I'm not a cutter but...

[Smile]

I don't physically hurt myself. I do have unhealthy addictions that can and have negatively effected my body but that not the same.

Ever since I was a little child I would get this feeling in my gut. It's really hard to describe but I'll try: I get this massive (infity like) feeling of emptiness in my gut together with a kind of massive pain I cant grasp and can't think of anything that would help it go away or take my mind off it. It sometimes comes quickly & strong, like a punch in the gut and sometimes it sneaks up on me and lasts a long time.

The other day I felt it while sitting in my car smoking. I found something to take my mind off of it. I cigarette burnt myself. I've always thought about it but was always able to tell myself that logically it's not worth it to scar myself for a quick fix. But this time it helped. I woke up the next day with a massive blister in the middle of my upper arm. And all I could think was, "I'm such an idiot for doing it in such an obvious place".

I mentioned it to my T yesterday... But I only told her as I was literally walking out the door so she said we'll discuss a solution on how to feel better without harming next time.

Any of you ever have this feeling? Or something similar? When I was little I remember it happening a lot wen I'd get up in middle of the night to get a drink from the fridge.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Are you asking if we've ever had that gut pain or have we self injured? I get stabbing pains that start in my groin and shoot like a lightning strike up through my gut. It always makes me remember rape. I was burned by cigars when I was assaulted and I have scars on my inner thighs. I keep wondering why none of my doctors ever asked about them when I get a Pap smear.

I have a long history of self injury. I've never burnt myself with a cigarette but I do burn my legs using a corn bag I have to warm me up. I overheat it on purpose.

 

[Smile]

Sorry @KwanYingirl , I meant does anyone ever have that gut feeling. When you say stabbing pain do you mean it feels like the pain of feeling stabbed? What I mean is can the pain be compared to anything?

You're 100% right about the doctors not asking questions! I'm sorry you went through that :(

 

[Chava]

I don't totally understand my self injury (started with bashing my shins with a big rock, then lots of cutting, now just very rare burning). It doesn't really feel like emptiness (though I relate to that feeling) but a need to protect myself (or sometimes simultaneously punish myself...but contain something either way). I was physically punished as a kid, welts were okay but my feelings were not...maybe some link there. But self-injury did subdue the strong feelings I couldn't articulate. I think it sounds helpful if you can recognize a feeling. Maybe you could write more about it and share with your therapist? Awareness doesn't fix everything, but it can help a lot because you can look for other resources or ways to cope. Hopefully it's much easier to stop if you just started but are currently in therapy. Hopefully you can talk about the emptiness. I know that feeling is not good.

 

[Seagreen]

I used to cut a lot as a teen. That empty feeling you describe I can relate to from childhood. I dont self harm anymore but feel compelled to when im upset. Not so much cutting but other forms of self harm like abusing alcohol or chain smoking. Luckily my children motivate me to take good care of myself and set a good example. So im able to avoid doing these things most of the time. These behaviors make us feel better but they really make things so much worse in the long run. My advice is to avoid going down that path now as once you do its hard to stop. Hopefully your therapist can give you some good strategies to help. All the best.

 

[Smile]

How can so many people have this "feeling" but gave no name for it? Or explanation??

 

[katiekat]

I think for me, the best way to describe that feeling is when you are on a roller coaster going down. But its not as much adrenaline, and sometimes after I get that initial shock, I have the same emptiness in the put of my stomach, like a big black hole of regret or despair. Wow, that sounds really terrible when I try to put it in words. Yikes.

I understand the desire to distract yourself from that feeling by self-harming, to feel anything but that feeling. I had this come over me yesterday for the first time that I know of. I decided to take a hot shower to get my mind off the physical sensations I was feeling because I was obsessing and becoming paranoid about them. When I was in the shower, I realized I might have to take more drastic measures to distract myself because the shower wasn't helping as much as I needed it to. I thought of self harm and it scared me. So I thought, what else could I do that wouldn't leave a mark or cause too much damage? ICE! I could hold ice in my hands to distract myself.

I am scared to tell this to my therapist because I don't know her very well yet (only been 4 sessions) and I don't trust easily. It took me over a year to trust my previous therapist enough to give him some minor T stories. But, I think if I am going to get better, I must tell her. It scares me to have those ideas of self harm when that has never been my "fix". I am glad you told your therapist, even if it was a doorknob moment-she knows, and you now have to hold yourself accountable to discuss it next time. Don't let it get out of control, take care of yourself, you deserve it.

 

[joeylittle]

I had a very, very strange feeling kind of like what is being described - it was pretty regular (like once every month or so) when I was young, it went away after puberty, and then came back when I was in my mid twenties. I still get it, but more infrequently.

I think for me, the best way to describe that feeling is when you are on a roller coaster going down. But its not as much adrenaline, and sometimes after I get that initial shock, I have the same emptiness in the put of my stomach, like a big black hole of regret or despair.

Yeah, this is pretty accurate to my experience, and also this:

I get this massive (infity like) feeling of emptiness in my gut together with a kind of massive pain I cant grasp and can't think of anything that would help it go away or take my mind off it.

When I was a child, I would actually lie down on the floor and have a kicking and screaming tantrum to make the feeling go away. Now, as an adult, I just freeze up and wait for it to pass. It almost always happens to me in public. I have absolutely no clue what it is.

My psych theorized that it could be a kind of depersonalization or derealization.

 

[katiekat]

Joey-i had those same tantrums and I remember my parents being totally clueless as to how to soothe me. Those tantrums turned into terrible depressing boredom that still plagues me.

 

[joeylittle]

@katiekat - it's amazing to know you did the tantrum thing too. I'm feeling way less freaked out by the "tunnel feeling" (that's what I call it). Thank you for sharing that.

 

[katiekat]

Makes me wonder if I had trauma before they started...

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Smile the feeling in my gut is sharp and yes like stabing. Then I am left dissociated and that leads to the big black lake that is my inner world. It is bleak and lonely and it scares me because I usually self harm to stop it. And I also get the roller coaster sensation where I feel like I'm falling out of space.

@katiekat i think your therapist will admire you for how you handled yourself. Holding ice is one of the strategies for not harming your body. Distracting but not apt to cause infection or scarring.