Sufferer I Would Really Like A Safe Place To Heal.

[Deleted member 38242]

I need help. I'm out of denial, and I am taking full responsibility for my recovery. I have hit bottom with my mental health. I was in denial for years, and also suffered dissociative issues. I would be in denial about the pain, and trauma of horrible psychological attacks and physical abuse only to get horrific flashbacks until I stopped denying my story. I am the survivor of narcissistic (and in early childhood at times psychopathic) abuse. I don't have anyone who understands PTSD in my life. I would like to support others, as well as get support on this site.
I have been in therapy for years, and am currently signed up to start therapy again next month. I have made strides in some areas of my life, and in other areas, my denial over my mental health has caused me to be stuck in a trauma loop. I'm learning how to take care of myself now at the age of 39 on a deep level.
I like a lot of early childhood trauma survivors have had to deal with learned helplessness, bad decisions based on no self-esteem, and being with abusive partners. I am now dealing with the trauma of healing abuse I accidently did to myself with my own poor coping mechanisms, choices, and self-destructive behavior learned in my childhood that lasted into my adulthood. I internalized all of my abuse, and hated myself for what other people did to me. I have worked hard to get over this, but now have to forgive myself for the damage I did, and/or allowed as an adult. I took away a lot of good years from myself, and don't want to do this anymore. It has greatly disturbed me that I as an adult continued a cycle that could have stopped 16 years ago.
I don't know if anyone can relate, but either way I need a support group and would like to help support others.
Thank you.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Welcome! This is a great site, and I have healed more here than in therapy. I have healed from therapy here. There is a lot to do here so enjoy and be well!

 

[ladee]

Welcome. As far as safety goes, I have felt safe and accepted from day one.
We understand and we hear you.
Glad we are on our healing journeys together. Hope we see you around often.

 

[Ka-9]

Hey I bet most here can relate with you, I don't find this forum a miracle cure.... But a great steady place to check into every time you feel isolated or such.

 

[numbercruncher]

Awww.........I'm sorry that you had to go through that. I had a pretty rough childhood myself that led into an abusive first marriage, partially due to low to nonexistent self esteem. I found out the hard way that success isn't the cure for low self esteem, unfortunately. I'm new too and I think that sometimes its just good to talk to others with the same struggles.

Good luck!
numbercruncher

 

[Deleted member 34328]

Agreed. I highly doubt you'll find yourself misunderstood here. Actually, I know you won't. We hear you.

I hear a lot of self-blame in what you posted. I completely understand the self-esteem issues, but what happened is not your fault. Your later adult choices are often the result of early models in our lives. Unless I'm missing something here, I don't get the impression that you asked to be placed in such a horrible situation or volunteered for such abuse.

I really do hope you find the support you need here on the forum. I have.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's safe-ish here.

Welcome!