I'm A Good- Fill In The Blank-

[Ga5bby]

I really am. I'm a (relatively) good person. SIster, Daughter, Friend. Even when I don't want to be. I do things just because someone needs me to. WHich, is great. I love that my family feels like thy can rely on me for anything. WHat I don't love is the after effects it has on me. Or the before. Or the middle. I hate it really.
Last night my sisters got me to go to Black Friday with them, just walmart, only needed a couple of things. It will be fine right??? Not so much. Every person in town was there. ANd who knew leapsters were so popular? Not me. I did make it though the crowd to get the lst 2 though. Because my nephews needed them. Right? I'm almost to the end of my rope. I really want nothing more then too curl up and cry.
You'd think that after the overload last night. Hardly any sleep. ANd have not seen my house since yesterday morning I would have shut down today. No. I was all over the place. My emotions running wild. And if anyone dared to glance in my direction in the wrong tone, oh my goodness watch out.
This mood wasn't run by anger though> I wasn't mad. I'm just so over it all. Life.
It makes everything worse that I felt like everything about Thanksgiving was wrong. The pie the food, the jello. I just want it to be the same. It wasn't at all.
My thumb is red and puffy around my cut. Every Lymph node in my body is swollen. ANd I'm just over it.
But I will babysit tonight and help with more family stuff tomorrow. Because I'm good like that.
Humph.

 

[anni]

Your 'Humph' made me laugh a little, so hope that was ok. Honestly? I get like that also. I go so far out of my way to help others, always, that it just plain wears you out in the end. It's un-doable, also. You're right, it IS automatic-you don't do these things out of wishing pats on the back, or even acknowledgment, it's just the way some people are. I suppose in my head, as a younger person, there was an unconscious expectation that everyone else was like that, too, since the whole thing is so automatic. I've even sort of had this private little pity-party because over the years have discovered that being born 'nice' has some vast disadvantages. It's just the way one is wired, I think, and possibly genetics has a lot to do with it. My mother makes me look like Leona Helmsley ( are you too young to know who she was? ). I do not posses the ability to even sort of have some protective witchy aspect, either, so no dam armour out there! I'm not attempting some wierd, clever way to say some nice 'thing' about myself, either- I just recognized the dynamics of what you were speaking about.

You tend to not quite toughen up, but develop ways of not allowing others so much control over you. Some of them do not know they are doing it, some absolutely do, and take advantage of you. It's kind of up to us to draw the lines, really, and save energies for ourselves for when WE need them. I'm not always successful, still ,but sometimes. I'm terrible, terrible at saying flaty 'no', but have discovered an awful lot of ways to say just that without actually using what I kind of think of as a swear word.

I hope your cut heals quickly, and the babysitting tonight is for children who are GOOD.

Take care,

Anni