I'm living a nightmare. grandmother committed suicide.

[Will86]

Sorry for my english, it is not my first language, could not find a good forum about this issue in my own language.

I lost my grandmother 3 weeks ago, she commited suicide, she jumped from the window of my mother's appartment. She was living with my mother for 2 years because since she survived from her breast cancer, she started to loose her mind and saying things that didn't make sense. She was paranoid, depressed, had high anxiety, thought about death and such..

I came back to my country to visit my family for christmas holiday and this suicide happened when I was there.

She jumped from the ‘’inside'' side of the building, don't know how to say the right word in english. It was at night, when we came back home from an event, we called her name and of course, there was no answer. The window from our living room was open, a window opened during winter... My uncle asked to my mother an electric torch because he believes he is seeing a thing down there. When he turned it on, it was my grandmother down there.

I was behind them, they were both looking down the window. I didn't see my grandma from this angle. The first floor of the building belongs to a charity cause and it was late so no one was there to open the door and so we could not access by there.

I felt restless for something like 5 seconds but I quickly decided to go jump from my window to go to see her. She jumped from the first floor, not high but high enough for a woman of her age. When I arrived downstairs, I saw her, swimming in her blood, dead. I knew she was dead, my uncle was screaming ''is she breathing ?'' I got angry and responded loudly ''wait, let me check'' even tho I knew she was already dead, there was so much blood. From there I started crying and kissed her and caressed her hair.. What else could I do ? She was my lovely grandmother. I could not believe it.

My uncle and my mother were devastated, their own mother just committed suicide, you can imagine.. It was horrible, hard to express how I felt, I felt so numb inside but I said to myself ''stay strong'', I answered police questions, hold my mother and my uncle tight, hold them tight like I never did before.

I went through different stage after that, crying a lot for 3 days, then starting philosophizing about life during 2-3 weeks, saying beautiful things about my grandmother. I felt at peace with my feelings and the world around even tho I felt a lot of pain. I kept repeating to myself ''be strong for your family, be there for them, share your memories''. I had horror images in my mind but tried to kept my mind busy as much as I could, trying to avoid it. I felt like I grew up from this experience and somehow became a better and a more loving person.

But things have changed for the last 3 days since I came back to the country where I’m studying, since I'm far from my family.

I'm scared to death, I'm scared like a child who saw a horror movie and can't sleep alone at night. I feel like my life is threatened. What scares me the most is not to die but is that I don’t care to die, I don't mind anymore if it comes to me but In the meantime I'm stressed and feel fear to have such strange feelings and of course I’m also afraid to die. I know it’s very paradoxal what I’m experiencing but that’s how I feel.

I feel so detached from the world and the people around me but in the meantime I'm more sociable when I go out, I talk to people like I never did before. I look fearless outside but I'm in fact scared to death inside me. I feel like I'm at war and anything can happen at anytime even tho I'm currently in my room and it's quiet and peaceful.

Last night was probably one of the most traumatic night of my life. As I was falling asleep, I woke up and had false awakening repeatedly with the vision of my grandmother dead, her jumping from the window, I imagined myself preventing her to fall, had vision of the letter she wrote for us before she committed suicide, in other words, some kind of flashback. T
he night was short. Slept from midnight to 6, I usually sleep a lot but not today , not yesteday and the day before that. I had also the worst series of nightmares, all my family passed away in my nightmares, I woke up probably 20 times in some sort of panic state.

Now i'm writting this message, I feel like something can happen to me, I feel like I can die at any moment, I feel like something can appear from behind my back and take my life, I'm ready for it but the ''rational'' side of my brain knows nothing like this is ever going happen but I keep looking over my shoulder..

What the hell is this ?

I wanna get out of this nightmare.

Thanks for reading... It's long, sorry for that but somehow it kept my mind a bit busy as I was writing this and somehow feel a bit lighter.

 

[J'qel]

You did very well for someone for whom english isn't their first language. :)

It's not surprising you're having these problems, do you have counsellors at the school you're studying at? If so, I would suggest talking to them. What you went through was very traumatic and sudden, you should find someone you can talk to who can help you work through it. Right now it's going to be a mess.

You just witnessed the death of a loved one, and a very bad frightening one. You've got grief and then the stress from having to care for your parents, and being away at school, and at losing your grandmother. Of course you're having issues.

If you can't find someone to talk to at the school like a counsellor, then maybe remembering good things about your grandmother, maybe calling your parents to talk to them, or writing them a letter, or just writing out how you feel. Try reading a book, or watching a movie before bed, something you can really get into, so it's what's in your head before you go to sleep instead of your grief.

I'd really really suggest seeing a counsellor or a therapist if you can, because as much as many of us have been through some rough times, online is never as good as in person, and a professional is much better than online.

I hope you feel better soon <3

 

[ladee]

Welcome @Will86 . I am so sorry this happened and you had to be so strong for everyone.
Now that you are back home all these feelings are coming to the surface.
My suggestion would be to find a Therapist to talk to.
You have a lot of feelings to sort out.
None of us can say whether you have PTSD from this As we are not doctors. But you defiantly need someone professional to help you.
Possibly meds to help with the anxiety and sleep problems.
You have been thru a horrible situation. No one is ever prepared to deal with something like this.
Your English was very good by the way.
Please come back and share when you want or need to. And please give getting a Therapist serious consideration.
I am glad you found us. You do not have to be alone with this Pain.

 

[Will86]

Thank you for the quick answer and the kind words, I feel less fear suddenly even tho I told my story online. Somehow it calmed me down.

To be honest, I think I'm also exhausted, just traveled from very far away and it probably doesn't help and I'm currently chain smoking cigarettes like crazy but I cannot stop smoking.

I went to the GP this morning today first to do a HIV test, I started panicking over that as well last night, started thinking about a girl I had sex with one year ago without protection unfortunately (stupid me) and thought ''I don't trust her.. maybe she has HIV and if I was contaminated?'' I don't know, I don't wanna stress about it so I went to do a test as soon as the health center opened this morning.

I also talked about this story to the GP, she advised me the same thing you just told me, going to my school counselors but my course starts in 1 month and half.. don't know if i can go there if my course haven't started yet and I'm on a budget, so going to see a therapist is expensive here and I don't wanna cause more trouble to my mum with what I'm experiencing now, my poor mum, I talk to and call her on facebook as much as I can..

I called my uncle this morning tho and talked to him about it.. It told me that it's normal what I'm experiencing but I only share my nightmares, anxiety story, not how hopeless I really feel inside. I have to respect his pain too, he is not my psychiatrist, I can't go too far and get all the attention if you understand what i mean. I believe it was even a worst experience to him than it is for me, I don't know, maybe he is stronger than I am and I really hope so. She was like a second mum to me but to him, it's his real mother.. damn.

I feel like I need to talk all the time but when no one is around, stress and fear get the best of me.

Anyway, I will defo do like you just advised me and I'm gonna ask my ex girlfriend to stay with me tonight, we are still very close friends and since i came back, we see each other a lot, she will understand if I ask her to stay tonight I think..

Thank you again for the support.

 

[J'qel]

If you're already in, you may be able to see the counselor now, I know when I was in university I still saw the counselor I had there even during the summer months. It's worth checking into. Even if you can't get in, the office should have tons of material on places you can go for help, things you can do, and other resources you can use. I highly recommend a visit.

Other than that, sounds like you're on the right track, I hope your ex can come by and help you through this.

Have a good night and better days :)

 

[ladee]

Very good that you have someone to stay with you. That will help.
I also understand that you are a deeply loving and compassionate man with your family. I know they are very proud of you.
Are there no mental health clinics that you could check about getting help?
When we have no need for such things we aren't aware of different places that might be able to help.
I wish you blessings in finding affordable help.
You are an amazing young man and your family is blessed to have you. But you must take care of yourself too.
Hope your friend stays with you and you get some good rest and sleep.
Post if you want or need to. We are here for you.

 

[Will86]

I really hope I haven't developed PTSD and it's just a short phase I'm going through at the moment. I have already suffered from depression and high level of anxiety in the past but I was doing fine for the past 2 years, still very anxious but I was becoming a better person, less angry and more at peace. The problem is I have always been over sensitive, it's a part of me that I hate but also love because it makes me what I am as a person and it's part of my personality.

After my grandmother died, I started thinking over a lot of things about life, the universe, the meaning of life, my life. I felt like I became even better, grew up as a person and became more loving and caring to others and I still feel think this way. Like I said, when I talk to people outside, they can't tell I'm suffering inside, I smile to them and hide it very well, I'm more talkative and social.
I wanna be kind to others, not harm them. People who suffer from PTSD become violent, is it correct ? if yes, I don't have PTSD even tho maybe I have some symptoms. I think about fighting a lot because i have anger inside but I know I can control myself and not fight, I don't like violence even tho sometimes I think about it. Here again, paradox, thinking about fighting but would not hurt a fly. Doesn't make much sense..

I always been a kind of solitary and introvert person and suddenly, the opposite. But in the meantime I feel like I'm going insane when i'm alone in my room and no one sees me.

I also feel guilty to feel this way. Some people experience worse things than I experienced, I think about these children who see their parents dying in front of them in countries at war, I say to myself ''come on, you are not the only one suffering, everyone does''. You guys who are reading and answering my thread, are suffering from PTSD, I presume, otherwise you would not be there.. You are helping and giving a hand, my respect to you, you are strong people. Let's spread love and kindness all around us even tho we are somehow dead inside. That's what we have to do.. That's what you are doing with your messages. Thank you once again for that.

 

[Will86]

I'm too exhausting to read books.. and the kind of movie I have always enjoyed watching and am interested in are kind of complex and not all nice and beautiful, maybe better I avoid that kind of stuff for now. Can't even watch the lion king, even in this movie, the scene when Simba looses his dad would pain me too much lol
I like strategy games and usually play everyday for a bit but I don't feel like playing it now. The only thing I can do is listening to music, smoke, walk on the streets, talk to other people when I can. I know I should stop smoking too much, doing some sports, that's what I should do but I feel so restless and stressed, I prefer smoking and doing simple things that doesn't require much effort.

Maybe I should try to push myself doing things that require some mental or physical efforts ? What do you think ? Or is it going to make me even more exhausted and I should give it a rest for some time before considering doing that type of activity ?

 

[trying to heal]

I'm too exhausting to read books.. and the kind of movie I have always enjoyed watching and am intereste...

Welcome, Will I'm guessing because you don't start school for another month that means you are here to go to uni? If so most campuses will have student support services you can go to and they should be able to hook you up with a free or very inexpensive counsellor/psychologists that you can see on campus. As you are already enrolled /accepted you should be able to access those services now. Im sorry to hear about your grandmother. I hope you are able to find some help/support soon.

 

[J'qel]

I think that getting yourself involved in something team based would be good, and exercise stimulates endorphins-feel good brain chemistry, so it would probably be a great idea. Almost all therapists and counselors agree going outside and getting fresh air helps. Mental efforts will get your brain into another gear instead of the rut it's in too.

Both are solid ideas, just make sure to take breaks and switch it out if you need to :)

 

[ladee]

We also hope you don't have PTSD.
And no, violence is not the case with many of us.
We have to work on self regulation and self care before we get out of control.
Many of us turn our anger back to ourself. Self harming is a real issue for many of us.
Seems you have good feedback from a fellow countryman/woman about getting counseling.
So glad you reached out!
Wishing you blessings on your healing journey.

 

[Will86]

Thank you for your answers,

So last night was a bit better. The hardest part was actually before sleeping, I was very stressed and scared in the dark. I had pictures of my grandmother crying in the corner of my room. Not pretty.. So i turned the light on and faced the wall instead of my room and I finally fell asleep.

I kind of react like a kid who just watched a horror movie and I have never been scared in the dark since I was a kid but if the light on allows me to fall asleep easier, I'm gonna leave the light on before I sleep from now on, no shame lol..
My ex girlfriend came back from her night out cause it was celebration day yesterday in Australia. She came back quiet early tho so I felt more comfortable with her next to me. I had a strange dream but no bad nightmare during the night, just waking up a lot. Slept smth like 12 hours, so good ! I needed it :)

Today, I went out to take some fresh air with some music on but I don't feel really feel too comfortable outside, I have a feeling of insecurity I would say and I don't really feel happy too.
I still wish smth happens to me, I wish I die but in the meantime I don't think I want to die. I kind of feel angry all the time and lost. Hope these feelings will disappear soon.

Like I said, it might just be a short phase I'm going through, maybe I just need a bit of time to adjust.

Somehow, being close to my family and close friends in my country helped me a lot. I saw my best and childhood friends and in the meantime I was taking care of my family, I had flashbacks of the events but I was always around them so it helped a lot and I also used some pills to fall asleep so I didn't have trouble getting to sleep. I don't wanna get use to this type of medication again, I was so addicted to it before and It's really not good so I quit right after I arrived here.

Here, many of my friends went back to their country or they are on holiday somewhere else so it doesn't help, bad timing I guess..
Me and my ex gf are still close friends but she still suffers since we broke up because she still loves me, I think I should take that into consideration and respect her and not ask too much from her. She has been through a lot in her life but she never complains, she is very strong.

I'm gonna go back to do some sport soon, I feel like my body needs it. I think team sport like you advise me might indeed be a great idea. Gonna look into it.

Thank you for the information ''trying to heal'', I might go to see counselor but I don't feel quiet ready yet and If someone from my school or a teacher see me going to the counseling department, they gonna think something is wrong about me, so I'm a bit paranoid about it tbh.. Will see.

Fortunately this website exists, it really helps, thank you everyone.