@Megyn, Im glad your mom validates some of it for you. My family is one b...
I think it will pass, I mean you surpassed the toughest hardest part already, right? You never thought you'd be here, in this mindset today. I'm sorry to hear your mom passed, for the residual pain it's caused and triggers etc.
I was getting better, or so I thought, no, I guess I was. Then my mom moved with me for maybe 2-3 years. I had a terrible panic attack in the first couple months of her being here. I was curled up on my bed, crying, and she stood in the doorway, like Joan Crawford might, and said, "there's nothing I can do to help you", and walked away. That told me right there it wasn't "safe" to continue, emotionally, in therapy. For those cpl yrs, I stalled. When she left? BAM! It was fb after fb after fb, and pretty much has been for 3 yrs. I was able, eventually, to have some boundaries with her. Long story short, I'd always focused on my dad's abuse because his was so overt. I saw a book in the library called "How to deal with Cruel, ..." I can't remember the rest but it was about ppl with destructive narcissism. There were 20 traits they described and my mom had 17. I was in complete shock. I literally had no clue my mother's emotional abuse was as insidious as it was, shit, I never thought she was abusive. I thought of her as a victim. Even tho I'd get terribly angry at her, I thought it was because she was "weak". Nope. She's bad. So manipulative, so underhanded aND if you call her out on her behavior, she can be downright cruel or revert to 3 yr old temper tantrums, incl balling her fists up and squeezing her eyes tight and yelling at you. All these years she'd say we didn't have a "good relationship" because I was so sensitive, she had to walk on eggshells around me, etc. I BELIEVED that. I can also in hindsight see the things she did to me as a child as being utterly cruel.
When I was 12, we had moved to a new, even smaller town, in the woods on a cpl of acres. While the cult stuff stopped, my dad's alcoholism worsened as did his emotional, verbal, physical, sexual abuse, not in "quantity" but in "quality". If he wasn't raging, we were always waiting for him to start.
Anyways, my life was a bit better. I'd made friends, something I never had in my old town- I was such a target for bullying, etc. So, I was going to this church with a new friends family. There was a Halloween dance, pretty pathetic all in all as there were maybe 10 kids there, tops. I didn't have a costume, as usual, because even tho we had lots of money, my parents wouldn't "waste" it on something like that. I was freaking out about what I could dress up as. There was a boy at church I had a crush on, and he liked me too. My GOD that was a first. Do you know what she decided to dress me up as? What she thought was a "grand idea"? Gypsy Rose Lee. A f*cking stripper. To a church dance. THAT was the power of my mom's abuse.
Lol, the only reason she will suddenly "remember" stuff is cuz we live 3000 miles away from each other and she knows I'll get mad and not talk to her which KILLS her cuz she NEED to control me, put me down* but she can't anymore :)
*This reminded me: when she was here, she'd tell me everything I did "wrong" as a mother, how I let them walk all over me cuz I'm "afraid" of them and even said when my children didn't wish HER a happy mothers day (ugh, that was a really bad day) that my kids were rude and inconsiderate. She'd always try to "correct" my parenting, for which I would say to her, (yes, I cld stand up to her when it came to my kids), "these are my children, I'll parent them as I see fit, you HAD your chance already." Anyways, one of my son's was having a difficult time with something after she left. At first I talked to her somewhat regularly so she knew about the issue at hand. She said, "darling, you are a SAINT of a mother!" plus more but jesus christ I cldnt help but lmfao at that one at first... I mean, REALLY!
