Im I a bad friend for speaking up for her 3 year old?

[knert]

So im really bad in friendships and im left to like 1,5 friend. I feel I might push my last friend away by being to confrontational. And it makes me wonder if the frienship is healthy and or if Im un healthy due to triggers from Emdr and a bit to much out of context...

Situation:
The day before I had emdr trying to speak up for my inner kid and after that Ive been reading about scapegoats. Next day, I finally had a video call with my friend, a promise that wasnt kept for a while. She spoke 20 minutes about how bad her kid behaved while he was an angel coloring in his book hearing every word...
So she then talked about some problems with builders for the kitchen and how passive agressieve she was for sending an "angry email" with no hallo OR goodbye! Like SO angry!!!
I couldnt help but wonder, if she was to affraid to express her anger to the grown ups and that she might take it out on her kid. I know its "easier"... thats why I don't have kids, untill im safe enough. So curious I asked what if she would go to the beach and scream it all out. Ow no.. she is angry sometimes at her oldest son for pushing his little brother (BIG trigger for me sibbling abuse). Ofcourse its not ok and then she told me she would put him in the hallway allone untill he calmed down. Checking all the boxes of the reading for scapegoat children by this point. She was even proud that this was so effective that threating him with it, would make him listen for 10 minutes. I misunderstood and thought she would keep him alone for 10 minutes in the hallway, he is 3. He would cry into surender, no where to go because of a fence. She didn't like it, but it was very effectieve.
I asked wheater that was fair to do so? To me it seems he misses security in his love since he has a little brother and is acting out (like mine did, with severe abuse as result) for already 3/4 of this year this is going on... so I asked what they did to support him with that. Silence and more sitting on the stairs alone storys.

It feels unfair to me by using control and punishement he still lacks his needs met...
So I kinda got irritated. But Ofcourse Im the bad guy because Im the one with no kids, so I don't know what its like. I make her out to be a bad mother... for asking if its fair to bully her kid into listening(i was really triggert by this time) and she is not so bad. Im very rude to say so and other people wouldn't tolerante me, but she did because she knows I got triggert and want the best for the kids, just like her. I ended up apoligizing, but I don't know...

I think society norms are sometimes not healthy for a kid, I would like to be free to discusses these things with a friend, because that freedom makes friendships to me... and if I ever do have kids, I would be so gratefull for this honesty! To protect them from uncouncious paterns!!!
Am I to rigid, for not fully acepting her choices? I don't feel like asking them to come over anymore, because if this comes up I worry I get so triggert I might become violent... XD like way worse than her with her kid...

Am I over reacting? Or is there something weird going on?

I also notice that when she asks me how I am, and I relpy honestly with last couple days not so good. She often replys like: aw well sun is shining... everything will have a happy ending!!! And then she promises things she doesn't do, what makes me feel worse then before.
My disney story died 2 years ago and I woke up to real life, raw but real! I have no need to downplay that, or to sparkle glitter annymore. It just is wat it is now and it will change.

 

[Friday]

Pretty much any time you question someone’s parenting?

You run the very real risk of losing them as a friend. Full stop.

Are you overreacting? Probably. Is she? Nope.

and if I ever do have kids, I would be so gratefull for this honesty!

Bullshit.

Tell me how WONDERFUL it would be to be told to f*ck off and die, I hope you die screaming, as you’re raped to death and set on fire, you evil f*cking piece of shit.

That? Is maaaaaaybe 10% of the venom, and hate, and awfulness of what any parent hears when their parenting is questioned. Much less when they’re made out to be a bad parent.

Other Parents? Know that. So they don’t come after other parents the way that nonparents think would be soooo “wonderful”. Unless? Yeah. Raped to death and set on fire, sounds reasonable. Totally commensurate.

To be fair? I know people like that. Who deserve to die. Badly.

Does she? Would you walk into her home and murder her, for the sake of her kids?

If not?

You f*cked up. In a maaaaaajor way. If you want to ever have her, or her kids, in your life… unless she’s f*cking broken, abused, and feels like she’s worth shit? You are out of her life, forever. Because you? Just crossed the f*cking Rubicon.

The only way you could have done worse? Would be to threaten her children.

You DID make her out to be a bad mother.

That is a seeeerious fawking line.

Yep. That makes you a bad friend. A toxic person who should be eliminated from her life, forever.

If you get a second chance? Be very aware of it.

 

[Movingforward10]

It sounds like her children are quite young, aged 3 and younger. And pushing another sibling at that age, is normal and not abuse. It's just children not having the cognitive development to use words when they are frustrated. Learning to share. Etc etc etc. . And putting on time out is a consequence for pushing. So it sounds like she is aware pushing is not good and intervened.
So whilst it may be parenting that you might not do, it's parenting that she is doing. And I can't see anything abusive in what you wrote about what those children arr doing and how they are being parented.
Remember, no parent is perfect. Everyone has off days. And everyone has their own styles of parenting.

It does sound like you were projecting? And you said you were triggered. When we are triggered we can't see reality but that reality is covered in our views/feelings/experiences of the past. And it messes everything and our interactions up.

I wonder if you can see things differently now you're out of it a bit?

Is it worth losing a friendship over this?

However, you say you worry YOU will become violent. And I think that is where you need to focus your energy on changing. As if they come over and YOU are violent to her, Infront of her children, then you're the risk.

 

[knert]

It sounds like her children are quite young, aged 3 and younger. And pushing another sibling at that age, is normal and not abuse. It's just children not having the cognitive development to use words when they are frustrated. Learning to share. Etc etc etc. . And putting on time out is a consequence for pushing. So it sounds like she is aware pushing is not good and intervened.
So whilst it may be parenting that you might not do, it's parenting that she is doing. And I can't see anything abusive in what you wrote about what those children arr doing and how they are being parented.
Remember, no parent is perfect. Everyone has off days. And everyone has their own styles of parenting.

It does sound like you were projecting? And you said you were triggered. When we are triggered we can't see reality but that reality is covered in our views/feelings/experiences of the past. And it messes everything and our interactions up.

I wonder if you can see things differently now you're out of it a bit?

Is it worth losing a friendship over this?

However, you say you worry YOU will become violent. And I think that is where you need to focus your energy on changing. As if they come over and YOU are violent to her, Infront of her children, then you're the risk.

Hi thank you so much for your reply, its really helpfull!

Im still triggert, though. It was really her joyfull tone talking about her distressed kid, that got to me, I think. And maybe some things that I didn't wrote above, because it was hard to translate (english is second language).
But I do question how I would approach it and it might be similar, so thats really intresting! Cause it shows Im triggert, I can't see it clear and that I am in the wrong.

I think I have a very very narrow mindset in how I relate to other people. Like extreme perfectionistic that comes out pretty toxic.
Thank you for helping and pointing it out to me. Its an affermation of a gut feeling I had for a while and atleast a glipse on what I need to work on.

I will definatly work on this in therapy and create safety for her and others and in the mean time keep low profile or ask if we can avoid certain triggering topics untill Im more grounded and safe to be aroud, if she still wants to that is. I do always ask her to speak up about things and she did, so that is good.

This time I was so triggert though I couldnt hear her annymore. So big red flag on my part + valuble information. It might be that the frienship is not really compatible causing me to act out in this way, but that isn't an excuse and I do take 100% ownership of that.

If you or anyone have any tips, to transform this critical mindset towards others and to bring the projection back to me again. I would love to hear them!

Thanks again for the feedback ^^, have a nice day.

 

[LeiaFlower]

So im really bad in friendships and im left to like 1,5 friend. I feel I might push my last friend away by being to confrontational. And it makes me wonder if the frienship is healthy and or if Im un healthy due to triggers from Emdr and a bit to much out of context...

I think this part is important in the area where you say you’re too confrontational. It’s something you noticed and agree with but not necessarily something you’re changing despite it having negative affects on your friendships. I think a saying that people say a lot, not saying this is the case with you, is “I’m just being honest. I’m blunt.” Then proceeds to say things that neither fits the timing or is said aggressively.

When I say all of this it’s not to be nitpicking but to question whether you’re thinking of both sticking up for your own inner child but also being gentle with another person’s. There’s more than ourselves in a friendship. What I mean by this is that others are going through the same inner battle that you are. I don’t know your friend to know her inner struggles but in some facet her parents screwed her up in thinking.

She spoke 20 minutes about how bad her kid behaved while he was an angel coloring in his book hearing every word...

No, I don’t agree that she should speak negatively about her child in front her child. Though you saying he’s an angel is simplifying things. Children, despite their innocence, can have the tendencies to be little shits. Work in the school system or work with kids in general and you have some knowledge of that. That isn’t to say that they, their entire beings are bad instead that they do in fact act “badly”. They push, hit, spit, scratch, scream, name call, bite, pull each other hair, bully, etc. Doesn’t make them bad kids just behaviors that needs to be readjusted to improve their overall social skills. Uncertain if your friend actually said her kid is bad or that he’s behaving badly. Sometimes we remember our past trauma in place of what actually happened.

So she then talked about some problems with builders for the kitchen and how passive agressieve she was for sending an "angry email" with no hallo OR goodbye! Like SO angry!!!

I’m uncertain what this is meant to be. I say that because it comes across as you taking her anger as being uncalled for. She has a right to be angry about something even if it seems trivial to you. It might not be to her. It probably isn’t about the builders in the kitchen but about everything else adding up. And if she engages in passive aggressive behaviors then she might not feel comfortable displaying her anger because of negative reactions in her past. I mean you stated even in the next sentence of suspecting her being afraid to express her anger though you snowplowed through that and brought up her relationship with her kid.

she is angry sometimes at her oldest son for pushing his little brother. . .she would put him in the hallway alone until he calmed down. She was even proud that this was so effective that threatening him with it, would make him listen for 10 minutes.

I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be proud or not have a positive emotion for learning that she could possibly have some form of effective parenting, despite it being misinterpreted. I’m not parent, I should disclose that. Though from the parenting videos I have seen and what my job entails, having a child experiencing heavy emotions sit somewhere else to calm down is gentle parenting. Though instead of a hallway it should be a designated room free of reinforcements where they can process their emotions. This teaches a child to take a breather when they’re feeling triggered. Then the parent can come back when they’ve calmed down and have a conversation with them about what big emotions they were feeling. I’m unsure if your friend was trying to do this technique that’s actually implemented by tv personal Nanny Jo from Super Nanny, or if she stumbled across it as being effective through trial and error. Regardless the time out of sorts should never go past how old he is, due to children’s concept of time.

It feels unfair to me by using control and punishement he still lacks his needs met...
So I kinda got irritated. But Ofcourse Im the bad guy because Im the one with no kids, so I don't know what its like. I make her out to be a bad mother... for asking if its fair to bully her kid into listening(i was really triggert by this time) and she is not so bad. Im very rude to say so and other people wouldn't tolerante me, but she did because she knows I got triggert and want the best for the kids, just like her. I ended up apoligizing, but I don't know...

Yeah, honestly we’re both outsiders looking in on regards to parenting. I do not agree with the majority of what Friday said or how they said it. Yes, things are different when you’re not a parent though the same equivalence can be said in any situation. You can still have an opinion on something. In some cultures, it’s cultural to force feed a child to gain weight for beauty and then it’s the young age of consent in other cultures. Just because we’re in a different culture it does not make abuse excusable. Similarly, it was the neighbors without kids who helped get children from abusive households and help children finally get their rights from their parents. If you’re interested read on the case about the child who has to be classified as an animal because children did not have rights at the time. What I’m saying by all of this is not that your friend is in any way was being abusive, because she wasn’t despite how you interpreted, but that you do get to have an opinion especially being on the outside. Though whether it’s beneficial to voice that opinion is up in the air so to speak.

I don't feel like asking them to come over anymore, because if this comes up I worry I get so triggert I might become violent... XD like way worse than her with her kid...

XD is usually slang for the laughing emoticon I’m not sure if that’s what you meant but I thought it was kind of odd. Also, from what you did write she was no where violent with her kid. You might be pulling from your past with other relationships and putting it on your friend. MovingForward said it perfectly.

Am I over reacting? Or is there something weird going on?

Maybe to both. How you feel is not an overreaction; however, how you act on your feelings could be. Being rude and abrasive is not how you get someone to understand your point of view and you’ll just shut them out. Your therapist might’ve mentioned the three communication styles but a lot of people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. Being aggressive is not healthy and will eventually damage your relationship with your friend especially if she is the last person who puts up with it.

I also notice that when she asks me how I am, and I relpy honestly with last couple days not so good. She often replys like: aw well sun is shining... everything will have a happy ending!!! And then she promises things she doesn't do, what makes me feel worse than before.

Have you brought to her how you want to be comforted in these situations?

 

[LeiaFlower]

Pretty much any time you question someone’s parenting?

You run the very real risk of losing them as a friend. Full stop.

That’s kind of disheartening that others will rather lose a friend because of something that could be constructive criticism.

Bullshit.

We have no way of knowing how the OP would react to certain things. They did mention being a perfectionist and at times perfectionist do enjoy constructive criticism though some get triggered by it. It all depends on a person’s background. So to call “bullshit” without knowing the OP is doing the same thing you call them out for, assuming.

Tell me how WONDERFUL it would be to be told to f*ck off and die, I hope you die screaming, as you’re raped to death and set on fire, you evil f*cking piece of shit.

That? Is maaaaaaybe 10% of the venom, and hate, and awfulness of what any parent hears when their parenting is questioned. Much less when they’re made out to be a bad parent.

I think this post might’ve being a trigger because on the outside looking in this all comes across as what an inner critic, our personal negative monologue, would tell us not necessarily what someone else would say. I mean you stated yourself that’s what the parent “hears” not what is actually said. If a parent is given constructive criticism and they hear all of this then that’s something the parents needs to work on not the other person. Because they could be limiting themselves in growing not only as person but as a parent.

Other Parents? Know that. So they don’t come after other parents the way that nonparents think would be soooo “wonderful”.

Like I said in my original post to the OP, being a non parent shouldn’t exclude you for having an opinion on something. Of course as MovingForward brought out some days are hard for a parent even the “Good” parents slip up and scream at their kid. You’re not a bad parent for screaming at your kid that one time; however, it does become abusive when it’s a continuous cycle of screaming at your kid.

I think do to this being a personal subject to you, you forgot to actually take into consideration the OP. And later became aggressive. . .

You f*cked up. In a maaaaaajor way. If you want to ever have her, or her kids, in your life… unless she’s f*cking broken, abused, and feels like she’s worth shit? You are out of her life, forever. Because you? Just crossed the f*cking Rubicon.

The only way you could have done worse? Would be to threaten her children.

You DID make her out to be a bad mother.

That is a seeeerious fawking line.

Yep. That makes you a bad friend. A toxic person who should be eliminated from her life, forever.

If you get a second chance? Be very aware of it.

All of this what I’m referring to by aggressive. You scold the OP for making the friend feel like a bad parent but explicitly state that the OP is a bad friend. It falls into the statement I made earlier about classifying someone as “bad” instead of their actions. I don’t even know where to start in regards to all of the last part. But as Movingforward stated, we at times can have blinders on when we’re triggered maybe that’s the case with you because you responded the same way the OP responded to their friend when they were triggered.

 

[arfie]

Am I to rigid, for not fully acepting her choices? I don't feel like asking them to come over anymore, because if this comes up I worry I get so triggert I might become violent... XD like way worse than her with her kid...

the choices of other people are not mine to accept or reject. letting them become the focus of my own ptsd psychosis is a guaranteed ticket to lala land. who am i to judge?

as for my own acceptance in the honor of their trust in sharing their troubles with me, i use the mantra, "ears open, mouth shut." i shoot offer a friendly ear more than yet another set of expert opinions. thanks to the internet, expert opinions are easier than ever to find. not so much a friend who cares enough to listen.

 

[knert]

"ears open, mouth shut." i shoot offer a friendly ear more than yet another set of expert opinions. thanks to the internet, expert opinions are easier than ever to find. not so much a friend who cares enough to listen.

What a wonderfull advice and so true! I definatly will make this a practise! Thank you for sharing.

 

[arfie]

thank you, knert. when i am using that mantra, i feel a need to say enough to show that i am listening. a platitude i find myself growing comfortable with for those sweet nothings is, "hey, my job is not to understand you. my job is to just care until you understand yourself."

 

[Movingforward10]

Im still triggert, though. It was really her joyfull tone talking about her distressed kid,

maybe becuase you were triggered it sounded joyful to you and you were seeing it as something other than what it was. i.e you were seeing it as her thinking this was enjoyable. rather than maybe her trying to make light of something that was stressing her out, and expressing it in a way to make herself feel better etc. whole host of reasons. but another example of when we're triggered, we see it through our trauma lens rather than having space to think about the other person's situation.

I think I have a very very narrow mindset in how I relate to other people. Like extreme perfectionistic that comes out pretty toxic

being aware of this is really good, as you can then build in ways to change. you can remember 'ah, maybe i'm expecting perfection here and i can allow for the imperfection'.

This time I was so triggert though I couldnt hear her annymore. So big red flag on my part + valuble information. It might be that the frienship is not really compatible causing me to act out in this way, but that isn't an excuse and I do take 100% ownership of that.

i suppose it's how you learn to handle your triggers. Thought stopping works a lot with me. Being able to be in a 'dual' mindset helps too, i.e. half of me being triggered, but the other half being in reality and letting that part guide the triggered part (and not the other way round!).

 

[knert]

I think this part is important in the area where you say you’re too confrontational. It’s something you noticed and agree with but not necessarily something you’re changing despite it having negative affects on your friendships. I think a saying that people say a lot, not saying this is the case with you, is “I’m just being honest. I’m blunt.” Then proceeds to say things that neither fits the timing or is said aggressively.

When I say all of this it’s not to be nitpicking but to question whether you’re thinking of both sticking up for your own inner child but also being gentle with another person’s. There’s more than ourselves in a friendship. What I mean by this is that others are going through the same inner battle that you are. I don’t know your friend to know her inner struggles but in some facet her parents screwed her up in thinking.

No, I don’t agree that she should speak negatively about her child in front her child. Though you saying he’s an angel is simplifying things. Children, despite their innocence, can have the tendencies to be little shits. Work in the school system or work with kids in general and you have some knowledge of that. That isn’t to say that they, their entire beings are bad instead that they do in fact act “badly”. They push, hit, spit, scratch, scream, name call, bite, pull each other hair, bully, etc. Doesn’t make them bad kids just behaviors that needs to be readjusted to improve their overall social skills. Uncertain if your friend actually said her kid is bad or that he’s behaving badly. Sometimes we remember our past trauma in place of what actually happened.

I’m uncertain what this is meant to be. I say that because it comes across as you taking her anger as being uncalled for. She has a right to be angry about something even if it seems trivial to you. It might not be to her. It probably isn’t about the builders in the kitchen but about everything else adding up. And if she engages in passive aggressive behaviors then she might not feel comfortable displaying her anger because of negative reactions in her past. I mean you stated even in the next sentence of suspecting her being afraid to express her anger though you snowplowed through that and brought up her relationship with her kid.

I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be proud or not have a positive emotion for learning that she could possibly have some form of effective parenting, despite it being misinterpreted. I’m not parent, I should disclose that. Though from the parenting videos I have seen and what my job entails, having a child experiencing heavy emotions sit somewhere else to calm down is gentle parenting. Though instead of a hallway it should be a designated room free of reinforcements where they can process their emotions. This teaches a child to take a breather when they’re feeling triggered. Then the parent can come back when they’ve calmed down and have a conversation with them about what big emotions they were feeling. I’m unsure if your friend was trying to do this technique that’s actually implemented by tv personal Nanny Jo from Super Nanny, or if she stumbled across it as being effective through trial and error. Regardless the time out of sorts should never go past how old he is, due to children’s concept of time.

Yeah, honestly we’re both outsiders looking in on regards to parenting. I do not agree with the majority of what Friday said or how they said it. Yes, things are different when you’re not a parent though the same equivalence can be said in any situation. You can still have an opinion on something. In some cultures, it’s cultural to force feed a child to gain weight for beauty and then it’s the young age of consent in other cultures. Just because we’re in a different culture it does not make abuse excusable. Similarly, it was the neighbors without kids who helped get children from abusive households and help children finally get their rights from their parents. If you’re interested read on the case about the child who has to be classified as an animal because children did not have rights at the time. What I’m saying by all of this is not that your friend is in any way was being abusive, because she wasn’t despite how you interpreted, but that you do get to have an opinion especially being on the outside. Though whether it’s beneficial to voice that opinion is up in the air so to speak.

XD is usually slang for the laughing emoticon I’m not sure if that’s what you meant but I thought it was kind of odd. Also, from what you did write she was no where violent with her kid. You might be pulling from your past with other relationships and putting it on your friend. MovingForward said it perfectly.

Maybe to both. How you feel is not an overreaction; however, how you act on your feelings could be. Being rude and abrasive is not how you get someone to understand your point of view and you’ll just shut them out. Your therapist might’ve mentioned the three communication styles but a lot of people confuse being assertive with being aggressive. Being aggressive is not healthy and will eventually damage your relationship with your friend especially if she is the last person who puts up with it.

Have you brought to her how you want to be comforted in these situations?

Thank you for adressing the other comment with tact.

Thank you so much for sharing your keen insides! Very educational, although at times a bit uncorforteble, spot on!

Me saying, being confrontational is maybe more strong reactivity in hindside. I do have adhd and I used to blurr out everything very direct with 0 cotrol, it took me years to balance it and I was at a very good point using even non violent communication and very calm and considered of others. Now since I started Emdr 2 months ago, it feels like am fully back to 0 impulse control and no room/ eye for the other person and I was taken aback by the drastic change within in me. Not really putting 2 and 2 together as a side affect of the emdr. Wrighting here it makes way more sence, now. Reactivity with anger (that is new to me to express and my body is dying to get it out) missplaced is ofcourse not benifitial to the relationship! And I'll definatly make better expressions more availbe in apropriate places and keep it in in awerenes from now on+ lots of therapy. But I don't consider myself as someone to normalize/ justify this behaviour although I apriciate you mentioning it.

About the part where kids can be harsh/ real trouble/ difficult, I do feel a bit mis understood. But to be fair, I probably didn't explain it very well and/ or left important information out due to language barier.
A bit of what you mentioned about kids in theire development stage was mentioned, yet the otherway around.

the 20 minutes she was complaining about his bad behaviour, she was talking about his potty training gone wrong, when he has to poo. 2 weeks he was doing really good and then he had a relapse. He is really scared of his own poo, so its a big deal to him. And he sits right there next to the entire conversation.
So I mentioned: that although it must be very frustrating for her because she was really proud of the fact he had done 2 weeks really well and it was inconviant for them to do extra laundry, it kinda made sence to me because of all the stress and strangers in the household because of the kichen make over. Since she often makes remarks how senitive he is, it didn't surprise me it would affect him in a way. Well no, that was not taken into in consideration, he should be potty trained and behave better.
Im like, but he is a kid, they can't control theire body like we do. Well yeah she knows that and tries not to get angry at him for it. But she visably was very dissapointed and you could here it in her voice. So a sensitive kid as him would definatly be affected by that.

Then he acts out on his younger brother by pushing and he gets punished.
(To me a response to her behaviour and an cry for affection and aproval. The behaviour of pushing is not ok, but the needs below that get ignored and punished atleast thats how this often gets internalized by the kid)

Ecpecially when she says when he is alone with her he listens very well. Doesn't mean she is a bad parent. I just feel the situation is way more nuanced than the black white thinking of he does or doesn't do what she wants, considering his behaviour being "bad" or "good".

But expressing that hits a brick wall, I should shut up and smile and compliment her for being a good parent.
...Im NOT good with that.

At the same time I hit my own brink wall and black and white thinking:
We both grew up in a narcistic household. She has gone to therapy once and that didn't work for her I am on the other end of that and at times like these I find it hard to except that.
Though on paper nothing "wrong" happend I do see a repetition of what she told me of her upbringing with being publicly shamed for example and not being more activly curious about meeting his need for attention. That has been going on for atleast 3/4 of this year.
He just behaves bad, is the sum of it. And to me that is wrong/ unfair.

Maybe its still my projection.
Maybe I just want to hang on to a blieve that I did just one thing right instead of messing everything up.

I do notice a patern though. I was a teaching assistent. Ive been told Im really great with kids by the teachers. I can easily read them. But I get in real trouble interacting with adults in combination to kids, I think a trauma respons that even made me stop working in education, because it was so painfull to watch. When teachers especially the older ones, that are really set in theire ways, say this is how it has to go, because they want it that way but it may harm the kid and its often just very minor changes, with big positive impact... uuuugh... it just break my heart!!! Yet Im wrong for saying something, or creating trouble...

Yet the lights in the kids eyes, for speaking up. How they came alife after even 1 look of understanding even when I wasnt aloud to act in a certain way. I will never forget that.

But going from here:

Since my compulsion to blurr out kicked in, I probably should not give any advice unless asked and figuere out why its so painfull to keep it in.

I might send her a WhatsApp (I prefer Phone, but that might be difficult for her with kids), to apollogize again and to adress that since I react like a freakin puffer fish, I really want to aknowllage it can be hard for her to cope with my behaviour and since she expressed about an other friendship that deeply affected her and how hard it was on her, she should be free to make her own choices and not stay in contact out of guilt/ obligation/ fear of leaving me friendless. Her safety, well being, happines should come first. I will work really hard on my behaviour, yet I also know it may take some time to undo my puffer fish mode and if she needs firm boundaries or a break, or no contact. She is very welcome to express her needs. I value her friendship and I hope we can laugh about this in a year. A friendship is ultimatly to enrich life not to make it more difficult...

Would that be ok to write? Or am I still toxic by writing this? I do wonder if this is like attachement stuff... saying "leave me".

Well thank you for your comment so far. I will re read it later again and see if things shift some more and see it more clear.

I truly look forward to the day I can be more nuanced like you.

 

[knert]

thank you, knert. when i am using that mantra, i feel a need to say enough to show that i am listening. a platitude i find myself growing comfortable with for those sweet nothings is, "hey, my job is not to understand you. my job is to just care until you understand yourself."

Hihi thats just pure word art! Thank you so much for sharing!

This resonates even more, since I find it very hard to understand people at times! It takes of some pressure and makes room for the other.