he can right now because thats all the steam he has left ...... and i have accepted that.... but i promised him that if from now on if it got to the point where it was starting to destroy me as a person i would leave no questions asked....alot has changed over the week i'm starting to feel better and i have just accepted it is what it is for now...i just cant imagine my life without him.... he knows that and i think thats why we talked about what would work. he needs everything easy right now baby steps (and it sounds like thats what your guy is doing his doing baby steps and taking that choice to fully commit to getting help right now....he knows your there but in the back of his mind at the moment...his focusing on himself and this is the time you need to focus on yourself or you will be right there with secondary PTSD as a supporter)
But under no circumstances should you sacrifice yourself as a person for him. i nearly got to this point myself in the last few weeks....but its like something clicked inside me a feeling of peace even though im going through this with him... and it is true it sure is a rollarcoaster which a number of people will say in here and yes you will always have questions.... some of us are toddlers in here to this (me and you) and others will have more understanding and knowledge as they have been through it for a long time.... its very much a family in here to what i have seen over the last few weeks and remember family stick together all of us as a supporter or a sufferer ..... I hope this helps you a little
Hugs to you if accepted
My partner has facebook but rarely goes on it and he has it so hidden because of the job he is in that the only thing he uploads are videos even if i tag him in something or if anyone else does he gets rid of it. When he becomes isolated its like he disappears. I know at the moment for me my other half is in a hell hole, but we set boundaries and agreed what is going to suit us best right now .... yes he cant give me everything i deserve right now he knows that because he has said in numerous times to me... but it still does not change the fact he is trying and still trying to keep me the best he can right now because thats all the steam he has left ...... and i have accepted that.... but i promised him that if from now on if it got to the point where it was starting to destroy me as a person i would leave no questions asked....alot has changed over the week i'm starting to feel better and i have just accepted it is what it is for now...i just cant imagine my life without him.... he knows that and i think thats why we talked about what would work. he needs everything easy right now baby steps (and it sounds like thats what your guy is doing his doing baby steps and taking that choice to fully commit to getting help right now....he knows your there but in the back of his mind at the moment...his focusing on himself and this is the time you need to focus on yourself or you will be right there with secondary PTSD as a supporter)
But under no circumstances should you sacrifice yourself as a person for him. i nearly got to this point myself in the last few weeks....but its like something clicked inside me a feeling of peace even though im going through this with him... and it is true it sure is a rollarcoaster which a number of people will say in here and yes you will always have questions.... some of us are toddlers in here to this (me and you) and others will have more understanding and knowledge as they have been through it for a long time.... its very much a family in here to what i have seen over the last few weeks and remember family stick together all of us as a supporter or a sufferer ..... I hope this helps you a little
Hugs to you if accepted
Wastinglight
Platinum Member
Hi Glara.
First of all - hugs. I know you are in a horrible place right now, and from what you've written, it sounds like you feel 'stuck' and can't see your way clear.
Having said that, I think you already have the answer you seek. I think the posts on this thread and others give some excellent advice. Pretty much everyone here has advised you along similar lines - that, based on the information you've given, the most sane and most healthy thing to do right now is let go of him.
But please note: I said 'let go', not 'give up'. They are two very different things. Distancing yourself from him is not necessarily giving up on him. It doesn't have to mean burning bridges.
Is his behaviour borne of his PTSD? I don't think it matters. Really. Only he can answer that question anyway (and maybe even he can't answer it right now). One thing I feel I can say with some surety is that he IS emotionally unavailable. And emotionally unavailable means that he cannot commit to you, BUT importantly it also means that he probably won't let go of you altogether either. Emotionally unavailable usually means that he can't make a decision one way or another, and it's possible that he's going to keep flip-flapping on you, blowing hot and cold, for months, or even years to come. So if you distance yourself, he might well reach out and contact you again. But that doesn't necessarily mean that he still wants a relationship with you. It might mean that he wants to check that you're still around, but still, that's a long way from having a relationship. Have you made a firm decision on what you WILL accept from him? e.g. Is 'just friends' going to be enough for you? And even if you're happy with friendship only, you have a right to expect certain things from him. If he doesn't deliver on any front? Well...
IMO? The best thing you can do - for him and for you - is to focus on working on yourself, and do whatever it takes to get him out of your head (as long as it's not self-destructive). I can relate to a lot of what you've written (minus the suicide thing). I know that feeling of wanting to get inside his head and work out what he's thinking. The reality is though, it's not possible to do that. Not unless he lets you in again and tells you himself.
I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying. I hope the counselling works out, but I also recommend reading everything you can get your hands on topics that will help YOU e.g. regarding relationship advice (pertinent to your situation), anxiety, depression and trust issues. I really don't know if learning more about PTSD will help things. Again, at this point in time, I don't think it really matters whether he's acting like this because of the PTSD or not.
You have every right to feel the way you're feeling. And it's very very important to grieve the loss of your relationship with him. If you don't grieve 'what could have been', you will never be able to fully move on.
You will get there, in time. Remember to be kind to yourself.
First of all - hugs. I know you are in a horrible place right now, and from what you've written, it sounds like you feel 'stuck' and can't see your way clear.
Having said that, I think you already have the answer you seek. I think the posts on this thread and others give some excellent advice. Pretty much everyone here has advised you along similar lines - that, based on the information you've given, the most sane and most healthy thing to do right now is let go of him.
But please note: I said 'let go', not 'give up'. They are two very different things. Distancing yourself from him is not necessarily giving up on him. It doesn't have to mean burning bridges.
Is his behaviour borne of his PTSD? I don't think it matters. Really. Only he can answer that question anyway (and maybe even he can't answer it right now). One thing I feel I can say with some surety is that he IS emotionally unavailable. And emotionally unavailable means that he cannot commit to you, BUT importantly it also means that he probably won't let go of you altogether either. Emotionally unavailable usually means that he can't make a decision one way or another, and it's possible that he's going to keep flip-flapping on you, blowing hot and cold, for months, or even years to come. So if you distance yourself, he might well reach out and contact you again. But that doesn't necessarily mean that he still wants a relationship with you. It might mean that he wants to check that you're still around, but still, that's a long way from having a relationship. Have you made a firm decision on what you WILL accept from him? e.g. Is 'just friends' going to be enough for you? And even if you're happy with friendship only, you have a right to expect certain things from him. If he doesn't deliver on any front? Well...
IMO? The best thing you can do - for him and for you - is to focus on working on yourself, and do whatever it takes to get him out of your head (as long as it's not self-destructive). I can relate to a lot of what you've written (minus the suicide thing). I know that feeling of wanting to get inside his head and work out what he's thinking. The reality is though, it's not possible to do that. Not unless he lets you in again and tells you himself.
I know it's easier said than done, but keep trying. I hope the counselling works out, but I also recommend reading everything you can get your hands on topics that will help YOU e.g. regarding relationship advice (pertinent to your situation), anxiety, depression and trust issues. I really don't know if learning more about PTSD will help things. Again, at this point in time, I don't think it really matters whether he's acting like this because of the PTSD or not.
You have every right to feel the way you're feeling. And it's very very important to grieve the loss of your relationship with him. If you don't grieve 'what could have been', you will never be able to fully move on.
You will get there, in time. Remember to be kind to yourself.
- Post starter
- #29
@Wastinglight I'm kinda starting to feel like I might be done. I have too many doubts about his current situation. I did hear from him tonight. It didn't help. My gut, intuition or whatever is telling me he's not being forthright. Well, and his behavior. Anyway, I'm trying to think of a scenario he could present that would change my mind, but I can't think of one. I can't imagine anyone making up a hospitalization, but his other behaviors don't add up and im just getting tired.
I the beginning I felt so good and cared about. Somewhere along the way that changed. Maybe there's someone else, he does flirt on FB. I just don't know. Maybe it's related to ptsd even if it is other women. But if my doubts are this strong there must be a reason. I don't even know if he can make it right anymore. It felt worth it when I felt special. When I felt he was close to me and confiding in me. Now I feel like he's hiding something from me. And not in a "scared of my feelings" way. I know what people say about Facebook, but hiding a part of his life that used to be open, especially a social part (as opposed to an emotional) is just too suspicious. I'm just losing my faith.
I the beginning I felt so good and cared about. Somewhere along the way that changed. Maybe there's someone else, he does flirt on FB. I just don't know. Maybe it's related to ptsd even if it is other women. But if my doubts are this strong there must be a reason. I don't even know if he can make it right anymore. It felt worth it when I felt special. When I felt he was close to me and confiding in me. Now I feel like he's hiding something from me. And not in a "scared of my feelings" way. I know what people say about Facebook, but hiding a part of his life that used to be open, especially a social part (as opposed to an emotional) is just too suspicious. I'm just losing my faith.
Wastinglight
Platinum Member
Hence why you NEED to grieve the loss of this relationship (or the potential it had). Get angry, get upset, express all of the emotions you feel, and let yourself really FEEL them. And then let them go.
And accept that this process may take some time. You've been through a lot.
And accept that this process may take some time. You've been through a lot.
@Glara I don't mean to hurt you, but feel like to say he is not into you. This is what I get from the details you have given here. If he was, then he would not treat you this way. Gosh, this is so disrespectful for a person who loves so much and cares a lot. Not a message for you in the least, not a good clear communication which always leaves you hung here at your end, what kind of man he is!
i think it would be good if everyone read @Glara first post which explained their story... people just seem to be going of the above thread only. glara can you copy the link where you explained the whole stroy from the beggining.... i dont think people understand the full situation and i tihnk your getting very mixed information
hugs emz315
hugs emz315
- Post starter
- #33
Thanks @emz315, I appreciate the support, and I don't think some people read everything all the way through. I'm not sure that it matters anymore, though. I'm now having too many doubts.
People say not to go by Facebook, but he blocked me from his updates. You can do that without unfriending someone. It doesn't make sense for him to do that, ptsd or not. He's shutting me out of his public life. He's hiding something. He wants to post but doesn't want me to see. I know this because all the previous updates I still have in my text are gone from my Facebook and gone from his page. And he posted the last one I received on Thurs after he was admitted. There just isn't any logical explanation. I really just don't think it can be explained.
I know how to find out. When I hear from him again I will ask how often he had internet access. When he tells me only on Sunday, which is what he hinted tonight, I'll know he's lying.
Maybe it's somebody else. Maybe he just isn't into me anymore, but wants to keep me around. All I know is that this was the first time I saw his number come up in my text that I didn't get excited to hear from him. Actually I was a little surprised, I didn't think id hear at all. But there's was nothing said that made me feel better. If I'm feeling disillusioned, it probably really is time to let it go.
People say not to go by Facebook, but he blocked me from his updates. You can do that without unfriending someone. It doesn't make sense for him to do that, ptsd or not. He's shutting me out of his public life. He's hiding something. He wants to post but doesn't want me to see. I know this because all the previous updates I still have in my text are gone from my Facebook and gone from his page. And he posted the last one I received on Thurs after he was admitted. There just isn't any logical explanation. I really just don't think it can be explained.
I know how to find out. When I hear from him again I will ask how often he had internet access. When he tells me only on Sunday, which is what he hinted tonight, I'll know he's lying.
Maybe it's somebody else. Maybe he just isn't into me anymore, but wants to keep me around. All I know is that this was the first time I saw his number come up in my text that I didn't get excited to hear from him. Actually I was a little surprised, I didn't think id hear at all. But there's was nothing said that made me feel better. If I'm feeling disillusioned, it probably really is time to let it go.
StarChild
Sponsor
First off, this is quite a bit an arrogant attitude, in my opinion. What people, according to your opinion, seem to do, and what they really do is two different things. Especially when you're new on these forums, maybe check first, how long the members who answered in this thread have been here, before you start giving advice. Just click on their avatar and you'll get the information... And you can be very sure, that quite a few of us who read and / or answered here, have read all of Glara's 51 Threads. Did you read all of them?
So please don't come here and tell people what they have to do. That was really unnecessary. First learn, then teach...
@TreeHugger i dont mean any disrespect at all or arrogance so apologies
Shadowofdoubt
Silver Member
Hi Glara :).
We all have thoughts/opinions when it comes to this situation or any other situation. There ultimately is no "right" or "wrong" way to react.
You have every right to feel confused and doubtful about what is really going on with Ed. Personally if I were in your shoes I would probably need to be what has been described as "selfish" and try to find out the truth, and that may be by talking to someone else he may know if he is not responding. I don't think it is wrong to do this or to ask him directly, explaining your concerns and how you are feeling. YOU have a right to feel a little better about the situation and not be stuck in a limbo place.
I love learning about sufferers and how they feel and what they go through, and I am very thankful for all they post, (love you, Solara :)). IT has greatly helped me understand my suffering friend, and letting go of taking some things way to personally.
BUT..When you here people say you need to take care of yourself, then I feel trying to contact him and learn the truth is part of that, as we, as carers, need also to find some relief. (not just for mental health, but also physical..ie your bp). To me, at least then you know you tried to do something.. and if you get nothing in return then you continue to do what you need to do, whether it be write in your diary on her or write him a letter. Whatever. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty if I at times become a little obsessive. It's just how I may need to be at the moment, to get myself through. You have been patient, non-confrontational through this whole thing...I for one really respect how hard you have been trying to be respectful for Ed.
I'm seeing this post a little late, and there now be something new going on, but just want you to know my heart goes out to you. DO whatever you feel is best for YOU..
We all have thoughts/opinions when it comes to this situation or any other situation. There ultimately is no "right" or "wrong" way to react.
You have every right to feel confused and doubtful about what is really going on with Ed. Personally if I were in your shoes I would probably need to be what has been described as "selfish" and try to find out the truth, and that may be by talking to someone else he may know if he is not responding. I don't think it is wrong to do this or to ask him directly, explaining your concerns and how you are feeling. YOU have a right to feel a little better about the situation and not be stuck in a limbo place.
I love learning about sufferers and how they feel and what they go through, and I am very thankful for all they post, (love you, Solara :)). IT has greatly helped me understand my suffering friend, and letting go of taking some things way to personally.
BUT..When you here people say you need to take care of yourself, then I feel trying to contact him and learn the truth is part of that, as we, as carers, need also to find some relief. (not just for mental health, but also physical..ie your bp). To me, at least then you know you tried to do something.. and if you get nothing in return then you continue to do what you need to do, whether it be write in your diary on her or write him a letter. Whatever. I refuse to feel ashamed or guilty if I at times become a little obsessive. It's just how I may need to be at the moment, to get myself through. You have been patient, non-confrontational through this whole thing...I for one really respect how hard you have been trying to be respectful for Ed.
I'm seeing this post a little late, and there now be something new going on, but just want you to know my heart goes out to you. DO whatever you feel is best for YOU..
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