I Wrote A Letter To My Daughter

[Deleted member 541]

Breathing is about all I am able to do right now. The anxiety is mounting, and the fear is setting in big time. I have done NOTHING since waking up at 4 am this morning. I still need to exercise, shower, make my bed, and I sit here feeling frozen with fear.

Not sure if I will make it through this day. Actually, I will be honest. I hope that Deb calls, and cancels today. Not for any other reason, except that I am scared shitless to see her, the boys and my son in law. this is incredibly hard......

 

[BethRSA]

Hang in there, She Cat,

Yes, just breathe...breathe...breathe

You will survive this very big happening.

You're in our thoughts and prayers.
Beth

 

[pandora]

Do not let your negative thinking kick in..You do not want her to cancel and you better not cancel or I will find a way to come there and kick you right in the bum!!! LOL..i know you did not cancel because I just talked to you..he he. I started crying again when i read this too..I think this is amazing, wonderful and I know you are scared but that will pass. You are going to have a great visit. I feel it! You sooooo deserve this and I am so happy for you!!!!!!I cannot wait to hear how the visit goes!!!!

 

[Deleted member 541]

Today's meeting didn't quite go as I had hoped, but then again, nothing in life goes as we hope it will....

Debbie had a meltdown, complete with panic/anxiety attack to the max. Profuse sweating, drunk appearance, walking and talking difficulties, vomiting and dry heaving. As I knelled on the bathroom floor with her, holding her hair, and wiping her forehead with a wet cloth, all I could do was hate myself for the pain I have caused her in her life...

My untreated PTSD, my behavior and attitude while she was growing up, is a direct cause, IMO of her issues today. The guilt I feel is overwhelming. To watch her suffer like she did today, was unbearable. For her, is was too much, and she finally asked me to leave. Her husband and I got her into bed, I tucked her in, kissed her, told her how much I loved her and left her to sleep.

My SIL and I spoke for awhile before I left, and he thanked me again and again for writing the letter. He said that it's been really hard on Deb for the past 6 years, she has missed me terribly, but her pride too, had gotten in the way.. Pat said, "She needs you in her life Wen, and you need to be here for that." He hugged me, and I left.

My visit with the boys was short, but sweet none the less.....

It was a start, probably to quick of one, but a start.....I now have hope again.....Let's hope, that I don't screw it up......

 

[Marlene]

Wendy...both you and your daughter need to take it slow and easy for a while. You're not picking up where you left off all those years ago. You're restarting a whole new relationship. And that takes time...mainly time to trust. That you and she got to see each other again and that you got to see your grandsons, that's incredible and I'm so happy for you.

Maybe meeting in neutral places like a restaurant or park or something so that you're both on an equal footing would be a good way to restart your relationship. I'm glad your SIL so supportive of this whole thing. That helps a lot.

Remember, this doesn't have to be back to 'normal' tomorrow. You both have time and use it to the best advantage for both of you.

Hugs
Lisa

 

[Grama-Herc]

All things considered I am proud of you and the way it sounds you handled yourself.

You knew it would not be easy. Sadly, it was not what you wanted but you did go, you did see your daughter and grandsons.

I find the info your SIL shared with you priceless.

Marlene is right. Slow and easy.

Due to your daughters reaction, I wonder though if a public place would be such a good idea. With her having the level of panic/anxiety attack, as one who has them that bad, I think her home is the best place to meet, at least for a while.

 

[cragger65]

Wendy, wow, what an amazing milestone in your life. Thank God you are both open to what will no doubt be an amazing healing journey for you both.

It won't be an easy one, by the sounds of it, but you're doing it and that is exactly the part that counts the most. You amaze me.

Hugs and best wishes,
Dave

 

[BethRSA]

She Cat--so proud of you :thumbs-up

You started from your side chipping away at the wall of hurt, pride, woundedness, etc. Your daughter responded enough to start chipping from her side and you were able to see each other.

The wall will take time to come down, but keep chipping away bit by bit. It will come. You've come so far already.

:Hug_emoticon: Beth

 

[Deleted member 541]

Thanks everyone....It still feels like a dream that I walked into, and haven't woken up from as of yet.

I know this is going to be a huge struggle to repair our relationship. The one good thing in all of this, is my son in law. He was so gracious, so warm, so understanding yesterday. He is truly an amazing man, full of warmth, and maturity.....My daughter couldn't have picked a better guy for a husband.....They have been together for over 20 years. Started dating when my daughter was in her teens.....Pat was a huge help in all of this...... I owe him a lot....

 

[2quilt]

I feel so glad that the two of you got to see each other because that was the hardest thing you two have ever done; Deb probably didnt sleep the night before either, cleaning the house, all the prep before a guest comes over. You both were on Extra High Vigalence looking for facial expressions, sighs, gestures, and over-analyzing each other's every blink. That's normal when you think of all the lost years and all the pain.

I hope that Pat continues to be a liaison and helps Deb process her feelings after your meetings. Make them short, but meaningful. And if you do go to meet in a public place, make it somewhere there is a clean toilet and enough room where the two of you can sit on the floor in front of the toilet and talk. Some of my best chats have been in front of the toilet.

 

[Mina]

Wendy, I'm so happy for you that you were able to reconnect with your daughter. The fact that you acknowledge the role you've played in where Deb is at today is really amazing, and speaks very highly of how far you've come in your own journey.

 

[a3a2]

Hope it goes well, She Cat. I'll be thinling of you!