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I woke up to the smell of my mother



I woke up to the smell of my mother today

background: today in the UK is mothers day. I have had no contact with my mother for 20/30 years now, and when I knew her she was very abusive.

yesterday I dreamed I was in my old house where she lived, and she picked me up by the kneck, dragged me to her car, drove me out to a rubbish collection site and threw me in a trash can, a big black one, then she closed the lid

I woke up screaming, still believing I was in the bottom of the trash can, and when I smelled the air, I could smell my mother- it was so scary, it was like she'd been there and it wasn't a dream at all

I only calmed myself down when I got a message on my cell phone, and I realised well if I was down in a black trash can, I wouldn't have signal

but omg it was so scary. I really hate today as a whole. my mother's done nothing but abuse me and hurt me
ouchie, yeowchie, double grouchie. . . i've had a decade or three since the last bout of this i went through. i can wax consolatory over what i have gained from dealing, but the memory of the acute discomfort is seldom comforted by future potential. "scary and hateful" are understatements for the phenom. smell remains a potent trigger for me, but i am much better at processing and managing my triggers these days.

"emotional channeling" is my most effective psychotherapy tool for managing my own spins on this not-so-merry-go-round. when i wake with the smell of abuse in my nostrils, anger channeling is usually my need. how 'bout some shadow boxing? take that, you abusive monster! ! ! i the boss here! ! !
I'm sorry. That sounds very difficult indeed.

is there a way of making today more bearable? Reclaim it somehow? Parent yourself today/spoil yourself/practice self care?
Or re-see it as a commercial day that has no significance in your life? Take the power out of it somehow, and give it back to yourself?
My mom was lost to an illness and replaced with a $%&&** that was guided by the teachings of a cult. I would love to wake up remembering my mom, but instead I wake up regularlyto the feeling of being a kid fighting his way out of their house and away from my step mom and the man she converted to a life lost to the cult.
I take it as a warning from my subconscious, my brain is reminding me how horrible it was because thats what brains do thankfully. Otherwise. my brain would let me spit into the wind and step in things and other stupid stuff over and over. If you learn to say "thanks brain" it makes it just a little easier to get up and face the day, secure in the knowledge that you will never let that happen to you ever again.
Flashbacks are a sonnnuvabitch, aren’t they? Olfactory ones are some of the worst IME/IMO… Not just because even olfactory memories, much less flashbacks, are so powerful…. But because they overlay on top of reality with very little to contradict them. I can’t even begin to count the numbers of times I’ve prowled around my house for HOURS trying to track down where the “smoke” is coming from.

Most flashbacks create a kind of record screech as they interrupt/conflict with reality that keeps them sliver thin… but taste and smell… have some seeeeerious LEGS on them.