I'm Not Sure I Can Do This

[momofmany]

I met with my therapist yesterday. This was the third time we talked about an actual abuse event. The whole process makes me so sad and tired. I went in feeling okay and came out feeling awful. I still do.

I’m tempted to quit but I know I would still be stuck where I am and perhaps even worse off because I’ve started remembering bits and pieces of the many instances of abuse. Sometimes I’m afraid I’m going to get stuck in the remembering part and never climb back out. Is that normal?

We’ve talked about reconciling my child self to my adult self, but I just don’t see how to do it. I hate the child me. Sometimes I think it would have been better if she had died. At the same time I realize that is stupid because then I wouldn’t be.

How do you stop the waves of pain in remembering; especially in the 168 hours outside the therapist’s office? I have to be able to function at work and home. How do you all do this without sinking into the darkness? Right now it feels as if I’ll never stop crying.

 

[Artista]

I know exactly how you feel... but I did have a break through of sorts recently. I usually find myself at odds with the young me. The closer I get, the more I am angry. I did have a moment of empathy for the 14 year old me (had 2 incidents one mostly at 7-8 the other at 14) and out of the blue the song "Let Me Be Myself" by Three Doors Down came on and this time. I heard it as if the 14 year old was singing it to the adult me. Kinda destroyed me. I thought... she went through all the terror and then I abandoned her..... so maybe I am now closer to her than I care to admit. I have not had full blown remembering yet and am petrified. I think I am partly waiting to accept her and wonder if until then... it will the details be kept at bay??? Time will tell. I always feel I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. My flashbacks are in pieces. I am hoping only when I can handle it, will it really hit with full realization. Then again, I wonder if I will just feel as you do even more so, knowing it all. All I can do is find strength in knowledge and remind myself I am still in there... wanting out... the one who wasn't robbed of all trust in herself.

 

[cat]

Hi momofmany

What you are experiencing is all part of the therapy process & perfectly normal. Acknowledging & exploring our trauma is a very painful & exhausting process but it will help you to recover. Have you spoken to your T about how you feel after therapy, they will be able to make suggestions to help you through this.

At first I found the week in between my appointments very difficult, all my symptoms increased & i felt I was going backwards. My psych explained that this is how therapy works, you feel worse in the days after therapy but then as you gain more understanding of your trauma you begin to recover. After my therapy sessions I used to feel like I had to get away & keep myself busy but then realised that this is just more avoidance so now I find a coffee shop & treat myself to coffee & a large slice of cake & ground myself. this is when I find it best to write, more understanding of my trauma comes from those notes & they are good to share with my T at my next appointment. My T is also happy for me to ring or email her between appointments if I find myself 'stuck'. Are you able to do this with yours, do you have crisis arrangements if you should need them?

During this time I also find it helpful to step up on looking after myself, spending more time relaxing & allowing myself to feel whatever happens. I do this by using the grounding techniques my T has taught me, sleeping when I need to, meditating, visiting a spa, sitting in a hot tub or just simply going for a walk somewhere quite. I know this is difficult when you have other commitments but it will help you through therapy. Learning to be kind to ourselves is an important part of the therapy process & often the most difficult to do.

I am lucky in that I have been able to arrange my work hours so that I don't work the morning after therapy. This has proved to be a great help as it gives me time to recover instead of trying to put things to the back of my mind until work is over. Are you able to arrange something like this, I realise some employers aren't always helpful with these things but its always worth asking.

I'm just about to do some work on my child self to help me with the anger I am feeling but cant acknowledge. I have no idea how this will work, maybe someone else will be able to enlighten us on this.

As you work through your trauma you will find it gets easier to manage & you'll feel in more control of the after effects of therapy. Good luck with therapy it is much harder work than we first think but for me it has been very rewarding, I hope it is for you too.

 

[Artista]

cat, You are right about therapy... much harder than I expected. The exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed at times. I have found too that taking care of me is important. Hard to do when many others count on you, but vital and necessary. I don't know if momofmany has much of an opportunity to do so, if her site name gives a clue to her home status and taking care of kids. I hope she can find moments to gain sanity. I avoided my trauma for about as long as I could. That doesn't seem to work well. I am also lucky to be able to have time to use for me. I am an at home Mom and artist and part-time art teacher. Now, I go to therapy. I used to rush home. Instead, I go to a museum or I have a quiet lunch and process what I can... draw, write, music or whatever works.

VERY difficult to take time for yourself on a regular basis but it can be done if you find a support system. Hard with kids. I have two young ones. At first, I felt incredibly guilty and selfish doing it. My art advisor jokingly threatens to "hit me with her prayer beads" if I ever use the "S" word(selfish). She is really just kidding but I get the visual and it helps me laugh a bit or stop it when I want to avoid me. We should be self-full, to be our best for those we love. Now I see it has helped my sanity immensely, therefore making me a better mom in the end. I worried, the way i was immersing myself in only their lives, that they would learn to be just like that and never know who they were but only help others. I hid in helping others so I couldn't deal with me. My well was beyond dry. Nothing left to give any way. I am slowly building it back.

 

[Jagged Angel]

Many is the time that I did not want to ever return to the therapist's office. Many is the time I just wanted to stay at home and make it all stop. Many is the time that I thought it was all too hard. But then I am reminded that the only way to make this hell less hellish is to get off my bum and do the hard yards. I will never be cured, but I can make my world easier to live in.

With therapy, things always get worse at first, then they get better

 

[gdf]

Hang in there, that sounds very familiar. Therapy for the hard crap in life is never easy but if you can get through it it will start to make sense.

GDF