SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I don't even have the energy to say it.
But something hard is happening this week that may extend months- but the worst is the coming 2 weeks.
And it's already serious enough without additions on it. And the anxiety is already peak.
But then, trying to work through it, it actually triggered everything I went though for months last year. Which was caused by my anxiety and lack of coping, therefore, I always took as a bad consequence rather than actual trauma. Surprise! It can somehow be both. Now I'm getting swallowed by guilt, shame, anxiety, panic, memories... I talked to chatgpt, I tried making a plan, I tried relaxing for the night, I still felt ok for few hours, and then woke up from horiffic nightmares. A lot of the time I don't want to get up and it takes me multiple alarms. I just finally did something good on Saturday to improve things, and then this situation hit and the trigger is just breaking me.
And it brings up so many fears that I never recovered, or ruined cerain part of my life in ways I can't fix. And I have always been the person to think, I'll find a way, and when there isn't, I'll try something else, and something else, and again. I'll rebuild. It will get better. It's getting to a point where I'm seriously wondering if that is true. And if I have one more person tell me how bad I've screwed up and I should just give up everything I ever knew, I'll lose it. I'm already killing myself with guilt and shame. It really isn't the sort of situation where you can allow yourself the luxury of having no motivation. I've been at this for so long trying things, and it's always another week, always another hit, I'm exhausted. I'm pathetically wishing something would make my life easier. I keep making plans, I keep barely getting through weeks, I keep waking with multiple alarms and needing 2 hours after waking up to get to being able to face the day. In the heat of anxiety I kept dropping things to make my time easier, no writing a book I may never publish, no working out when I should be applying for jobs, no social time when it takes me half a day to go anywhere to meet anyone and I can't afford it... No thinking of the fact that I have no insuranse nor can I afford certain appointments for a while... but then I just end up isolated in reality I don't like with nothing to look forward to, obsessing over every fear and how little I am improving. I lost faith last year too, and that doesn't help. I just need something to be better and every time it slips through my fingers. Sometime last year I decided SH wasn't worth the turmoil and didn't solve anything, and I stopped daydreaming of it. But lately I wonder if that was right. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams over the situation now, and I'm not even touching so many major things I can't work on right now. And meanwhile things are just not better. This was the week, next week, when I finish one debt I have been trying to fix for a YEAR. It wasn't huge for some people but in this situation- it was. And it was high pressure one. I'm supposed to feel good it will be one less thing. But instead something else to fear hit this week and my non-existed motivation took even worse dive down. I just don't know where to find the hope that I haven't ruined my life for so long that it's beyong repair....
But something hard is happening this week that may extend months- but the worst is the coming 2 weeks.
And it's already serious enough without additions on it. And the anxiety is already peak.
But then, trying to work through it, it actually triggered everything I went though for months last year. Which was caused by my anxiety and lack of coping, therefore, I always took as a bad consequence rather than actual trauma. Surprise! It can somehow be both. Now I'm getting swallowed by guilt, shame, anxiety, panic, memories... I talked to chatgpt, I tried making a plan, I tried relaxing for the night, I still felt ok for few hours, and then woke up from horiffic nightmares. A lot of the time I don't want to get up and it takes me multiple alarms. I just finally did something good on Saturday to improve things, and then this situation hit and the trigger is just breaking me.
And it brings up so many fears that I never recovered, or ruined cerain part of my life in ways I can't fix. And I have always been the person to think, I'll find a way, and when there isn't, I'll try something else, and something else, and again. I'll rebuild. It will get better. It's getting to a point where I'm seriously wondering if that is true. And if I have one more person tell me how bad I've screwed up and I should just give up everything I ever knew, I'll lose it. I'm already killing myself with guilt and shame. It really isn't the sort of situation where you can allow yourself the luxury of having no motivation. I've been at this for so long trying things, and it's always another week, always another hit, I'm exhausted. I'm pathetically wishing something would make my life easier. I keep making plans, I keep barely getting through weeks, I keep waking with multiple alarms and needing 2 hours after waking up to get to being able to face the day. In the heat of anxiety I kept dropping things to make my time easier, no writing a book I may never publish, no working out when I should be applying for jobs, no social time when it takes me half a day to go anywhere to meet anyone and I can't afford it... No thinking of the fact that I have no insuranse nor can I afford certain appointments for a while... but then I just end up isolated in reality I don't like with nothing to look forward to, obsessing over every fear and how little I am improving. I lost faith last year too, and that doesn't help. I just need something to be better and every time it slips through my fingers. Sometime last year I decided SH wasn't worth the turmoil and didn't solve anything, and I stopped daydreaming of it. But lately I wonder if that was right. I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams over the situation now, and I'm not even touching so many major things I can't work on right now. And meanwhile things are just not better. This was the week, next week, when I finish one debt I have been trying to fix for a YEAR. It wasn't huge for some people but in this situation- it was. And it was high pressure one. I'm supposed to feel good it will be one less thing. But instead something else to fear hit this week and my non-existed motivation took even worse dive down. I just don't know where to find the hope that I haven't ruined my life for so long that it's beyong repair....
