Sufferer If I Cant Have You, Then No One Can!!

[Xbreed]

Words that will forever haunt me, even tho I know in my heart I'm not the reason they are dead, I still think 30 years later surely I could have done something to stop it, (after all we had subdued "Pops on more then a few occasions and taken the unloaded pistol from him) but I just stood there,, my mind said its not loaded its not loaded, "Moms came and stood next to me and put her arm around me and said well if he gunna do it I wish he would just get it over with!.... BANG from the other end of the Kitchen, warm spattering on my face, And I just stood there... He walked up to her lifeless body.. Bang, And I just stood there, then he stepped up to me, And I just stood there.. Closer then a man and woman stand facing each other when they are married he looked me in the eyes, put the barrel of the gun under his chin...BANG.. And I just stood there!!
I never sought counseling until my wife got pregnant and anger started rearing its head Family and friends suggested I go see a therapist so I did, the first one,after sitting with me for the hour told me come back in a week and I'll have an assessment for you, Here is what she said... Well Mr ***** you have severe PTSD and unfortunately I have neither the experience or the knowledge to work with some one of your severity, I will have to refer you to someone that has those capability's.

What I took home from that was that I was one f*cked up Person, I am glad for who she referred me to as I have been with her 5 years now, tho another thing I come to realize is that Face Book makes for a real crappy place to have discussions, So Here I am.

Hello my name is Xbreed... and I have PTSD!!

 

[franciemarnie]

Hi Xbreed,

So glad you found the forum. So many great discussions and much support and sharing of healing solutions and quandaries.

I would still remember like you if it happened to me. I could visualize it clearly as you told it and I am so sorry this happened.

I hope your trauma therapist can help show you someday how there was nothing you could do in that moment, of what happens with the limbic brain in emergencies. It's one thing to look back when you are no longer in a fight/flight/freeze/collapse situation and you have full access to your neocortex. It's quite another when you are in the thick of danger and your thinking brain goes dark -involuntarily hijacked by your survival brain. Two different worlds.

Welcome!

 

[Echo]

@Xbreed - welcome to the forum. What you have gone through is awful; I hope you gradually find you can restore yourself and gain some peace. So many of us here have PTSD for dreadful reasons, but there is so much support and understanding here, so I am glad you found us.

 

[Notsowild]

Hi @Xbreed... So glad you found this forum. It is full of great information and wonderful people. And so sorry for what you have gone through.

.. Well Mr ***** you have severe PTSD and unfortunately I have neither the experience or the knowledge to work with some one of your severity

I was told by a counsellor she had never heard such horrific abuse before. It made me feel untreatable and of course different than everyone else. Why even say that? Where is their compassion? So glad you have found a good therapist.

 

[Xbreed]

Thanks for the welcoming,, that experience is the first time I have ever written it down, what a rush of memory, still processing how I feel about it, I also went ahead and posted on my FB wall, to which friends of mine whom I've known decades were shocked, sure they knew I witnessed a murder suicide but they never knew until now just what I've carried inside all these years.

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Xbreed,

Welcome to the forum!

Although it can be shocking to hear the diagnosis and have a therapist say they aren't equipped to treat it, I am glad the first therapist was honest with you and gave you a referral to someone that can help. I hope you find this forum beneficial to your healing.

Take care.

Debbie