If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[RussH]

Yesterday and today was a challenge. Most of the emotion trauma I suffered happened in the school setting. My job takes me into schools. I have been in school many times, and never had a issue. However, the the last two days have been tough. I think it is because of having this very strong flashback, and then going into the enviroment, a school setting, that puts me in the "combat zone" if you will.

It's funny, I know that I am not back at my school and the kids I am around are not the ones who traumatized me, but when I get into the setting, especially if I have to go out in the hallway while the kids are changing classes, I start feeling real anxious, and uncomfortable. I have noticed this before, never really thought about it until now. Now, I know that I am reliving the the feeling I had when I was at my school.

I will be glad to get some of these issues resolved. I don't like going to work and feeling like I did years ago at school.

 

[Hopp]

When you now think about the things that happened when you were a kid it might change things for the worse for a while...:( It is still a good thing.;) You will have to deal with all these feelings that you pressed down as a kid, but is might be tough...

 

[RussH]

Thank you Hopp, I think it is a forced desensitizing to the enviroment. I cannot avoid going to high schools, so I will have to learn they are safe zones, and that will happen.

I really think I am feeling these anxieties about being at the school because of the recent flashback, and with time, and exposure, the anxieties will quiet down.

 

[RussH]

As you all know this is a trauma diary. You are all welcome to read what I write, otherwise I would not write it:) Sometimes I am just writing as a way of thinking "outloud". Today is one of those days, so feel free to read my mind, and feel free to comment on my thoughts.

I don't know why I question whether or not my co-workers like me as a friend or not, and I especially don't understand why I suspect they do not. It is not like they have given me any reason to think they don't consider me a friend, but that is what I sometimes feels like. Is it because I don't necessarily think of myself as a friend? And can a person really be their own friend? I don't know. I guess the real question is do I like me as a friend? And the sad thing; I don't think I like me very much.

I know that low self image, or not liking one's self is a long-term effect of being emotionally abused as I was, but does that knowledge make it any less real? Any less true? How can I expect others to think of me as a friend, when I cannot honestly think of myself this way? Sometimes, most times this really stinks.

I really wish I knew that these people I work with, and care for, also cared about me, but I just don't know that. Sometimes when the work is finished, and we are waiting to leave to travel back home; my co-workers will be sitting around the table talking. I will contine to find things to do, or sometimes I will go off and stand by myself because I just don't feel like I belong. Again they, or at least most of them, have never given me a reason to feel this way, but I do. I just wish that sometime they would realize how often I isolate myself, and they would do something to draw me in, to make me feel like I belong, that maybe somebody actually cares. Am I expecting too much?

God never intended life to be this hard. He never intended us to distroy one another with our words or our actions, but we do. And when that happens people like me are left bleeding on the floor not understanding what we did to deserve such treatment. Why me? What did I do that gave them permission to wound me so deeply? And why do these wounds continue to affect me in such a negative way? Why can't I know the people who know me best actually care about me? Why can't I kno these things?

Well I guess I know what my session with the therapist will be on. Sometimes life, as good as it is, still stinks.

 

[The Albatross]

I know for myself, that I'm not too good at the social stuff. I think it is my confidence in this area that prevents me sometimes from engaging. I don't though, tend to think that it is up to others to make me feel like I belong or care about me beyond the working relationship. I tend to resist putting unreasonable expectations on coworkers I think because I believe any need I have would best be met in my familial, friend or spousal relationships.

I try to initiate and engage coworkers and have had mixed results.

Russ, I think I would examine the idea that tied together needing to feel like you belong or cared about by your coworkers and wanting them to realize you are isolating yourself. I found for myself, if I waited for people to notice... I'd be waiting for a very long time. If I want something different now I do something different and endeavor to take actions (even ones that involve stress or risk) that may get me where I want to go.

Can you think of some things you can do to improve the situation? It's holiday time... what would bringing in a tray of treats or a pie for your coworkers do? How about engaging on a one for one basis with a compliment for someone, "Nice tie"... "Great boots"... "Can I ask where did you find that jacket?". Hold the door for somebody. Acknowledge with a "thank you very much" if someone does something for you... stuff like that. Small little thing that can give you some new experiences to build on.

 

[RussH]

@The Albatross: Thank you for your comments. My work situation is unique. We travel together all over our region. Our job can take us up to three hours to just get to the place we are working for that day. Because of this, we are not so much co-workers as a kind of extended family. So when I struggle with these kind of thoughts, regarding my co-workers, it's like thinking the same thing about family.

I do a lot of things to engage my co-workers, I have brought goodies, and give compliments etc. And it's not like they are not friendly towards me, it really is more my preception, and how I think about myself. that causes these feelings. it's just one of the ways my trauma has screwed me up.

 

[The Albatross]

Good observation about it likely being perceptual. Are you familiar with Psalms 55 through 57? David gives a "prescription" for distress... and actually moves through distress in a very clear way when you break them down. It was taught to me in counseling at my church and is a model for the times I deal with my own distress and feelings.

I had a synopsis somewhere, but I'm viral and am not thinking to clearly at the moment.

 

[RussH]

@The Albatross : Thank you. I will read the psalms later. I am guessing you are also a christian? If so, I am really glad to know that.

 

[The Albatross]

Yup. I am. As you read, try to notice the emotional states that he goes through from start to finish. It can be a very sustaining example for us.

 

[The Albatross]

Borrowed this but it is not what I used when I studied it... it is the best I can do at the moment it is actually timely as today is Thanksgiving. I hope you find it helpful brother.

Psalm 55

How does the prayer begin in verse 1?

Where does the psalmist desire to be in verses 6 and 7?

From verse 14, what makes the opposition difficult to accept?

What is promised in verse 22?

What does it mean to you that "your provider is the Most High Yahweh, your Benefactor who will sustain you" (v22) ?



Psalm 56

What does the king pray for in verse 1?

According to verse 3, in whom does the psalmist trust when he is afraid?

How would the psalmist like to see his trust confirmed in verse 9?

What does he confidently proclaim in verse 11?

The next time you are afraid, how might you place your trust in the LORD your GOD?



Psalm 57

How does the psalmist express his confidence in GOD in verse 1?

From verses 4 and 6, what is the situation which distresses the psalmist?

For what is he thankful in verses 7 through 10?

In the midst of your distress, are you able to thank the LORD your GOD?

 

[The Albatross]

Hey Russ... are you in fellowship or involved in a faith based community when you are called to travel with your group? Is there any chance that being in fellowship with people of your faith can help you deal with the perceptions or desires of wants/needs from your coworkers? Just a thought, I know that I would benefit by that for myself.

 

[RussH]

@The Albatross My wife and I have just started attending a new church, and we are hopeful of making friends there. As far as my work situation the travel is always single day trips; we drive to the site, set up work, break down, and go home. So we have a lot of windshield time, and as such we know a great deal about one another's lives and families.

As stated before, I cannot point to any specific thing that makes me feel this way about my co-workers, other than my past trauma. But as an example this last time I had my flashback. It was very obvious to everyone at work that something was really wrong with me, but other than the one supervisor coming up to me and asking if I was ok, for the most part, the rest of the left me alone. There have been other times where they have planned some things for after work, and either forgot to mention it to me, or invited me as an afterthought.

However, in their defense, until recently I was the only male doing the job I do at work. And my co-workers would plan a girls night out after work; go to dinner, and to the mall, if we were in a city that had a mall, and I would be asked to ride home with the truck driver. And I do understand them wanting a girls night out, but when you are the only one be excluded from the activities, and when your co-workers are the only friends you have, after a while you get the message.

Why couldn't they occasionally plan something that would include me? My co-workers, other than the supervisiors, know nothing of my past, so they don't understand when the exclude me from "fun activities" it hurts, even if it shouldn't. So, I guess I just wish at sometime one of them would make a point of makiing me feel incuded instead of always feeling like an outsider.

We now have two guys who are also working with us: one is a bully, and the other is my son's age, and I really don't know what he thinks of me. I purposely avoid the bully, and the other we are social to one another, but I can't say we are friends.