If The Story Of My Life Helps Others, Then Let The Story Be Told

[RussH]

, it must feel for these people that it is hard to know, predict or understand the things you are going through.

Helen none of these people, with the exception of my supervisors know anything of my past. These people have known me for nine years, and they know I am not prone to violence. I am, by nature, a protector, and would not purposely hurt anyone outside of a life and death situation.

They knew that I was hurting, but not a single one of them approached me to ask if I was ok, they just let me hurt. I have not said anything about hurting myself, or anyone else. My actions in no way could be constrewed as dangerous to myself or others. They simply over reacted, and now I am, again, at the hands of my co-workers I am paying a very high emotional price in pain. And these are the same people that I have refused to tell my manager their names, so I could keep them from getting into trouble, and thus getting hurt.

I am also paying financially. This wipes out the overtime I was scheduled to work this week, and that translantes into a few hundred dollars.

I have been going to work the last several weeks with anxiety, just waiting for the other shoe to drop; just waiting for the next thing that would happen to cause me pain, well it happened in spades. And this is not revisiting my old friend, pain from the past, this is a new hurt being added to the old one.

Will I seperate myself from my co-workers except for work related conversations? Absolutely. I do not know who I can trust, and until I can establish some kind of sense of security, I cannot run the risk of getting hurt a third time; the price is simply too high.


There is no justification for their actions or concerns. I only hope I have the opportunity to talk with them, and let them know how much they have hurt me, and how much I don't appreciate them going to the manager without first talking with me.

Helen, I will survive this; I just don't know how much of me I may lose in the process. Thank you for your concern.

I am sorry if this sounds angry, but right now I am really hurting, and yes a little bit angry about it. Thank you again for your friendship.

 

[HelenB]

You do not need to be sorry for being angry. What you are going through must be hurting you so much and I am sorry for how hard it must be.

I am praying that everything will be able to come out in the open and that everything will be revealed and am so thankful that your supervisor is so understanding and good.

I am also praying for you to find God's real peace, which passes all understanding, and for protection for the whole of you within this situation, because God cares about you as He does not want you to loose any parts of you and really can bring restoration to every part, as you allow Him in.

There is a verse which I have been reading a lot recently in Hebrews 4:16 which says "let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I know financially and emotionally this time must be very hard for you, but really believe that our God is faithful and true, and really will bring you everything you need, and that He will work everything for the good of those who love Him, because that is what His word says.

Praying for you.
God bless
Helen

 

[RussH]

@HelenB Thank you. I want things to come to light, but I still do not want my co-workers to get in trouble, or get hurt in the process.

 

[HelenB]

I think that your heart really shines through with your attitude in this. It is good that you do not want them to get hurt, but at the same time it is important that you no longer get hurt, and they do have to take responsibility for their actions and realise when they have hurt others too. Bringing things into the light is so important for this and ultimately it is God's job to judge and people do have to bear the consequences of things they have done as they work through and do bear them. This is not you hurting them, it is I believe am important part of bringing things into the light, as this is where God would want them, and where things can rightly be dealt with for the protection of you within it too, which is so important and for you can help to know things have been rightly dealt with, so you can let it go from your hands and release them into your full forgiveness, which ultimately brings freedom and release to yourself and is so important.

I hope this makes some kind of sense and that you do not mind me sharing my thoughts again.

Helen

 

[The Albatross]

Talk it through Russ and work it out. I hope that this situation will be a non starter and will come out in your favor. I know the bottom line is that you need to do what you have to travel-wise to provide for yourself and your family. I've made that decision myself several times. It is tough, but I have every confidence that you'll work it through.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Oh my, that sounds like an awful situation. I would probably feel the exact same way.

But as others have already pointed out, you shouldn't take this as an attack. Your coworkers have expressed their concern because they care about you. They didn't do what they did because they thought you were weak or performing inadequatly, but because they apparently have a reason to be concerned about your (mental) health.

They don't know what's going on inside your head. They don't understand the difference between being hurt by your memories and being selfdestructive, because they probably haven't been through things like that.

As for the counsellor, I think seeing another one would not do anyone any good, not to mention having to replace your current counsellor. Perhaps you can ask your own T to write down an official statement on your mental health and send it to your employe, stressing that you are not a danger to yourself or to others, if that's what it takes to get everyone off your back.

I wish you the best and hope you'll get through this soon.

 

[RussH]

@Snowwhite Thank you for your post. I know that it is not a personal attack, but because of knowing how things work, I can almost guarentee this is the result of a gossip session where mouths and imaginations ran wild.

Work is not giving me an option; I have to see an in network counsellor. I have seen him one time, and he already has determined this is a waste of time. My present T is going to write a letter stating I am not a danger to myself or others.

Now having said all this; this really hurts. This has added a whole new layer of hurt to the existing one, but I still do not want anyone to get into trouble, and I really do not want anyone else to get a hurt as a result of this mess. I do want an apology from them though.

 

[RussH]

I am slowly working at getting the proper perspective about what is happening at work. My co-workers expressing concerns that I might hurt them, and this concern is based on-nothing. I have heard from my manager, and she is 100% behind me, but I am still in limbo. I do not know when we are going to have this meeting- I wish they would get on with it.

I am not really worried about my job because I am strictly the victim in this, but with work you just never know. I do know this, I am getting really tired of the people at work doing things to hurt me. As I posted to Snowwhite, this latest thing is most likely a result of gossip, and that really is a form of bullying when you think about it.

This one is going to take a while to get over.

 

[RussH]

I have come to the realization that I will need to confront my co-workers regarding what has happened.I have tried really hard to not get them in trouble, or cause them any pain, but I am afraid that is no longer an option. Confront my be too strong of a word, but I need to have a conversation with them, in the presence of my boss.

If I am right that the same people who caused my rejection trigger be tripped, are the same people that expressed this concern, then this conversation becomes necessary. I think they need to know that it is their actions, and their false assumptions that have caused me this intense grief. I have paid an incredibly high price for what they have done, personally, professionaly and financially.

I don't want to confront them and cause them sorrow for what they have done, but it is time I protect myself. I need them to know how badly they have hurt me in the hopes that it will prevent future hurts, because I am not sure how many more times I can survive this kind of pain.

I do not know if my place of employment will let me have this conversation. The concept behind this precedure is a person can approach management with a concern, and expect anonymity. However that is presuposing the person making the complait is also the victim, or witnessed someone being victimized. In my case, I am the victim, and as the victim I should have the right to know who has done this, and confront them with it. This is not about getting revenge, or retaliating against them. It is about educating them and preventing future episodes like this from happening to me, or anyone else. I just hope my employer sees it this way.

 

[RussH]

What does it mean to be broken? I know that when I have talked about my history I will talk about how I broke, shatterred really. So I have always used this term of having broke, but I have never really delved into what it means. Then, as I started researching the long-term effects of bullying, and PTSD I learned others refer to themselves as being broken; so, now I am asking the question what does it mean for me to be broken? And how does that relate to PTSD

In my experience I lived under the constant stress of bullying. It seemed that everyday, and in every place at school I was subjected to unwarrented attacks on my well-being so that this stress, this pressure finally became to heavy for my emotions, perhaps my ego, the part of me that allowed me to be me, and it ruptured. I remember that moment like it was yesterday; the moment I became broken. I think that is at that moment I developed PTSD.

To be broken, for me, is to be damaged emotionally to the point it effects who you are.

I am just spectulating here, but I think at that moment when my spirit broke, my psyche became damaged that my brain designed a short-cut that would allow me to get right from the insult to the deep emotional response, or the emotional flashback. I tdon't know, but this I do know- I want it to stop.

Today I went to church. They had asked me to fill in on the drums. I did not know about it until the weekly practice had been held, so other than a quick run through this morning; I had never played these songs with the worship team. Some of the songs I had never heard, much less played. Normally this does not bother me, but today it caused so much stress all I wanted to do was come home and get under my comforter. This is so not me. I have already decided that I am going to put off playing the drums until I have had a chance to heal from the latest fiasco my co-workers have put on me.


Sorry, again I am rambling, but this segment has been written in bits and pieces over the last several hours.

 

[CVC]

Here is what I try to think about sometimes when I feel broken: Those of us with PTSD, are we "broken," or are we simply skilled at surviving? The environment that shaped us was threatening, and we adjusted in the most adaptive, self-protecting ways possible. Isn't the mere existence of PTSD just a sign of the resiliency of human beings? Rather than curl up and die, we undergo deep changes that allow us to live in a dangerous world. The "disordered" part only becomes relevant when we consider that these survival mechanisms stop making sense when we get out of the danger. If we still lived in that place of danger, it wouldn't be PTSD--it would be surviving. We're awesome survivors! And when the surviving strategies start hurting more than helping, then we still have the amazing capacity to change THAT, too! It's really hard, but it doesn't mean we're broken--just battle-ready in ways that cause us to feel maladjusted.

Sorry if this is not helpful! It's just something I hang onto now and again, when feeling broken gets me down.

I hope things go well with your work colleagues. I think you're brave to say something, and I think you're doing a good thing for yourself.

 

[RussH]

I think I have figured some things out. When I was traumatized it got to the point where I finally broke. Within a couple of days of that happening I took all the ugliness and pain, and stuffed it into a cage deep within me. I decided that I would become someone others would like, and be friends with. I became very friendly, outgoing and fun loving- all the time denying the pain within me, and pushed it deeper, and deeper inside of me. In time this ugliness and pain grew and turned into this incedious monster lurking in the shadows Periodically, he gets out of his cage and take swipes at me and inflicting injury and pain. I capture him and stuff him back in the cage

During this time when I was putting this pain in the cage, and becoming this person that everyone would like, a very hurt and broken litte boy went into hiding; somewhere safe where he could not be hurt again. Somehow he knows the monster is still there. Perhaps he can hear the monster has he roars; I don't know. I just know that; until the monster is dealt with, the little boy will remain in hiding.

I think I know what I have to do; I have to let the monster out of his cage, and allow him to visit on me the full measure of his wrath. I need to experience all the pain and ugliness that I suppressed, and not stuff him back in the cage.

It seems the only way I can free the little child within that is hiding from the monster, is to free the monster. The next question I have to ask, and seek an answer to is: Is the little boy and the monster one and the same?

I do know this; releasing the monster is an incredibly frightening prospect. I know this will mean alot of pain and sorrow, but I also know it will be a theraputic pain. I guess it is time to talk with my therapist.