If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[RussH]

@Snowwhite thank you. I am sure I will have good support there, and I look forward to posting a postive post that evening.

 

[HelenB]

I got touched when I saw that Helen B referred to psalm 23. I have been reading that psalm for myself a bit the last week and been feeling that it is so strong. "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies" that means that He will be there in the middle of the battle and give you what you need and even more.

The other thing I really like about that part of the psalm is that I have heard that preparing a table in the presence of our enemy's is one thing which the Israelites literally used to do to show that they were in covenant with the person they were eating with and they used to do it in full view of their enemy's so that everyone effectively knew "if you mess with him you mess with me". That is the covenant God also has with us. He is well and truly on our side, which is so amazing.

God bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

Today was not a good day. The work day went ok; I didn't have much anxiety and everything went well, then I got home. I got a call from my manager, and apparently some of my co-workers have expressed concern that I might hurt myself, or them, so I have been placed on adminstrative leave until my company can do an investigation.

I have done nothing to cause my co-workers to think this; it is so stinking unfair. I am not a violent person, nor am I a self-distructive person. I am simply a person that has been deeply hurt by others, and it seems that I am going to keep be hurting by people. When I get back to work I am just going to do my job, and not engage in any social discorse with any of my co-workers. If i am asked a work related question, I will answer it, other than that if I can't trust them, then they don't need any social interaction with me.

The thing that really upsets me is when my co-workers acted in an unkind manner toward me, and caused me to have a flashback I refused to give my manager their names, or the particulars of what happen, so they would not be in trouble, and this is what it gets me.

I called my counsellor, and she is going to talk write a letter stating that I am not a danger to anyone; she thinks it preposterous. This just really stinks.

I sorry if this is rambling, but right now I am upset, I am hurt, and frankly I am scared. I did not need this at this time.

 

[RussH]

This really bites. I am emotionally right where I was at six weeks agoo when I had my flashback. My co-workers have put me in a tail-spin with their baseless concerns. Fortunately, my manager is 100% behind me, and knows I don't deserve what is happening to me.

This really hurts. I was finally getting to the place where I was stablizing with my emotions, and now I am a wreck again. My work is requiring me to see a counsellor, never mind that I am already seeing one. We are trying t see if they will accept my counsellor, or if I have to see another. I really don't want to have to go through this all again, once was enough.

I just don't know, I will survive this, again, but at what cost? How much of me will I lose through this? It's like this world just keeps chipping away one little piece at a time, and I just don't know how many pieces are going to be left.

However, I will survive. And not only will I survive, I will win. I will overcome. This battle is not over, it has only just begun.

 

[The Albatross]

Not sure what to say except that I hope things come out in your favor Russ. Glad you contacted your counselor. Want to say more but don't think it would be insightful enough.

 

[RussH]

Not sure what to say except that I hope things come out in your favor Russ. Glad you contacted your counselor. Want to say more but don't think it would be insightful enough.

As far as my job, everything will be ok. My manager is 100% behind me, and human resources has told me that it simply is a process I have to go through. As far as my co-workers- I don't know. I certainly see where I will be limiting my contact with them.

These co-workers have so blown things out of proportion, and as a result have caused me undo grief, and regression. I also suspect this is the same co-workers that caused the flashback in the first place.

 

[The Albatross]

People and relationships are messy. Sometimes it is a "find the lesson" sort of thing, and with coworker relationships in particular it can be a challenge. I've had some stress reactions at work too on one job, but not the one where I work with the elderly.

 

[RussH]

coworker relationships in particular it can be a challenge.

Unfortunately, with the job I do, and the hours we work it makes it hard to have friendships outside of work, so basically the only friends I have are my co-workers, and now apparently I don't have them as friends.

 

[The Albatross]

Try to resist the over thinking and stick to what you know. You know that they were concerned that you would hurt yourself or someone. Let the rest play out as you go through the process of the investigation with your counselor for support and try to stick with the facts. If I am playing a game of poker, and I bet based on what cards I "think" I'm going to get, I'm bound to lose. Stay in the moment, do some stress reduction, and try to slow down a bit on your thinking.

Awfulizing (irrational and dramatic thought pattern, characterized by the tendency to overestimate the potential seriousness or negative consequences of events, situations, or perceived threats. "A person who engages in awfulizing, likely predicts the most catastrophic outcome in every circumstance.") is unwise in this circumstance as it keeps you down cycling and in a less beneficial mental state. If you're going to be evaluated in the course of the investigation, perhaps it is best to pause to consider or question the detriment to this kind of thinking pattern?

 

[The Albatross]

I think I'd spend a bit of time, as I've suggested before obliquely, with the idea that "it is hard to have friendships outside of work" and see if there can be actions to take to better balance your social/relationship needs with employment.

 

[RussH]

it is hard to have friendships outside of work"

My job can be anywhere from 8- 14 hours a day, and I am in a different city each day. I cannot engage in social activities during the week because I am not home, and weekends are for getting chores done, and spending some time with my wife. So, my schedule does not lend itself to having good friendships outside of work. And coupled with my difficulty in making friends; you can see my dilemma.

The idea of quitting my job, and finding another is not a good option. I live in an area where good jobs are hard to find.

 

[HelenB]

I am so sorry to hear how hard things are for you - especially when you were finding it so hard socially at work anyhow.

From what you have said it sounds like in many ways you just want to shut down and not have to face these people, but I would really encourage you that they are not all like that. Your supervisor sounds so good and supportive, and from what you have said it does sound like they do have concerns - even though as you rightly say you know that you are not going to be a harm to yourself or others. I imagine that when such strong emotions are coming up, which are linked to your experience of the past, it must feel for these people that it is hard to know, predict or understand the things you are going through.

I am praying for a real openness and honesty within the whole investigation and really believe that when things come into the light, this is where true healing and restoration can come. The bible talks about how God works all things for the good of those who love Him, and though in the moment that is so hard to see, I am praying that this in the long run bring so much more honesty and openness within your relationships at work, and that you can be truly blessed.

God bless
Helen x