I'm forgetting again and it's freaking me out

[TTC18]

I don't know the right place to post this - am just trying to get it out while I can still think.
I forget. I forget everything, always. When a crisis hits, I remember EVEYRTHING. And then I forget again.
When someone's slapping me in the face I remember every single time they slapped me in the face
Then they say they're sorry and I forgive them and - what? They never laid a hand on me, what are you talking about?
I didn't tell people about abuse during relationships or marriages because - I knew I'd deny it later.
I have a stalker. He has been abusive physically and sexually, threatened my life and my kids. But I haven't had a threat in 2 months and I'm forgetting. When I forget - I act like everything's fine and normal. And that's how he finds me. Usually I move during this time-frame. He finds me, I freak out, and then move away and then forget and start my new life. Same as the old life. Just a different location. Then he finds me and I freak out and I move away and forget and start again. For 20 years this has been happening. I didn't move this time. Couldn't move. But I'm forgetting anyway. He knows where I am. And I'm forgetting. I have tried writing myself letters before - while I was actually married to him. I just read the letter, remembered and then tucked it away to forget again.
Ever see the Neverending Story? It's like that. The Nothing. It's Coming. It wipes out everything so there's only a fragment here and there - and then I rebuild it all over again. But without the Warg. Except there's always a Warg, I just don't know it - and then, here comes the Nothing again, and out jumps the Warg and Fantasia is destroyed - except for the tiny grain of sand, and then I rebuild it again.

One would think that simply being aware of this cycle would help me break it. But no, that's not the case. Instead, I'm watching Fantasia breaking into pieces bit by bit. It's OK, it won't be long before I imagine it all back into place, but without the bad parts.
But I don't WANT to imagine it all back into place.
This is a cry for help. Any Bastians out there with ideas for how to stop the destruction, I'd appreciate it.

 

[TTC18]

I just wrote an email to my psych doc asking her to forward it to my new T who I don't have email for, telling her that I may come in saying I'm fine, and I can feel the forgetting starting and if I come in saying I'm fine please don't believe me.
Why was that so hard to write. I am literally crying right now.

 

[Changing4Best]

I am proud of you that you write it! DON'T FORGET!

 

[TTC18]

I feel stupid now -just making a big deal over nothing.

 

[Teasel]

I understand it must feel very vulnerable writing about this here, I'm sorry you feel stupid I know I don't think you are making a big deal over nothing.

What you describe sounds very upsetting a frustrating and frightening.

I relate to going into forgetful 'everything is fine' kinds of states.

Just wanted to say I relate. Sounds like a good idea getting your pdoc to send that message to your new T. Do you have to wait long till you see them?

 

[scout86]

I do something similar, but with more mundane things. There may be a physical reason. There's a connection between the amygdala, the hippocampus, and storing long term memories. (The details of which I don't remember. LOL)

In your case, the big thing seems to be making sure you're safe anyway. (At least as safe as anyof us can be.) I handle that by establishing a routine that's hard to forget. My keys are always in the same place (almost). If there's something I need to do once a month, I set up the environment so there's a reminder I can't miss, etc.

In your case, your stalker isn't kept at bay JUST because he's on your mind. That's a form of magical thinking. If he's not actually around, forgetting might even be considered a GOOD thing. But, if there are things you really need to remember, you might consider some sort of external clues to help with that.

If your interested, there's a fair amount of info online about how the various parts of the brain work to store memories (or not). It's an area they're doing a lot of work on these days, so thoughts on it are evolving. I wouldn't expect a definitive answer, but there are some interesting ideas there.

 

[Abstract]

It may well be for different reasons but I do this too. It has often looked like poor boundaries but in truth its more about avoidance or something. For me one of the main ways I seemed to cope is denial or sectioning off reality in any way possible. I'm talking extreme here. I've described it as dysfunctional positivity before. Dissociation, re-interrupting reality, denial of reality, distraction and focusing on what is going right/ what the person is doing right / what is right about the situation. etc etc. It was really extreme in the past. I literally would not "remember" minutes after someone had harmed me. It was very hard to manage my life and my relationships and no wonder. Another reason why I found therapy so impossible once I realised I did this. I would literally have situations where someone would be physically inappropriate with me and minutes after behave and believe that nothing had happened. Would be hit by a mass of unexplained emotions that I did not know how to identify or know how to connect to anything in the evening after the numb wore off a bit. My life was a scrambled, dissociated spaghetti mess with no connection to my self, my environment, reality or relationships. This while managing to be seemingly outwardly functional for periods of time. I now have to drag myself back to reality all the time but am so far away from this now.

Realise different stuff might be the case for you. Do you know the mechanisms that are getting you to "forget"? Are you over focusing on others, self doubting your experience, over empathising with others and under empathising with yourself? Or are you blocking out what you don't want to deal with, doing an ostrich, sinking into dissociation etc? Other stuff maybe? Thanks for sharing. I feel pretty out there with my stuff so any common ground in this area is comforting in a weird way. Its hard to put into words.

 

[InsertCoinsHere]

My trauma therapist stated that often people with trauma will forget e.g. journal something important and then days later look through the journal and find what was written but had totally forgotten they wrote it. It’s a common form of dissociation, try not to feel bad about it. There’s also other psychological reasons why we repeat the same processes or forget. Often it’s the case the abuse we endured was so bad we had no other option but to dissociate or deny in order to survive.

I can suggest writing a timeline of key important moments in your life, then add in important key moments to the timeline every time you remember. Place this timeline somewhere you will view it everyday. Over time you will remember your story greater and greater.