I'm scared I will never be able to tell someone everything

[Mach123]

I don't know how often I've read and written on this subject. It never gets old. I've been thinking in terms of my recent past, my last breakdown lol. That was just another stage of life.

Since this started for me at my earliest memories and has continued till now (there are things I don't remember still as the OP said), I've been working on "telling everything" since then. I didn't know anything was wrong then except don't get caught and don't tell.

Now I'm 61. I'm still doing it. I'm still trying to sort it all out. Tell it all so it'll all be fixed or healed and I'll get some sort of peace. It's not unusual or strange at all. The voice that says don't tell in my mind is the really dangerous one.

It's a very long process maybe not for everyone, it has been for me.

 

[katz]

I'm also scared about why I feel I want to. I have always been really avoidant and shut down (even when having intrusive memories/flashbacks/nightmares/panic) I haven't been able to verbalise things and the shame has been so strong that the idea of telling someone is awful.
I've been doing some different things trying to ground myself etc recently and especially working on compassion and now I am feeling terrified that I will never have the chance to tell someone everything and that no one will know all the things (which to be honest I won't because I think there are things I don't remember).

It is such a weird shift for me to have gone from not wanting to ever tell anyone to having this intense feeling of wanting to. I can't make sense of it.
It's like I want to be heard or a younger part of me wants to be heard (using the term 'part' loosely) but also I am still terrified of everything breaking if I talk.
But then I sort of want to tell my story and just have someone know the things I know.
And I am really scared of it being dismissed.

Is this unusual or strange?

Have you tried writing it out? This way you can stop if you need to - if it gets to be too much for you. Then you will always know that your story has been told. You could then decide if you want to let anyone read it.

 

[katz]

This is all so much for me to hear. I actually did tell - and got yelled at. So, it will be extra hard to tell anyone anything. Yet, I want so much to be heard. For someone out there to know what actually happened. But I have no one yet to tell it to - or trust with this information..