Relationship If He Really Cared He'd Make The Effort Right?

[KyGirl31]

Feeling very agitated at him right now and confused. If he really cared he'd make the effort right? I suppose I don't see how he stays away from me considering he tells me how strong our connection is. I just wanna lash out and send him a mean text saying to just leave me alone if this is the best he can give me.

 

[HelloMo80]

Welcome to the wonderful world of relationships affected by PTSD. Lol.

In all seriousness, he probably does care, but he's too involved in his own head to do what needs to be done to show it. The issue is whether you want to be around, really. Not saying his behavior isn't a factor in how you feel, but at the end of the day, if this is the best he can do right now, then is it good enough for you?

Sorry you're dealing with this. I know exactly what it feels like.

 

[KyGirl31]

GRRR I know! He's such a decent guy that like many others I stay around. I mean really he won't even sleep with me cause he's afraid he'll hurt me. Not many men like that! I try to be strong but at times I feel so weak. He keeps telling me he's worth breaking down all his walls over, like he doesn't want me to give up. It's just hard! Why I came here to vent in a weak moment.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Yes and no.

What didn't he do?

 

[nursenurse]

Only you can determine if he is saying how great the connection because it is true, or if he is saying it to just string you along. is it more than a day or two, or even a week or two? At some point even PTSD folks have to put their money where their mouths are. Forget the mean texts, rise above that. He has to learn he can lose you too, we all know that no one can be taken for granted, even in the best of circumstances. Go on doing your own thing as if he had never existed. if he wants to be a part of your life, he will let you know.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand the anger, it comes and goes for me. Growing lately.

Distancing goes against everything most of us know about someone caring about you. We want the people we care about to show us they want to be around us, to want to talk to us, to want to know how we are... We want to feel wanted. To feel important to them. Distancing screams NOT. It goes against our instinct.

And yet, drawing from my experience, I am told that actions means more than words with no recognition of what distancing says. I'm am told I should know he cares by his actions towards me. But, he does not understand that I get insecure because of the disparity between his normal behavior and his PTSD issues.

I am at my wits end, to be honest.

 

[KyGirl31]

I agree Bewitched/Bewildered. Sometimes it's harder to hang on than to just let go:(

I'm at my very wits end feeling unwanted.

 

[nursenurse]

Remember, there is a difference between the isolating that PTSD folks need as compared with distancing, at least the kind of distancing that you are describing. In the end, if you feel it is wrong, then it likely is, at least for you. The relationship cannot be all about just one person's needs, and of course, a PTSD relationship seems to be all about the sufferer, at times. But if your emotional needs are not being met, you do not see any parts that make the world of love seem worthwhile and wonderful, then the relationship is not for you. You should feel uplifted by love. And honestly, sometimes it is harder to let go than it is to stay, in any relationship. We want it to work out, we will it, to work out. And then it just doesn't. To admit you have needs, wants and desires that you do not want swept under the carpet is not admitting weakness. it is admitting your humanity. It isn't easy regardless. Good luck to you both, B and B, and KyGirl.

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

Nurse, can you explain the difference? I see the type of distancing we are talking about all over the forum. My understanding is that it is connected to sufferers depression issues.

 

[nursenurse]

I'm not sure there is a true distinction, but I look at it a little differently. And certainly others may correct me if I am wrong. I just feel that the kind of distancing described by a lot of folks is more than "I just need to be by myself for a bit." When I read what is written, and read between the lines, I feel that the distancing is more of a way to not be present in the relationship period, like trying to get away from it all, on a more perhaps permanent basis. The isolating, to me, denotes something that can be more temporary. For instance, in my sufferer's case, he isolated himself for a short period (a day or two) after becoming overwhelmed by issues in his life. He didn't want to be with anybody, or be out in the world, period. After that, he was fine. Distancing to me becomes more of an emotional separation as well, with a hint of permanency to it. They can be off and still doing their thing in the world, but you are not a part of that.

Maybe that is splitting hairs. The definition for distance, in the verbal sense is to make someone or something far off or remote in postion or nature. The definition of isolate is to cause a person (or place) to be or remain alone or apart from others. Both definitions from the Merriam Webster dictionary. So there is a difference which I can see and feel. Hope this helps.

 

[KyGirl31]

I'm all smiles this morning as he woke me up to talk and sent me this smiley thingy and an hour later sent me another smiley. I realize that doesn't mean much to some but it lets me know his expressions. Doesn't take a lot for this man to make me happy, it's so real.

He usually only pulls away for a few days but given were 5 hours apart and I'm left thinking okay is he dead or found someone else or going through something?

He's the first man I've gotten attached to in many years so it's a bit scary to think of losing him. Lets face it ladies a lot of men in today's world are deceitful and unfaithful and one thing I can count on from him is even if it hurts me he will not lie to me.

I'm so happy to have met him and every single tear I've shed over this was worth it to have known him. I hope to grow closer to him over time.

Thank you ladies for the support when I wanted to pull my hair out and cry!

 

[BewitchedBewildered]

I understand and I have the long distance situation also. Happy for you!