Sexual Assault I'm In Trouble - Muru's Story

[ghotiff]

Would a service dog to pull you out of flashbacks and remind you to eat be a good idea. You've said you love animals but lack support so I was thinking this might work for you.

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you for being so supportive Lucy, Digger, Bluebird and Ghotiff.

Your cat sounds lovely Bluebird :)

I'm not sure how my cats would react to a service dog Ghotiff, I adore my cat and wouldn't want anything to make them uncomfortable. But it's a nice idea.

I'm so tired of this and tired of everything...I feel like I just want to sleep, nothing else.

<3: Muru

 

[Muruluisku]

Now that I'm an in-patient out of "free will" and not under section anymore I have been able to get my phone back for when Im in my room. They say it's not safe to leave it in the room in the day, so I still have to hand it back, but at least I get to stay online longer in the evenings and in the privacy of my room.

I've talked about the memories of my dad a little more, because the flashbacks about him are mainly the reason for my difficulties with eating...and writing that song I posted yesterday helped too.

What makes it so difficult is I have also experienced my dad being loving and safe, he was only bad when thunderstorm or alcohol turned him into a baddie...and in a way that is really difficult and complicated because I love the good side of him. And I would miss that part of him a lot if I didn't keep in touch with him, I feel like I need him, the good part of him, and I can't stop loving him... Does that make me bad and disgusting? I know what he did to me was wrong...but I can't make myself hate him for it :(

I'm not sure whether I will be commenting on all the different threads here..I find keeping an eye on different conversations difficult, (maybe it's my dyslexic brain) but please know I'm reading now. I probably don't have much to offer in the way of comments either...people here seem so much wiser with more life experiences and learned lessons than I have.... So thank you for bothering with me and for listening (hugs)

<3: Muru

 

[digger]

Good to see you :) glad you are getting your phone now :tup:

I've talked about the memories of my dad a little more, …
What makes it so difficult is I have also experienced my dad being loving and safe, … ...and in a way that is really difficult and complicated because I love the good side of him. And I would miss that part of him a lot if I didn't keep in touch with him, I feel like I need him, the good part of him, and I can't stop loving him... Does that make me bad and disgusting? I know what he did to me was wrong...but I can't make myself hate him for it :(

I struggle with this conflict a lot myself. I find it very difficult and I'm afraid I'm not close to resolving it so can't really offer any advice. From what my therapist has said though, it is not uncommon, so you (and I) are not alone in it.

You're not bad or disgusting xx

 

[Lucycat]

I do understand the conflict in the relationship. I cannot have any kind of contact with my own father. I think if I tried he would manipulate me again. He is a powerful character. It has been very hard at times. There have been many times when I have shed buckets of tears for the loving father I miss. Sadly I know for me there is no going back. I think if I visited my father I would be joining you in the ward - and it would not be voluntarily!

 

[Muruluisku]

I'm sorry Digger and Lucy that you also struggle with the relationship with your dad's / families.. And I really am sorry Lucy I made you cry with that song :(

My therapist keeps telling me the bad stuff that happened is not my fault...so maybe I will actually feel it eventually.

I caught a cold in here and running fever..It's gone to my chest and it hurts to breath, my lungs feel like they're paperbags :(

I still get chest infections quite easily, and it makes me feel filthy. My therapist keeps telling me I have to try and remember the reason for me being chesty is not the same as when I was little, and that it must be all the bugs I'm not used to on the ward, that's all...I keep wanting a shower to make me feel cleaner at least from the outside, but they don't let me use the shower for more than twice a day and I don't know what I can do in between times..I can't concentrate on mental activities and I can't do physical stuff or I get a coughing fit :( I HATE MY STUPID BODY *sobbing* At least I'm allowed to have my phone to listen to my music.

I wished I could be home in my own bed with my cats ;(

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

You poor soul. I am sorry that you have caught a cold. Such a thing can have a huge impact on your mood. I hope it passes quickly. Your T is quite right that you are more vulnerable to bugs when you are in a ward. Its a bit like being in nursery school and meeting lots of other people's bugs for the first time. Only difference is this time you have grown-up bugs!

As well as music on my phone I have audiobooks. They are good when reading is too much effort (or for me when I am driving).

Get well soon!

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you Lucy, listening to audiobooks is a good idea. I downloaded one, The Forgotten Garden by Kate Morton - it's one of my favourites!


Tonight has been really bad with thunder storms. Lightning makes my body hurt and I can't sleep (I explained the flashback here: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/im-so-scared-of-thunder-murus-story.44128/#post-711019 )

What is it about thunder that makes people bad? Is it the electric charge?

The night nurse tried to stay with me and calm me down and hug me but I wouldn't let her stay close because of the thunder monster, in case he turned into a baddie. I'm allowed to have my phone with me now cause I'm not sleeping anyway. My body is really sore now... I'm such a freak, anybody, any sane adult would be able to tell that I'm crazy but they haven't seen the thunder monster turning a goodie into a baddie, they don't know how scary it is.

<3: Muru

 

[bluebird]

I understand your fear and I am sorry thunder makes you feel so much pain; please, remember that you are not crazy... I really do hope you shall believe what your therapist says is true (*hug*). Is it helpful to realise now that the nurse was staying with you, offering help and safety, and that nothing bad happened? Sometimes, it can help a bit to kind of "rearrange" your nightmares - to go through them with somebody and this time change the horror into something bright and good...

Is the cold getting better? It is quite common to catch some infection while being in the hospital - and it definitely has nothing to do with the things that happened (and please, darling Muru, I want to assure you that these things were not at all your fault, not even a slightest bit!).

Thinking of you!

 

[Muruluisku]

Thank you lovely Bluebird for not thinking me as crazy or a fault <3

I've been hiding again... After the thunder storms I couldn't handle how it felt and so I dumped my body and escaped out of my head. I locked myself in the toilet, and didn't hear them calling because I was up in my climbing tree...far away. Then I guess I had a hypo because the next thing I know I'm in a different ward, in a medical ward attached to a drip. I AM SO BAD, naughty, ungrateful for the help I've been given...for I have used all these people's time and resources (I think they had to unhinge the toilet door to get to me) that they just keep on giving because it's their job to, even though I didn't even want it...I think I just needed it all to stop.

I'm back at the mental health unit again, and my therapist has been working with me on thinking about my thoughts of escaping and ending this nightmare that I've tried to do by letting myself go to a full on hypo. She says that everyone I've ever cared about would be devastated. And even though I think that after the intitial shock and anger and sadness they would probably be relieved for not having to worry about me and just get on with their busy lives, my therapist says it doesn't work like that...She says people that care about me would be traumatised for a long time and would be likely to blame themselves even if I wouldn't blame them, and even end up having mental health problems themselves. So, even though it might be a relief for me it wouldn't be a relief for anyone else, not even in the long term.

She says I should write a list of things that have changed for better since starting therapy, because she thinks I have made progress. She thinks it's just that I'm having hard time adjusting feeling feelings when I've learned to be so numb and disconnected for most of my life. And that it will get better if I just wait and don't try to escape again. I'm so tired of this rollercoaster of feelings and pain and being so so scared for so much of the time it's hard to see the point.

If you guys are able to point out anything that you may have noticed about things changing for better for me since starting therapy, could you help me by pointing them out, please? I'll try to start writing the list of good changes as she asked.

Also, what do you guys do for staying grounded in here and now when a flashback comes?

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

@Muruluisku I am so sorry you had the thunderstorms. We were lucky here and only had rain.

I can understand you spacing out and losing time through it. That is not your fault. You are not in control when your mind takes over and does these things.

As for losing you - yes I would be traumatised and miss you - even though I don't know you in the real world. In this forum world you are my friend. I hope you understand that - I don't have many friends so every one is special.

As for grounding techniques. That is hard. I have some - basic stuff like feeling the floor, the seat, moving limbs. But I am not sure that is enough for a thunderstorm. I used to be terrified of them, and now I am not but I have no idea what changed that. They still make me uncomfortable but that is all. Maybe others will be more helpful here?