I'm Not Sure What Happened!?

[sillybearmama]

I'm not quite sure if I had a flashback of sorts or if my mind was trying to dissociate so I'm going to post my experience here and see if anyone else has had the same type of thing happen.

Last night I was laying in bed with my husband. He was asking me how I was doing because I seemed distant the last couple of days. I admit that I immediately felt defensive due to the way he asked the questions. I eventually explained to him that I had been feeling a little distant lately because I had been having pervasive thoughts and dreams about my sexual abuser the last few days. He said 'Oh I'm sorry' and that was it.

Then the strangest thing happened, it was like I was falling asleep really quickly but at the same time I felt like I was falling into a black hole. I realized what was happening and it startled me so I jumped and "came out" of whatever state I was in. After this I felt very dirty and freaked out. I was shuddering and kicked me feet around like I was trying to get something off of my skin.

I felt very overwhelmed by fear and felt very vulnerable. I asked my husband to hold me and he did, this helped me feel more secure and I was eventually able to calm down. Has anyone experiecned anything like this? I didn't see anything or have any specific memories, I just felt like I was falling into a black hole or maybe being smothered by something. It was very strange and unsettling, any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

 

[Deaf Global Nomad]

Hi Sillybearmama,

What you're describing makes sense to me and I have experienced incidents similar to that. Just to let you know I have just taken my meds. So this may be short and/or disjointed. I will check in the morning to make sure if I need to add anything.

First of all, I am pretty sure that it was not dissociation. Dissociation is shutting down and if anything as you are falling asleep you are allowing subconscious or things just below the surface to rise because your defenses are down. You said that the days before you had been thinking a lot about your abuser. I suspect something was bubbling up as your defenses were sliding down as you were falling asleep. Just from personal experience, I'm suspecting that your abuse and what you were letting bubble to the surface are related. The more I work in therapy the more these relatively unclear feelings come up first before the conscious memory connected to the event rises.

The last time it happened it was on the pilates reformer at the Y and I had a complete meltdown, but could not explain what or why. Luckily my trainer was able to contact my therapist and as luck would have it she had time because it was her day off, but she was in the office. Anyway, we worked for over 3 hours until I was able to let the full memory surface.

In your case, something was beginning to form which gave you the feelings that you had. It may keep coming bit by bit or all at once when you are ready for it. Maybe working on it with your therapist (if you have one) will help. Otherwise trying to paint the picture of the image that you had or painting the feelings might encourage it. It could be pretty strong and powerful. So I would not suggest doing that on your own to try and get at the memory. Your body will guide you. So trust whatever your psyche and body are telling you to do (activities, exercise, rest, cuddling with your husband, etc...). When you are ready and safe the memory will be able to emerge.

The final aspect on which I wanted to comment was the fact that you felt like kicking and that you were shuddering. Have you read the book "Waking the Tiger"? It's a book that describes the body's reaction to trauma and the author's description of a trauma therapy style called Somatic Experiencing. According to this type of therapy that is how animals in the wild recover from and process trauma. You are letting your system fight when during the trauma you were not able to.

With really tough therapy sessions, my therapist always lets me act out how my body wants to defend itself. I usually kick against a pillow that my therapist holds against her legs. It doesn't have to be hard or fast. The movement alone is liberating and kind of completes the cycle of trauma. Despite my touch issues I can usually push against my therapist's hands. Somehow it helps me free myself from the trauma and memory. Each time I left therapy and was able to have a completely calm weekend.

I hope this helps at least a little... and that the stuff bubbling to the surface helps you by coming up...

Take care!

 

[Srain]

I realized what was happening and it startled me so I jumped and "came out" of whatever state I was in. After this I felt very dirty and freaked out. I was shuddering and kicked me feet around like I was trying to get something off of my skin.

You said you realized what was happening....what did you realize was happening?? If you realize this then somewhere inside something like this has happened to you before.

My therapist has reminded me that flashbacks are more than able to hit while we are sleeping, we are least on guard. It's important to note that you what you had been thinking about lately.

I'm sorry it felt frightening but you are safe and in fact so much so your mind decided to give you some information for you to work with towards further healing. Be gentle with yourself.

peace,
Rain

 

[Artfulone]

When trauma is not fully processed it is rendered into the unconscious. The language of the unconscious is metaphor. The point between sleep and waking is like the bridge to the unconscious, it is something that can be a great trance tool for co-cosciousness, as it is possible to decipher and transform the the unconscious metaphorical messages and in turn gradually process them. My guess is that these are forms of emotional flashback, and that your unconscious is seeking to communicate with you metaphoriacally about how it holds and percieves your trauma or chain of traumas. Please remember that one or more sections (a psychic/ soul fragment) of your self has become partially detatched and that it is still likely to be percieving from a peritraumatic perspective (this part of you will percieve quite literally as you would have done at the time of traumatisation (peri-traumatic) unless it has been partly processed. So however you felt consciously and unconsciously at that time is relevant now, particularly in the sense that your unconscious percieves now as it did then.

I suggest gradually accepting, welcoming and facilitating communicating with your family of selves (internal family systems therapy/ ego state therapy/ structural dissociation perspectives, etc.), both conscious and unconsious. You could ask yourself what his might mean in terms of metaphor as you percieve it now and as you percieved it then. Ask yourself the same question in three months, six months , nine months, etc.. Getting selves to communicate intra-psychically (between parts of ones' self/ soul fragments, ego states, etc.) and lowering intra-psychic conflict is a long term job and is central to healing. This is not something that occurs overnight but something that one commits to as a gradual process on the continuum of the healing journey. It can often be disconcerting at first, as there will be friction (intra-psychic conflict) between the percieved peritraumatic purposes of the individual soul fragments and collectives of intra-psychic fragments. This is to say that the individual soul fragments tend to operate and percieve on the grounds/ framework/ contractual purpose within your family system, of their original purposes from when they were created/ cathected.

I hope that this makes some sense to you and that it helps you make sense of and create meaning from your experience. Intra-psychic communication and growth and co-consciousness in its' many forms are very much experiential and phenomenological (they relate to how you and your parts percieve and experience them now and at the point of traumatisation/ attachment). You sound as though you are very much getting it gradually anyway, because you speak of your felt sense....fear, vulnerability, feeling overwhelmed, etc.. My own view at this time might be to remind you that your skin is the largest organ in your body and that it is very much something that protects us from the outside world and the elements. So in a sense it could be that you are emotionally flashbacking to experience yourself having your protection overwhelmed and overcome by a traumatic event or chain of traumatic events. I think the darkness may also be significant, it could relate to many things. Situations and outcomes of situations can be and feel dark and darkness can also represent the Jungian concept of the shadow or shadow self, also attachment to the darker emotions of fear and un-known/ un-willing territory, etc..

I hope that you can find some phenomenological understanding from what I have said. Best wishes on your journey.

 

[sillybearmama]

Thank you all for your responses, I really appreciate getting your thoughts about what I experienced. It's very helpful to me to get the perspective of others on this same journey as me.

You said you realized what was happening....what did you realize was happening?? If you realize this then somewhere inside something like this has happened to you before.

Rain,

I would liken it to moments I have where I was asleep and felt like I was falling or being swallowed up by darkness and jolted awake. I almost wonder if it wasn't my subconcious trying to bring the same memory forward just when I was closer to a concious state? That may be why the feeling was familiar because I've felt this way before when being startled awake.

Thank you for the reminder to be gentle with myself, I tend to expect a lot of myself and have a hard time taking my time and not expecting results right now! I have to remember that the process of healing from my trauma is a long one.

Nomad,

Your thoughts make a lot of sense to me, it does seem that it could have been my feelings related to my abuse coming to the surface slowly as I work toward a deeper understanding of what I survived. I have some memories of my abuse but not a great deal, I do have a feeling that some of the darker things are what I have blocked out and that is what was trying to come up. Perhaps this was similar to a "body memory" which I have experienced once before in discussing extreme physical trauma I suffered at the hands of my father when I was under the age of 2. My body remembered the feelings I had even though there were no sights/sounds/words associated with the memory.

Thank you for the book suggestion, I will look into that. I like the idea of being able to act out defending yourself how you would have during your trauma, even though it isn't hard or quick. It seems like that would be very empowering.

Aftfulone,

I have read your post a couple of times to understand it as fully as I can. :) I think I have an understanding of what you are saying. I agree with the idea of an emotional flashback, not that I saw the moment as one might think of in a flashback but that my feelings were were they were in the moment of trauma. This makes sense to me, it also makes sense to me what you are saying about the 'family of selves'. I really like that idea, that there are many different selves contained within us and they are at different points in our lives especially related to our trauma. It really makes sense to me when you put it that way. Thank you very much for your thoughtful and thought provoking response.

Again thank you all for your responses they are greatly appreciated. I wish you all peace and happiness today.