I'm a psycho gf

[EveHarrington]

They're movies. Made by actors. Who not only know their limits - but enjoy their work - and would very quickly fire & sue people actually assaulting, or even harassing, others on scene.

Please educate yourself as to the realities of porn. You’re so far from reality that it isn’t even funny.

The “sex positivity” movement is bullshit that harms women in the end.

 

[Ronin]

Cut off your drama, @EveHarrington.

Your puritanistic nonsense doesn't lack of my education make.

And also does zip nada nothing to help the OP with either her PTSD issue, or PTSD influenced relationship anxieties.

If you cared for women you'd be minding the one who needs help right here.

 

[joeylittle]

Keep the thread on the OP, thanks.

 

[Ohmygosh]

I was on this site that night, and I got overwhelmed. I read a CARAZY story from a gal. It made my mind explode.
I think with that very difficult post... I had to withdraw. To many compulsions in BAD-GOOD-HELP-SCORN-RUN-NEVER SPEAK MY MIND BECAUSE WHAT DO I KNOW.-I DON'T KNOW THAT BUT I KNOW MANIPULATION-EFFECTS_ABUSERS...???

I think I drank and wrote a half a-book to this person... and deleted it. Was not sure I belonged or could be on this website.

PTSDisaster... thanks for writing back. You inspired ME to write back!

Brain things that are mind-f's big or small. The all have an apparent similar effect. They leave confusion. But in that other story that I read, the girl said she was not confused by her impulses. She was okay with them. She was having abuse - reabuse - things going on. She was not feeling sad about it.

I'm a mess right now with trust too. But, if you're walking through life... if you are young like I was (now I'm 39), I would say to my younger-dating self, that people are very selfish. Look out for THAT. Look out if you feel safe.
But be probably away from your dad. I can't see how he is keeping you to be stable.

PLUS... IF YOUR BOYFRIEND OR OTHER PEOPLE SEE WEAKNESS... IT's LIKE A F-ing RADAR for future bad treatment.
HIDE SOME OF IT. So you can walk and live again like times when you were less vulnerable. ACT a BADASS and you ARE!

Walk in those shoes. Let (Myself - this is a reminder to myself, thanks for letting me journal).

The men and women - people in my life - look to me for how they can determine how to trust ME. If you have people in your life who are making you hurt... be okay with your gut. You don't have to make them happy to survive - eventually. Ones you know. It's your job to remove them. (AGAIN -Self journaling here).

It's my job too. and that can be hard. But might need to happen if it makes sense.

A lot of men are also not sure what way is UP, just like a lot of women, but men don't always talk and that can be because they have their own secrets. Not all of their secrets are gong to be "bad men" secrets. It can be that they have learned self-preservation, or maybe they are looking toward the future and ambition is not bad. BUT - it can also be that they have their own expressionsions needing care...you will find it going down the toilet if you are both … I don't know. An example of a good guy I dated was a PTSD Vet from Iraq. He looked Like Superman. Love at first sight! But I knew we were a mess together. I told him. Two drunks don't make for a good thing. It was actually one of my more normal relationships. He respected me. But... maybe because I was working hard and respected MYSELF then.

It seems to be a recrurring thing. Men - even weird ones - seem to be like ONLY able to be able to see this part of me. Sorry guys. That's what happened.

- here's what I missed. The cues. I mean I saw them, I just didn't think it was true at the time.
Phsyco I dated: He made me feel really bad for not loving ONLY him before it was normal. (I saw it and told my friend, but he GOT me anyways. Bated)
Family Narcissist: What? Are you a victim? I asked him to care.. he made me feel okay for a minute when I hurt.. but too busy.
Paramedic I dated: Selfish. I was working my ass off and he was never impressed. Wanted me to pay half his rent. (no, girl, I did not pay his mortgage)

If they are too impressed or too little impressed... that's a mess. Make a bubble for Yourself for being a badass in some way. Buy yourself some time to figure out if they are assholes. They're doing that to you. Promise.

It's difficult to trust when you've been hurt. But looking at a guy looking at porn is very normal.

That paramedic guy had a friend who came over and showed him Family porn, and my boyfriend showed me - in openness... and he was a less-feeling person, and he didn't think much of it. That's why he showed me... like look at this site that he just showed me. This was before so much porn.. he was just being open, in retrospect, probably hoping I would be like "that guy is a dick."

MY MISTAKE: I got sick and said, "That's not cool."

Here's the problem. A good man will be able to be consistent. Be able to communicate to you. AND IT MUST NEVER put pressure on you. I guess I'm journaling here.

Hope it helps from an older chick.

 

[Ohmygosh]

Do you talk to this boyfriend about the future? Kids? What your dreams are?
It sounds like you are firing-off-flags and having him help your dad at the house.
Might be too much for you...
A guy looking at porn... that's as diverse as are our struggles. Some guys will stop doing that for you. But you have to be good and not fight and snoop. Be proud and trustworthy inside of yourself.

I didn't read the other posts. I would trip.

 

[PTSDisaster]

Do you talk to this boyfriend about the future? Kids? What your dreams are?
It sounds like you are firing-off-flags and having him help your dad at the house.
Might be too much for you...
A guy looking at porn... that's as diverse as are our struggles. Some guys will stop doing that for you. But you have to be good and not fight and snoop. Be proud and trustworthy inside of yourself.

I didn't read the other posts. I would trip.

First of all, I'm glad I inspired you in some way to write back and start journaling! And thank you for your reply:)

My bf and I are planning on renting a house together. We sort of live together already but not officially. I'm still in a studio because I'm a student here, but he is never in his own appartment, he's always at my place. But we talk about our future a lot, he really wants to be with me and spend his life with me. But somehow it's so hard to realize/believe that what he's saying is true.

 

[Ohmygosh]

I went back and read your original comment. It reminded me of a poem I wrote at 14 years old. I clearly took the whole world on my own shoulders back then. I am not a psychopath... but this is what I wrote. (drama queen. I know. But this was private and I could let it out and let it go) as a child. These self-deprecating and sinister things, I don't recognize as part of me.

I think it was a child who fought the long battle against a bad man for 4 years and gave up and started to believe that she was...
But, ironically... I was also very interested in the arts. Fine arts. What is happening in this poem is me being trapped at home and giving up... and getting the circular thoughts... but me studying VERY hard to learn words and thoughts and grammar - BEFORE the internet (in the 80's - 90's). I used a dictionary and school books to write! (don't ask me anymore. blah).

People all have parts to them. Just stay away from ones who hurt you and love yourself even if you got all re-arranged somehow like I did.


Title: PSYCHOPATHIC DESPERATION DEPRESSION
I have tunnel vision * I see in a tunnel that leads
in a circle * The tunnel walls are always blue and
my thoughts are never new * It's a lonely place I'm
stuck in where death's icy breath frightens me sessile.

Evil creeps in when I get bored * I want to
ponder what's come about * I want to look at you with
holy discernment * but holiness ran out * you can
read about all the injustices in my Sunday paper *
Just look in good intentions sections *
It's sub-titled drought

I don't want to lecture and bore you. I want you to know it's okay for you to make choices and be reserved and it's okay for you to step - out. You only can work with the information that is inside of you, at this moment... and it's going to be great! Do move, find girlfriends and see if they want to move instead so you can have that experience.

Whatever you do, you will roll with. And it will be you NOT making circular thoughts, because it will be new and changes! RUSH, DON'T RUSH.... you're call. Enjoy this par of your life.