I'm Not A Criminal.

[Crazy Ray]

Hey all, I just joined today. I am starting a veterans peer group in Denver, a veterans only group that meets once a week. I didn't know how to handle any of the feelings that I had right before I got out. I lost my team leader in Jaji and he was my mentor when I first got to my unit. I felt like blaming everyone, and couldn't find a way to cope, so I found the bottle. Sailor Jerry's was the poison, and I was able to keep it under control until my last 6 months on active duty. After a night of heavy drinking we had a 10% ua and our unit did breathalyzers and I blew a .055 and received an Article 15 and was knocked from CPL to PFC. I kicked my wife out of the house, got a divorce, and drank more than ever. My father had to drive out to Ft. Lewis from Denver just to get me to come back home, because I wouldn't quit drinking, sleeping around, and partying. I came back to Denver and kept drinking, here I did get a steady girlfriend, and have been with her ever since. Last year in April I got a DUI, on August 6th of last year I blacked out behind the wheel and got another DUI. Now I am in sobriety court in Denver and I am on intensely supervised probation. I can't stand working for anyone who isn't a combat vet, and I am treated like a damn felon everyday by these people. I just wish they could understand who I am and what I have done and seen. In Afghanistan I saw every type of combat that country had to offer, mortars, rockets, firefights, etc. I designed and helped build 2 of the top 5 deadliest bases, Zerok and Malekshay. I also designed and lead the building of a district center that was almost overrun in May of '08 by over 200 Taliban. All of this was done as a PFC and SPC, I have done great things, but now I feel lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut, and I'm angry at everyone and no one. I haven't met anyone yet who can have my 6 like we had each other, and I just don't know what to at this point. So I'm here for some help, I've seen the VA I've taken the classes, and nothing has helped.

 

[Zipperhead]

Afternoon Ray. We got your 6

 

[JarHed]

Hey Ray

Don't feel bad, we're all a bit crazy when we come home after that. Glad you found us and welcome. We'll help in every way we can. You've taken the first big step. It's just one day at a time.

JarHed

 

[Raven]

I don't know what to say that would make it all better, but if I did then I would. The drinking, the promiscuity... I think you'll find that many of us have been around the same block several times over.

Welcome. I'm a recent addition to the site myself.

 

[Crazy Ray]

Thanks guys, I appreciate it. For the most part I can keep myself contained and my symptoms managed. But two nights ago a neighbor lit off a mortar firework, and it brought everything back. All of the checks I've put in place over the past couple years have come crashing down and it's like I haven't made any progress at all.

 

[Tim Cake]

That is the nature of the ptsd rollercoaster -- up, down, up, down...

 

[Jimmy1]

Welcome Ray.

A big problem with PTSD is that it changes things. We are still the person we once were, just rewired.
A lot of veterans including myself struggle with the fact that we cant do half of the things we once could.
I personally was a Warrant Officer Class Two in the Aussie army. I could manage a few hundred men, among other things and now I have trouble managing my day to day things without writing them down everywhere.

I am also and alcoholic and addict, I just don't drink or use anymore.

So mate, it can and will get better if you follow the guidance of the people who know.

Jimmy

 

[Tim Cake]

Ray -- Jimmy offers sage advice. Immediately get in the queue to see a mental health professional (clinical psychologist or psychiatrist specializing in ptsd). Don't waste any time -- go to the VA and DEMAND more help. NO EXCUSES -- JUST F'ING DO DO IT, SOLDIER! You have earned the right to this help by risking life and limb for your country. There is no shame in admitting you have ptsd.

NOTE: If you feel you are getting the run-around from the VA, send an e-mail to both your local Congressman / woman or Senator -- they will put the big squeeze on the your local VA to provide the help you need. Send me a private e-mail if you need some help -- I've done this several times for my former soldiers. GO KICK SOME GOVERNMENT ASS AND GET HEALTHY!

 

[Brokencop]

Welcome...from one new member to another. Like many, I can understand a lot of what you are going through...we all are on the same road, just at different points. Some like me have done quite a few u turns. I am by far nowhere near where I'd like to be, but am better than I was yesterday. If you would have asked me just a month ago, I would say you just have to deal with it, not believing in professional help, since I had tried it for years in and out of pdoc from the private sector. But just recently I finally gave in to what a lot of people told me and went to the VA. I found that it has helped so much more than everything else I had tried. Mostly because I was lucky enough to find a psychologist that really helps, and that talking about it (to people the can relate or has experience into exactly what we have been though) can really help, more than and druges legal or not. That is one very large part why I'm here in this forum now. I found after my sessions with her, I felt better, saw hope, my depression lifted to a manageable weight. But it has not lasted until the next session, so I found this forum that kind of does to same (for me at least). To come here when I can't get in to see her.

I hope that you will stay, at least to read the issues that other and I face every day, so that you may know, you are not alone. And also find what has made our trip down this road a little better.

 

[reddevil1111]

I live in Colorado as well. Up north between Loveland and Estes Park. Welcome to the site. There is a good mix of guys and gals on here. Some from as far back as Vietnam and others from OIF. A good mix of old and new I think. Jimmy is right about getting help. I know the Denver VA might suck but there are other programs as well. I deal with a local county mental health and its as bad or worse than the VA but it is something and I do get some help from it. Sometimes a little might be all you get -you have to make the most of it.
I know about the booze. Most of us do. I can tell you PTSD is hard enough to deal with without the cycles of booze inflicted self piety and anger. It might cool the fires for a while but they just seem to get hotter every drink. At least that the way it was for me. Booze was not the answer to the problem. Even the medications for PTSD dont really do more than act as a crutch to help you cope. The real answers are inside. I cant explain how yet, Im still learning to deal with the anger/rage but there are guys in here who have learned to control themselfs to the point that the rage is gone and anger is under control. I know I want to be like that. Im sick of who I am.
Glad you joined. This site is filled with great people, lots of info and its good to blow off some steam as well. Red

 

[Brokencop]

@ Red and Ray,

Since you guys are in Colorado....either of you didn't happen to go see the midnight showing of batman did you? ;-)

 

[Crazy Ray]

Well I was at the movies last night, but about 10 mi away at a different theater. We went and saw Ted.