I'm Embarrassed To Even Ask This

[Sammyiam]

Hi everyone,

I even feel stupid asking this and very self conscious but here goes.....

Can anyone please tell me if you have ever felt like this, sometimes when I am starting to feel a bit better I get really scared and full of fear that something bad is going to happen to me because I shouldn't be feeling ok and that because I am feeling ok, that I am going to get really sick and die because I was feeling ok.

I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense I just don't know how to write what I feel.

Thank you for any help

Sammy

 

[hodge]

I have felt this way, too, Sammy. It's a mind game your mind plays on you. Try not to pay it any heed.

 

[Sammyiam]

Thanks Hodge,
I don't think I'm to good with mind games, I seem to be losing

 

[hodge]

Oh, dear, have you ever discussed this with your therapist? I think it could be a really useful discussion. I haven't just because other stuff has always come first. Otherwise I would tell what I would have learned. I do really think, though, this it's part and parcel of PTSD to be scared of feeling better, like, when is the other shoe going to drop? But we have to try to get beyond that and see that that shoe is not necessarily going to drop, especially if we have made our lives better since abuse.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I can definitely relate to that..I fear happiness because of it. Things can only go so well for me for so long and then I get paranoid because I'm just waiting for something terrible to happen. Definitely a talking point for you and your therapist.. Good Luck!

 

[Friday]

Yep. That one, and guilt. That there is no way I deserve to be feeling better, so down the guilt & shame abyss we go!

 

[Sammyiam]

Yep @FridayJones, know how that feels.

 

[Chava]

Yes. All the time. I don't feel okay because my guard goes down. I'm really working on this...integrating good experiences, letting myself feel "okay" NOT "good"....I love that my current therapist understands that good feelings are foreign and hard for me to manage...so in small bits I appreciate them and try not to worry about when they will end. A former therapist was pushing me to get out and have more "fun" (I think she was quite extroverted and she was not a trauma specialist, just did a little EMDR). For me, tolerating "okay" is very, very good. Try not to think beyond the present moment. Enjoy it for what it is. Integrate it into your being.....

(I say that because I'm noticing I do not internalize or integrate positive experiences well, only negative ones....I'm deeply wired that way...but knowing this, I am consciously working towards appreciateing some good experiences.....mild, like taking care of the flowers.... and not tipping to far in any direction, but appreciating the fleeing balanced point of "okay"....takes tolerance and self-compassion. Best wishes to you....@sammyiam

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had one of my therapists tell me that good things are as scary as bad things. I feel so happy but i have this lingering sinking feeling that something bad is going to happen.

I believe it is because I have not had that many experiences of being happy and more crises and drama in my life. Years and years of it.

But I am going to try to just enjoy feeling happy the best I can.