If Living Becomes Impossible

[trying2movefwd]

If my life keeps up the way it's been going I am not sure I will survive this. I am in limbo between applying for Social Security , waiting to officially hear back from my local BVR, and haven't been able to keep a job due to dissacosiation. My Counselor tried helping me see the dx as a good thing, because now I am properly dx'd. I can be more understanding of all my failed attempts at employment. However my local government agency where I am recieving other types of government assistance is planning on sanctioning me for not meeting their expectations. I am in trouble for not showing up to work enough hours that they require to receive services. My case worker started yelling at me yesterday saying, "THIS IS WHAT NORMAL SINGLE MOTHERS DO! THEY WORK AND SCHEDULE APPOINTMENTS AROUND WORK. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU TELL ME ONE THING, YOUR DOCTOR SAYS ANOTHER." i am telling her my doctor just told me Monday she doesn't think I should work period. I was just diagnosed with a dissociative disorder on Monday. My appointments are mid day an hour away from here. Between my children and self i often have a minimum of 5 apppointments a week. I am in tears, shaking, i am looking like a drug addict but i have never taken any illegal drug nor do i drink alcohol..she called me a liar who just didn't want to work. I left her office she told me, there is just enough time this week for me to get hours in. I have to cancel all my appointments and children's appointments including my psychiatrist, my counseling, my children's counseling, a doctor appointment for my daughter, a dental appointment for self, a pediatric dental for daughter, and there are others i can't think of right now all before September! I was to the point yesterday where I was going to say screw it. Fill out papers to stop receiving benefits, find someone to take custody of my children, i already know who this would be since it won't be abusive father, i drove around, found a place to park, and a very big bridge that should do the job on my last day on earth. My Counselor was told about this asked if i was safe, my bff asked if i needed a hospital, i told her no several times. I would rather just end it. If this is going to be my life. I am tired of hospitals. My Counselor is going to try and fill out paper work stating my conditions and limitations are so severe that I REALLY do forget completely about things...and until my dissacosiation is treated its nearly impossible for any work or school to be considered gainful. I am getting ready though to go "work"! Let's hope I don't lose it!!! I am sure my counselor hasn't contacted them yet. My psychiatrist is out of office until next week. I hope i can handle this. :( i don't want death, but if living becomes impossible then, what other choice do i have?

 

[trying2movefwd]

:cry:

 

[hodge]

Oh, hon, please hang in there. I have been in that pit, too. It's awful, but I think SSD is going to come through for you and that will help a lot. You can still work a bit, though it might really help to take a long break once you get on disability. Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[Jane1234]

Please please please hand in there. As difficult as it is I'm sure SSI will come through. Your children need you. I'm sure its so very difficult and I send my prayers.

 

[Justmehere]

Do you have a program called aid to needy and disabled in your state? It's basically where a doctor fills out a form that says you can't work, and then social services uses it to waive work requirements. If not that specific program, then ask your social worker, or preferably their supervisor, what can be done to have your doctor or therapist verify you are unable to work at this time.

Sorry the social worker was such a jerk!

Once you get into programs designed designed for those who are disabled, I think you'll find a lot more success.

 

[sonicwhite]

I got SSDI in four months. I had major PTSD flashbacks of when I was going through the psychosis. I thought I was dead and this earth was my heart opened up to the entire universe of all the evil that was in it.

I didn't want SSI but she said I couldn't function even when in therapy we had to cut it short because I was too tough of a case. So have faith. Benzos really helped me. Maybe they will do that for you.


In all respect I know and pray that God will deliver you and give you peace.

 

[GardenGirl0214]

Your kids need you, so ignore that case worker's rudeness. Those who don't have a mental illness don't understand the struggles we go through on a daily basis. One step at a time. First, try to file the paperwork for disability.

 

[Casey_03]

That case worker sounds like an absolute moron. You are under an unbelievable amount of stress that most people would break under. Don't listen to that moron. You do whatever you have to do to make it through this. If you can't work and it is driving you to the point where you are hysterical, don't work. If you have to throw an absolute hissy fit or have a meltdown in front of your counselor to have him write up paperwork explaining you can't work, do it. And if it helps you to sit and think about giving up, do it -- I mean, don't actually give up, but think about it all you want. I know that always helps me when I'm at a breaking point -- I tell myself I'm going to give up, I imagine giving up ... but then I get right back up and keep going. And somehow thinking about giving up restores a sense of control for me; it helps me be able to get right back up again. At the end of the day, just focus on your top priorities and to hell with everything else. And stop for a minute to praise yourself on how much you're already doing. You may feel weak, but you're clearly not, not at all. Don't let that government agency or case worker make you think you're failing somehow -- you're not. They just exist solely to make people feel like failures.

 

[Trinket]

It sounds like you are doing an amazing balancing act that most people would have a hard time doing, let alone without your diagnosis. And while you are doing it, you are thinking about your kids, which speaks volumes about your strength as a mother. Your kids won't fail to notice this one day either, if they don't already. Please take heart. I know it may seem impossible now. As a single mom who gets overwhelmed just by having to go to the grocery store sometimes, I feel hopeless many days myself..but each day you can handle, I think if you give yourself permission and space to be you and know you are doing your best. That case worker sounds like a total idiot, I wouldn't put any stock in anything she has to say.

 

[anonymous]

Let me just vent here for you. f*cking abusive piece of kak government/health workers. I have NO idea how they sleep at night. If it was them (which it could very well be one day) that were suffering, they would be on their knees in an instant. The insanity of this system is beyond comprehension.

That being said, I am certain that they have some sort of abuse guidelines that they strictly adhere to if clients become abusive.

I walked into the disability office for the first time years ago. It was so hard to do. I was standing right beside a sign that said 'We do not tolerate abusive behaviour, not from our clients, nor from our workers'. Chick at the front desk was SO abusive towards me.
I walked out to my car and called the manager. I said this:
'My name is Shimmerz. I am going to say my name every time I walk into this office. If anyone treats me disrespectfully, I am going to raise so my hell you are going to want to go on disability yourself. Got it?'

And I did that. Every time I went into the office.

I would suggest calling management. File a complaint against whoever said that to you. It is abusive. And she will be abusive to others as well. Your situation is not different from MANY people out there. You will be doing others a favour....

I would suggest you call your doctor and make certain that he writes a letter that cannot be ambiguous as to what your capabilities are. Fax the letter. Drop in the letter. ASAP. Then everyone knows what you are and are not capable of.

I have been dealing with dicks like this for 10 years now. I have built up an 'attitude'. A don't screw with me attitude. Don't belittle me, don't call me names like liar or whatever, and don't let me think for 1 instance that my suffering doesn't count. I won't stand for it. Ever. You will learn this too, through your healing.

Your children need you. You are not what this woman said you are. You are deserving of compassion and empathy. Always. From everyone. And if you don't get it - demand that a person capable of doing their job in a non-abusive way be assigned to you. Don't you EVER give up.

Sorry, I just feel this posting so deeply. This was one of the hardest things about having PTSD in this society. So many people out there are just heartless pieces of dirt.

/rant over
Sorry if I offended.

 

[shimmerz]

^^ No idea why that was just posted Anonymously. Clearly I checked off the box and didn't realize it. That was me....

 

[EveHarrington]

Call her supervisor and tell the supervisor that your doctor has told you that you cannot work due to your health issues, one of which was finally diagnosed properly just a few days ago. Inform the supervisor that you will gladly get any required paperwork from the doctor to prove it.

I have no idea what program you're in, but if you're disabled then there shouldn't be requirements to work.