DID I'm in a place of uncertainity

[Reflections]

I know I have DPD since 16, through therapy and research I figured this out on my own. I've taken online assessments that scored high enough on dissociation that DID was a suggested possibility. The problem is I don't think I qualify for DID, because I don't have loss of memory and evidence of alters or if I have alters they aren't that separated. I don't relate to a lot of posts I see about DID because they seem so extreme. Lately though, because of recent events and doing some more reading, I'm concerned that even if I don't have DID I might fit something like DDNOS.

Since my parents divorced a few years ago I've been having problems with anger. I've noticed that I am deeply depersonalized if my anger escalates. I think and feel things I wouldn't normally, that go against my values. It's as if all that's left is my anger, unabated by the rest of me. I am still me, I accept this anger is me though I don't like it, but it's not all of me. Before I started up therapy again for DPD, I was deeply depressed and crying a lot. I couldn't get myself to calm down. At some point an empty calmness overtook and I abruptly stopped crying and I became utterly disconnected from my feelings. I had the thought, "the stoic took over". Again I was me, just a version of myself devoid of emotions because I was utterly depersonalized.

These events had me concerned but not too worried as they seemed they could be explained by DPD, but something has happened since starting therapy again. I was on a trip with family that didn't go well. To make the story short, had a relative cross a boundary (kissed me) and I became dissociated and angry. The situation was dealt with and things got better after a few days but I became angry again because that relative kissed me again knowing I wasn't comfortable with that and disrespected my feelings. I grew increasingly angry traveling back home and I was dissociating (though I was trying to ground myself). At some point I had this sense of being male (note: I am female). I wasn't alarmed by this nor tried to stop it, just curious and mindful though I felt off and depersonalized. I felt like a very good natured, happy, calm guy so it wasn't unpleasant. This lasted for some hours. I recall looking in the mirror and seeing myself as male (a rather surreal experience). I was just content and admiring my masculine features (I am not super girly in structure). I think this either went away or mostly wore off next morning. This is the first time something like this has happened. I think this is the closest I've ever felt like "someone else", though I still had all my memories and was in control. I was still aware. Because it happened after a VERY stressful situation and I was dissociating, I do not think it's an issue of gender identity. Could be wrong.

I think besides opening up about this, I wanted to hear feedback from others. Whether this is relateable to you. Whether this looks like DID, DDNOS, or whatever. My concern is totally mislabeling or misinterpreting situations. I don't want to jump to conclusions.

If nothing can be said, can you guys just let me know I'm not alone in being confused and lost in figuring things out.

I told my T about my test results from the start. While DID has been briefly talked about in therapy and she has asked questions looking for DID, I haven't talked to my T about the specific experiences I've mentioned here. My T has some continuing education on DID, but she isn't the most educated and experienced with it. So I haven't wanted to focus on DID too much or a diagnosis, but focus on building trust, coping skills, DPD, anxiety, etc. Last session my T said she wanted to talk about my anger and what that looks like for me. I don't think I can talk about my anger without talking about how depersonalized I am when I get angry. Honestly talking to her will be hard, partly because I'm ashamed of what I feel and think when I'm angry but partly because I don't know if she's someone I want to explore this with.

Also, I have no idea how to add the "DID" prefix to this topic.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

DID is really hard to diagnose. It is actually considered a diagnosis of exclusion ... meaning that it is only diagnosed when nothing else fits.

What does DPD mean? I'm not sure what you are referring to here.

 

[Reflections]

DID is really hard to diagnose. It is actually considered a diagnosis of exclusion ... meaning that it is only diagnosed when nothing else fits.

What does DPD mean? I'm not sure what you are referring to here.

DPD (or DDD I think it is now) is Depersonalization/Derealization Dissociation Disorder.

 

[whiteraven]

So...I have known about my insiders (alters) for a very long time. I was *officially* diagnosed in 1998 and my ideas about DID have changed significantly in that time. This therapist knows virtually nothing about DID from a clinical standpoint, but he is the best I've ever had.

I was very confused and lost when I first learned that the dissociation (which I'd done all my life and thought was normal) was *not* normal and not something that everybody did. I learned, though, to embrace those parts within as just a part of who I am - it leaves me feeling a lot less "disordered."

For me, label are very limiting. When you are labeled with DID (or anything else for that matter - white, black, diabetic, etc...) you are expected to be and act in a certain way. And all of those "criteria" were thought up - often - by one person who convinced a panel of people that his idea was the right one. I hate and don't trust labels anymore.

The experiences and how you handle them are what is important, in my estimation.

I don't think I can talk about my anger without talking about how depersonalized I am when I get angry.

Why don't you want to talk about the depersonalization? Your therapist can't help you if you aren't straightforward and honest. And you will definitely get a better sense if she is someone you want to explore things further with.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think the most important thing to know is that no matter what the diagnosis, you are still you.

What do you want a label to do for you? I understand the need to categorize things - for me (us) wanting a label was a need that was rooted in knowing how to help ourselves and in getting the right help. If this is the case for you, then I think it makes sense to want to know. Curiosity about internal experience actually increases awareness and aids in healing dissociation, too. So it is a good thing.

But if you are just panicking about it, then I think it can actually hurt to have a label. There is a fine line.

How are you doing these days?

 

[Reflections]

The experiences and how you handle them are what is important, in my estimation.

Why don't you want to talk about the depersonalization? Your therapist can't help you if you aren't straightforward and honest. And you will definitely get a better sense if she is someone you want to explore things further with.

I agree, what matters is my experiences are real and how I handle them. Thank you for reminding me of that. My worry is handling them in a way that leads to health and healing rather than more trauma. Maybe it's hard to trust myself or my therapist, since the last time I did therapy it didn't go well. Moreover, I'm ashamed of how I feel and think when I'm that angry. It's stuff I don't want to repeat because it's violent in nature.

I think the most important thing to know is that no matter what the diagnosis, you are still you.

Thank you.

Right now I feel like I'm not sure who I am. Like, I'm not sure who I am without the anxiety, dissociation, unhelpful coping, etc. Would I be reserved or not? Introverted or not? More laid back or not? More feeling? It doesn't help that I've been so out of it for the last few years.

I'd want the label, as you said, to better know how to help myself and getting the right help. I don't feel panic about it. Though part of me now wants to ignore this whole thing.

I'm having a rough week all around tbh. T didn't push to talk about anger since I'm not sleeping well.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I’m sorry you’re having a bad go of it.

As far as therapy: I think there is a lot of pressure here to assume your therapist is the right one for you. Maybe they are. But I just know, from my own experience, that it was really, really important for me to have a therapist with experience with dissociation. And when I say experience, I don’t mean a vague knowledge of dissociation .... DID is usually a diagnosis that people spend up to seven years in the mental health system before getting. That was my experience. Ten years of bad, ineffective treatment. I might be projecting here, but I think it’s an important consideration.

 

[Reflections]

Thank you for your reply.

I am putting a lot of pressure on myself... I don't think that's helping my situation. It's certainly not helpful for my mental health.

My T has considerable experience with trauma/PTSD and clients who dissociate and has some education and training with dissociate disorders (apparently her continuing education included DID looking at our email exchange). My T said she had one patient with DID too. So her understanding I think is better than vague, but she also isn't the most experienced. She said before she'll give a referral if I want someone with more experience.

I think for right now I'm fine with her as my T and that she'll help me to the best of her abilities. I genuinely like her and connect with her in a way I didn't with past professionals. I trust her competence as well.

I feel more sure though that I do fit DDNOS or DID.