I'm dating a much older man: it seems like a really decent relationship but i don't expect to last

[foreveralone2099]

maybe i see things differently, but i accept love where i find it. when it becomes jealous or obsessive then i back away but if someone cares for me, who i truly am, and not who they imagine me to be, i'll keep them in my life, despite their imperfections. despite everything, this is a fairly decent, healthy relationship. i appreciate your help in pointing out the issues however -- i posted here explicitly because i know i don't know everything.

 

[Still Standing]

Love and lust are two different things. You are expending so much energy in not hearing a word said, in good faith, for you, that you may have to experience the hurt and angst in an unhealthy relationship...again. IF you think what you are doing is ideal and healthy, then so be it. I wish the best for you.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I’ve read so many post of so many different opinions. I guess this has hit home for me. My ex partner who suffers from PTSD and I have a 16 year difference between us and I also was his boss for a while as I hired him for employment. We were very professional and no one was wise to our union.
I found out that he was the one hiding secrets and lying about major things like his ex who happened to reach out to find me on social media. Based on his manic behavior, I didn’t believe a lot of what he had to say either. My ex broke up with me initially in August and finalized our friendship in November. I haven’t heard from him since November and that has destroyed me.
I now understand that ptsd or not, if a person is no good, then they’re just no good. I’m now trying to still be supportive by understanding that certain behaviors for sufferers could be caused by symptoms, but those same behaviors with a non-sufferer is just character flaw.

 

[foreveralone2099]

^I'm sorry but that's too black and white. i appreciate your interest and concern on this matter however.

^this was meant to be addressed to Still Standing
just wanted to clear that up, thanks

 

[Deleted member 44240]

My point being, I found out that I was cheated on by his ex, with his ex. As my mother used to say,”what’s done in the dark, will soon come to light”. I’m not an advocate of what you’re doing because it’s still hurting her. Believe it or not, she’s gonna find out at some point.

He’s enjoying the both of you at the same time which should make you feel used; because believe it or not, he’s definitely not just being roommates with her.

Believe me, I want you to have a real relationship with someone worthy of you and not just giving you hope that doesn’t show promise. I really had and still have hope that one day my ex will bring himself to wake up and figure it out that we should be together.

 

[Gs172003]

Did you come here for answers or validation @foreveralone2099 ?

 

[shimmerz]

There are a couple of issues here that the light could be shone on.
1. He is deceptive. And that isn't his live-in's fault. It is his.
2. He is a coward. He is not telling her the truth.
3. He is deceptive enough that he is pretending that he is a good guy. And you are buying it.
4. I have learned to recognize what a 'good guy' is. I look for how they treat others -- not me. Especially when sex is involved. It's easy to treat a new sex partner as if they were the only person on earth who mattered to them.

There is more.... I won't bore you.

So the above list, with a guy with these types of characteristics will keep you around probably about the same length of time that he kept her around. And that is when this will all become clear because you will be the one lying in bed waiting for him to come home and you will be thinking to yourself....

1. He is deceptive. And that isn't his girlfriend's fault. It is mine because I KNEW he did this to someone else.
2. He is a coward. He is not telling me the truth. And I am shocked why?
3. He is deceptive enough that he is pretending that he is a good guy. And I used to buy that.
4. What happened to that 'good guy' I loved? He's f*cking someone else tonight. And lying to me about it. Prick.

Some people just really need to feel being on the receiving end of a situation before they can possibly understand the pain they most likely are inflicting on someone else. That's a tough way to learn.

My aunt, years ago, waiting around for a married man she was having an affair with. When I say waited around I mean for over 3 decades. His wife eventually died. Know what he did? Ditched my aunt (she was then in her 60's) and hooked up with a 30 year old.

That's the kind of guy this guy is. They talk girlfriends into thinking they are different. They aren't.

 

[Gs172003]

nope, he was entirely clear with me going into it. it would be a casual encounter and would n...

Rereading this....

You really believe that he's not asking her to leave because she's too dependent on him yet he's sleeping with you?
Hmmmm.

Somehow I doubt it. I'd lay bets he has no intention of leaving her, is playing you for a fool and using the "but she can't leave" as an excuse. Doesn't make either one of you ok for doing it either.

 

[Gs172003]

There are a couple of issues here that the light could be shone on.
1. He is deceptive. And that is...

Bingo.

 

[Deleted member 45299]

@ everyone EXCEPT foreveralone2099

This will be my first and certainly my last and only post on this forum.

NONE of you except the OP has even met the person you are talking about (the male) and almost certainly have also not met the OP and yet you all give text-book and home-baked-half-baked opinions as if you knew them both intimately. Not a single post says a word that is supportive of the OP in any way. Apparently you all feel you know so much about psychology and human dynamics to freely and confidently express your own insular and damaging opinions about both the OP and the person she is seeing.

What if . . . try that approach to trying to fully understand a human issue instead of thinking you know all the parameters and all the correct answers, which you don't.

To foreveralone2099: I am male, I am old, I was a professional person, I had and still have PTSD. That said, share all you can with another whilst you can for you never know when a person's life, including your own, may come to an untimely and wholly unanticipated end. Give and take as you wish from the relationship whilst it works for you. When (and if) it no longer works for you then leave it. Until then enjoy life as it is given to you, and truly, you do seem to be enjoying your life to greater extent with this man in it. Good for you and good for him.

What if . . . his wife (or whatever) suffers from dementia . . .

Nobody ever knows the full story but everyone always seems to know the full answer. Anonymity provides a wonderful barrier from which to launch opinions and it is certainly well used on every internet forum where it does seem that everyone knows everything. To posters other than the OP - exactly why are you here? Presumably you too have issues which remain unresolved; not the best position from which to pass your own opinions on to others. So let me add, all of the above is my own humble opinion. Now, what is your excuse for being so negative :)

 

[Gs172003]

@ everyone EXCEPT foreveralone2099

This will be my first and certainly my last and only post on this f...

Oh please. To say "it's perfectly acceptable to cheat on whoever because it works for you and so and so has issues" and expect a group of people to accept that is BS. It has nothing to do with psychology it has to do with right and wrong which apparently neither of you apparently can see.

 

[wishball0000]

He isn't a mentor her is a predator.