If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[RussH]

I am now 57 years old, and I have suffered from the effects of bullying for most of my life. While I knew these strong, negative, emotional responses to certain stimuli related to my past, I really did not understand what was happening. I have recently read a fiction book "Unspoken" by Dee Henderson, and in this book the main female character had been kidnapped and held for four years. She has issues. As I was reading the book, I suddenly thought "Here is somebody that gets me. She, the character, knows what I am going through." At one point in the book the character confesses that "she is broken" When I read that things just started falling into place. I realized that if she gets me, then others are suffering the same thing I am, so I am not alone in this.

In the meantime, something happened at work that made me feel rejected. It triggered an emotional response that was far too strong for the given circumstances. I don't get angry. I have deep pain, sorrow, shame, guilt etc, but now that I knew I was not alone and others suffered like me, I went to work.

I began by looking up the long-term effects of bullying, and started reading my mail. I would read the various things and would say yep, yep, yep, yep, it was all me. Then I came to PTSD and paused. Is it possible? Can I actually be suffering from PTSD? I never thought of that possibility, so I started reading. When I read about emotional flashbacks, it clicked, this is what I have been dealing with all these years, and just did not know it.
Now it has a name and a face. I have started refering to it as the monster.

Now I know who this monster is, I am now ready to go on the offensive. Now that it, the monster, is no longer able to hide in the shadows, and attack me when I least expect it; I am going after it. I am going to hunt this monster down and kill it. I will get better. I will beat this thing

Because this most recent, and most severe flashback happened at work, my co- workers are aware something is going on. I went in and talked with my boss. I realized I need help, and because I don't really have any friends, the only place I can find support is at work.

I, fortunately, have a good, understanding manager, and good team leaders. Our work situation is unique because of the job we do, so we are almost like family. They are going to help me.

As I have been studying about the various effects of bullying, including self-loathing, I read that it comes from guilt at not defending ourselves and letting it happen. I wasn't sure about that. I had to think about it. Well as I was sitting in my manager's office talking with her, I realized, and faced my biggest hurt- the fact that this went on for years, and no one was willing, including myself to stop it caused a really deep pain. I sat in her office, and my body was racked with sobs as this pain came out, this realization that I had felt so terribly all alone, violated, thrown out with the rest of the garbage, and nobody cared.

I now realize that during that time, at some point that wounded little boy went into hiding. He is somewhere in me hurting, hiding, confused and all alone. He is wondering why no one will come and help him. Well now I know who the monster is, so I am going to hunt it down, kill it, and then I am going to find that little boy, wrap my arms around him, let him know he is loved and that he is safe. I have decided, I am going to be my own hero.

Please feel free to join me on this journey. I will be completely honest with what is happening, what I feel and how I am progressing. Prehaps, as I do this, some of the things I post may help you; I hope so. Blessings.

 

[Hopp]

You are obviosly a strong man now who are able to show what is hurting within. I know how much pain bullying can give, I have also experienced that. I will follow you on this journey if I may.

 

[RussH]

I will follow you on this journey if I may.

You are more than welcome to join me on this journey. A journey shared with a friend is all the more enjoyable. I am calling this my "Be your own hero" Journey.

 

[RussH]

Today day is Sunday, and I woke up feeling pretty good. I feel like I have stablized from this last flare up and can move on now. While this last flashback has been the worst; it has also been the best. As I mentioned in the opening blog I read this book, Unspoken, and I closely identified with what the character was suffering with. I realized she got me, and understood me. I then knew I wasn't alone.

I have been accused of being a deep thinker, and truthfully, I am. So, I started doing research, and through that I figured out what is wrong with me, and more importantly, I can be fixed. I think, now, because I know what I is wrong with me, I unconsciencously gave my self permission to experience the full emotional scope of what happened to me. It was incredibly hard, and I wondered if I would survive it (No I am not suscidial, and would not harm myself). I was just so racked with these incredibly painful emotions and memories. But, through this I learned some things.

I learned:

• I need help, and a support network. My supervisiors at work are going to help me.
• I need to see a counselor, and I have now had my first visit. We are both optomistic that we can beat this thing.
• I now know what is the moment that caused me the greatest pain.
• I know my primary trigger is rejection, and this is the root cause of my alledged PTSD. (I have not been offically diagnoised, but trust me I got it. I think it is most likely cPTSD.

Now here is the point of this morning's post. It came to me this morning, and I have made the decision to agree with it. I will no longer be ashamed of what happened to me. I was not at fault. I did nothing wrong. I was the victim. I will not boast of my past, but neither will I hide from it, and keep it locked up in a closet. It is, after all, a significant part of what defines who I am now; good and bad. I will embrace my past, and use that knowledge to live a better tomorrow.

I also know that I could not defend myself. However, just because I could not defend myself did not stop me from berating myself and condemning myself from being this pathetic weakling that would let this happen. I know, that I know, now that I could not stop it, so I forgive myself. It was not my fault, I was a victim.

I have also decided that, and this will take time and counseling, I will no longer believe all the lies my tormentors said about me. Their opinions will no longer be my opinions. I am quite capable of forming my own opinons of who I am, and I can do a much better job than they could. They were right about one thing; there was a pathetic loser in the room, but it wasn't me!

I will like myself. I will no longer reject myself. I will esteem myself. I will be the man God created me to be. I will be me.

 

[RussH]

Monday: I am a christian. I don't know if I have shared that here on the forum, or not, but I want all of you to know that. It was about three and one half years after I became broken; I had fallen into drugs and drinking to try and kill the pain, and of course it didn't work. I reached a point in my life where I knew I had to give my life to Christ, or die. I chose Christ.

It was then that the healing started. God cleaned up my life, set me free from the Alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes. He infused life into someone who felt dead on the inside. However, as much a God acomplished in me, I still suffer the long-term effects of bullying. I did not understand why I felt the way I did, and why the emotional pain would periodically return. I did not understand why God did not heal me completely.

Today, I realize that God knew that I was not ready to face the pain I would have to endure when these memories surfaced. I was in the eighth grade. I had been bullied in one degree or another for eight years. The bullying intensified many fold in the eighth grade, and it became too much and I shattered.

It was toward the end of the eighth year when a group of boys at PE were harassing me. They took turns spitting into my dingo books until the insole was completely covered by a 1/4 inch film of saliva. I had enough! I went to the PE teacher, and told him what happened. He looked at me and asked in a very condescending voice "What do you want me to do about it?" I knew then I was completely without hope.

This is one of the most painful moments I can remember, but I also know there was something else about that moment that was waiting in the back of my memory to come out. Today I remembered what it was. When he gave me his answer; he had a look on his face of pure contempt. I knew at that moment that I was compemptable. I knew that everything that had been done to me was completely justified and I deserved to be treated in the manner that treated me. It was not at this moment that I fell apart in front of my entire class, but it was the moment I shattered.

I now ask myself, if this teacher had done his job, if he had protected me instead of showing me contempt, where would I be today? I do not think positive actions on his part would have mitigated the pain and trauma I had already suffered, but he would not have added to it, but his actions added significant damage to my already wounded soul.

However I have survived, and I will continue to do so. The flashback crisis I have been in the last two weeks seems to be abating, and I am stablizing emotionally; I didn't cry today, and that is a victory. I have also learned so much about my self and my condition. I truly believe that I will, with time, be better than what has always been my normal. I will come out of this stronger and healthier, and life will be good.

I think I have matured to the place where God wants me to be, so I can handle the pain of all these memories, and He can finish the healing.

 

[Hopp]

RussH, I also want to tell you that I´m a christian and I also have seen the hand of God in this (my PTSD). I´m glad that you also can see his work even through the hard times. I have actuelly thought about this thing with Flashbacks. Maybe it is something very clever. You and I get the oppurtunity to change the future and the past (at least understand the past) every time we get one of those. I Think that is one of the ways God has to heal us. But I still hate Flashbacks...

 

[RussH]

Hopp, like you I hate these flashbacks, but I am realizing they are learning opportunities. Now that I know what is going on with me, I have learned so much about what happened to me, and how it has affected me; I can truly begin the healing process; for myself and others.

I am already planning on getting involved in, or establishing a ministry to help people like us. God is truly faithful, and I see His hand in this.

 

[RussH]

Tuesday: As I work through these issues of my past, and I attempt to understand how it affects me today; especially in the area of self estIeem. I came up with an analogy I wil share with you. There are two objects to think about; a hammer, and a diamond. A hammer has value because it can be used as a hammer. However it has no real intrensic value. A diamond, on the other hand, has value simply because it is a diamond. A diamond has intrensic value. I see myself as a hammer.

I am good at my job. I do things that contribute to my place of work, my church and my family. I derive self value from the things I do, or how well I do them. I am a hammer; my value comes from what I do. The problem with being a hammer is if I fail at what I am doing, then not only am I a failure, but I also lose whatever value I think I have.

I want to be a diamond. I want to have value because of who I am, and not what I do. Any sense of self-value was stripped from me when I was emotionally assaulted. I ceased being a diamond. I have lived for years trying to be a hammer; to sense value from what I did, and what others thought of me. I no longer want to be a hammer.

I am begining my journey to find that diamond hidden deep inside of me. I don't know where it is hidden, but I know it is there, and I am determined to find it. I will, soon I hope, discover that intrensic value that we are all created with.

I also know this; you are a diamond. You do not need to depend on what others say about you to have self- worth. You are valuable just by virtue of being you. I know you don't see it now, but you are a diamond, and you can do what I am doing, begin your search for your sense of self-value, and find your diamond.

 

[Hopp]

That was a great picture of something I recognize; being a hammer.

 

[RussH]

I recognize; being a hammer.

Hopp, just keep in mind; like me, today you are a hammer, but there is a diamond somewhere deep inside of you. We just have to find it.

 

[RussH]

Friday, I am glad to say that the emotional upheaval from this past episode is finally subsided, although I am still dealing with anxiety; especially at work. I found yesterday to be a rough day. I think part of it is; I finally decided I needed a support network; people that can help me heal. So, I have written a narative about me experiences for my team supervisors I have detailed some of the things that were done to me, and the effects it has on me today. And now I find myself on pins and needles waiting for an acknowledgment that they have read it.

I do not take anxiety medications, and don't want to; I am trying my best to tough it out, because I know this is only temporary. I know that soon I will stablize and get back to being what is normal for me. However, I have also decided that being "normal" is not good enough, I am now reaching out to be better than my normal. I want to be normal like normal people.

One of the areas I struggle with is setting too high of a standard for myself. I expect perfection from me. The funny thing is although I expect perfection from me; I am not a perfectionist. I don't have to keep doing something until it is perfect, but I expect my work performance to be perfect. I now know why this is; and hope to change my thinking.

As mentioned in a previous post. I am like a hammer. I gain a sense of self-worth by what I do. If I have a flawless day at work, then I have value. If I don't have a perfect day at work, then my sense of value plummets and I feel like a failure. I have to realize the job I do cannot be done perfectly everytime. There are just too much variables that can effect the outcome, and I need to learn how to accept that. My job is one of those kind of jobs that requires a sense of self-confidence in doing the job, and I am good at what I do, however this latest flashback has affected every aspect of my being; including my confidence in doing my job. Needless to say, it has been a rough week at work. I hope to get some rest this weekend, and next week have a better week at work, and get my confidence back.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

I am going to be my own hero.

That is a really beautiful and inspiring thing to say. Even more so when you truly believe in it.
I want to tell you that I think you are an amazing and strong person. After all that you've been through, here you are, taking care of your family, working hard, and now even facing the monster that has been haunting you since your childhood. In spite of the fact that your teacher didn't protect you.

You know, not all perfectionists have the compulsion to have every book in their bookcase stacked on alphabetical order, with not one sticking out a millimeter more than the others. You are judging yourself based on your achievements and you're definitely being hard on yourself. I definitely recognize that. But the sucky thing about this is, that you probably won't stop raising the bar that you think represents your value. You have so much value. You are happily married, you have children and grandchildren and I'm sure you love them very much. You took the courage to tell your manager about what you're going through and asked for help all on your own. You shouldn't act like a hammer anymore, because you have always been a diamond. Be proud, my friend! :)