I'm Messed Up

[Miss_Understood]

She was seeing another woman for months, she kissed her 3 times. She would talk to her about things she wouldn't talk to me about. She would open up to her, share her concerns and thoughts where she didn't with me.


She would tell her the things I was doing that hurt her or angered her.

I think she wants me to go because as she said last night she's tired of hearing the same complaint from me. My life is good why am I depressed?

 

[Miss_Understood]

What I want her to is to understand what I'm going through and I know that's asking too much. How can she if I don't open up?

I'm really really messed up big time.

 

[digger]

Well I don't think they'd hold you on suicide watch if you weren't actively suicidal anyway would they?

If she kissed someone else then that's a bigger deal, but I think everyone needs people they can get emotional support from outside of the relationship don't they? It's kind of what you're doing here.[DOUBLEPOST=1390411199][/DOUBLEPOST]Are there any charities you could approach for affordable therapy?

 

[Miss_Understood]

I've looked into that and I haven't found anything. All I know is that I need help not judgement and I feel like she's judging me.

My heart is broken and my soul is crushed. I'm so messed up right now when I have a pretty good life, how selfish of me to feel bad for myself.

 

[digger]

It doesn't sound like you have such a good life just now to me :( and even if you did, it doesn't mean that the past couldn't still affect you. In fact sometimes it's when things are 'good' or more settled that these things have a chance to catch up with us.

I'm sorry I'm not familiar enough with your story to know if that's the case, but if you have unresolved shit from the past, it'll come slap you whenever it wants.

I'm sorry you're hurting so bad.

 

[Miss_Understood]

Thank you for your words and advice.
Hurting is life.
I've been faking it for so long. After I got diagnosed with epilepsy everything hit me like a ton of bricks.

I feel like I'm outside of myself looking at a person I don't even recognize.

I appreciate you listening to me complain and cry like a 4 year old,

 

[digger]

Maybe the four year old part of you needs to cry. Looking from the outside at someone I don't recognise I can identify with. Faking it is very draining after a while. Your posts come across as very harsh on yourself. You should try to cut yourself some slack if you can.

 

[digger]

Oh and I'm a fair bit past 28 and am nowhere near having it figured out yet ;)

 

[Miss_Understood]

I really need some advice.

Am I too far gone ?

 

[digger]

Too far gone for help? I don't think so. Have you tried writing this stuff down to share with your wife?

 

[HelenB]

I have just read lots of this thread and no I wouldn't say you are too far gone. You are in a hard place and as @digger1 said appear to be being very hard on yourself, but the fact that you are here and wanting to allow yourself to express the things which are inside you is good. You want hope and you want change and when you can want that it does bring hope in itself.

I really hope you are able to give yourself a bit more of a break and realise that you are worth it and that you can find the space and safety to work through all the emotions which you have and find some peace and healing from it all.

God bless
Helen

 

[Miss_Understood]

@digger.

I have it on my phone but I think she's bot willing to read into it right now.

@ Helen
I'm going to the suicide lockdown like my wife wants. I reject help and I know I can no longer do that. I am smarter than this, I know I can be better. I just need help.