I'm The Problem

[Kb3]

I've had some time to reflect on what happened the other day and there seems to be two things. One is that I had to take my kids to the dentist and that is very triggering for me. It's specific to my most recent trauma.

The other thing that is happening is that my youngest daughter is roughly the same age as I was when I was abused by my grandfather. Her normal four year old behavior is setting me off constantly and looking back I can see that the same thing happened with my two older children at the same age.

I'm doing some very intense work with my therapist right now and it involves me accepting my abused younger self. I really don't want to though; she is a liability. So much of my anger and self hatred stems from this rejection, and the only way that I am going to get better is by learning to love and accept her.

I really detest therapy talk and referring to myself in the third person, but in this case it is the only language that adequately describes what I am trying to do. A little girl split off from me when I was three or four and I have to bring her back in to be whole.

In the meantime I have to limit the potential damage that I can inflict on my family until I work through this problem. Writing on this forum seems to be very useful between therapy appointments. Thank you to everyone for your advice and support earlier this week, it really helped me.

 

[James B.]

Thank you to everyone for your advice and support earlier this week, it really helped me.

Eat, I never had kids so i can't really know, but please know that as horrible and as totally sucky as this stuff may make you feel, I (and others) can relate. And I believe it gets better. The mire seems horrendous. if i could think of a better idea than dealing w/ it, I would say so...until then...recovery sucks (in a way) too. But - there's no choice that we know of...

And, it really does get better. We learn (sink or swim!!!) or else...(or so it seems). Good job writing it out, Eat.

 

[Stormy Eagle]

I understand exactly how you feel, my situation is very similar. I actually moved in with my mother 3 years ago when my daughter was 10 - which was a very bad idea since my mother was one of my abusers - and have become a worthless sod. My only function in my 13 year old's life is as a nanny, since my mother (the old bat, I call her) calls all the shots. I have no say in what goes on in our lives...and I don't work...I feel completely worthelss. I feel like I fill my child with anxiety too.

When my daughter was 5 - the year my physical abuse escalated and I remember my sexual abuse very clearly - I became very triggered too. I am actually just starting to feel better about her safety now that she is 13, but the older she got the safer I felt.

 

[kimberley dawn]

I can so relate to what you're saying, eat! You took your education and everything was just fine... now it's been as if you can't do more that wat is absolutly necessary and feel like a burden.

When I'm not hit hard with ptsd ( I've been up and down a few times) I love reading thick books, pass my time doing some math i find on the net as I love numbers, make some cross-words etc. Now I can't even read what's written in here if the sentances are too long! Can't control my money, living on credit, and being a pain in the but for those few that dare cross my path.

Fight your way back up! Use this place and a good T! Find that poor little girl inside Eat0429 and look at her as the child she IS. You know you can do lots of stuff for yourself and your family, you've already proven it! Good for you!! :)

And your children has YOU there to look after them, so they sure are lucky compared to that little girl Eat0429! You may have to hit rock bottom first, but you'll be up again! Just NEVER give up! :)

 

[Kb3]

I have no say in what goes on in our lives...and I don't work...I feel completely worthelss. I feel like I fill my child with anxiety too.

I'm sorry that you have no control over what happens on your life, that is something that makes me feel terrible and lasted many years after I had stopped living with my family. It's like their oppressive anxiety and need for control became an inbuilt landscape for me and when they were not physically around to criticise me I would do it for them. Still do (see first post) at times! Even though my husband is nothing like that it's hard for me to relax because I am just waiting for him to turn around and say that I'm not pulling my weight and that I'm not worth it. The fact that he has been loyal and patient with me for over fifteen years seems to make no difference to me when I start thinking that way:(.

I certainly know what you mean when you say that you worry about how your own anxiety is affecting your daughter. It's so hard sometimes isn't it:(.

Thanks for writing, hope things get better for you.

 

[Kb3]

Thanks Kimberley Dawn, your words are very kind. I'm very sorry that you have had similar experiences.

I hope that we are both able to get to a place where our symptoms don't interfere with our lives so much, but in the meantime, thank you so much for your support.

 

[Kb3]

It's the night before the anniversary of my most recent trauma and after feeling pretty good for most of the day, things are now starting to slip.

I've been reading triggering news stories, arguing with my kids, resenting my husband, because of course he doesn't remember, and it will annoy him if I bring it up. Essentially I'm dreading something that already happened. How bizarre, but I guess that's PTSD for you.

I have a few different plans lined up for tomorrow and if I don't feel like doing any of them I've decided that it's ok to stay in bed for most of it. I really don't care if anyone thinks I'm being lazy or have a negative attitude.

I imagine I'll be on here a lot.:rolleyes:

 

[Ted Moen]

Nothing quite like anniversaries. Christmas Eve 1967 I was caught in a truce violation. At midnight the enemy opened fire on us, but we weren't allowed to fire back. A very helpless feeling; considerable anger at the institutions and people who initiated and enforced the one-sided truce on us. Christmas Eve brings intense thoughts and feelings along with a good deal of muscle tension every year. Add a wife 5-6 years into alztimers and a mother with alztimers staying with us through the holidays and the muscle tension built to severe lower back spasms throughout the week or so. But my wife and mom had a good holiday so it was worth living with the pain. It was a good holiday season for me. I let myself enjoy the giving and sharing. Now it's over and the muscle tension is receding and I was even able to jog a couple of miles today, so I guess I'm good until the end of January (next set of anniversaries) now :rolleyes:

It's nice to have a place to chat about stuff :whistling:

Ted

 

[freakofnurture]

At the root of it all is hatred for myself.

Yes, hatred. But it's not your hatred.

I don't know if this idea is helpful for you, but it helped me big time:

The hatred you are feeling isn't really your feeling. It's an introjection of your abusers. It is their hatred that they hammered into your head like a nail. And now it sticks there, and you are so used to it that you think it's yours. But it isn't.

See the hatred as something alien, an evil transplant that you have to deactivate. Stop feeding it. Stop believing it. Stop continuing the abuse against yourself.

Concerning your kids: There are some easy things you can do for them: Tell them the real reason for your more extreme behaviours, maybe in an age appropriately censored version. Then tell them what they can do when you fly off the handle; give them the ability to be active, show them how they can protect themselves, tell them how to recognise if you are triggered, tell them how to interpret your actions.

Lying to them will do more bad than good. Children need to understand what's really going on around them; if they don't, they'll make up their own explanations, and those will always involve something along the lines of 'It's my fault that mom does X; but I am helpless and can't do anything about it'.

Don't give up on yourself :)

 

[Kb3]

Christmas Eve 1967 I was caught in a truce violation. At midnight the enemy opened fire on us, but we weren't allowed to fire back. A very helpless feeling; considerable anger at the institutions and people who initiated and enforced the one-sided truce on us.

I am so sorry that you were betrayed that way, and were so helpless to protect yourself. Thank you for your sacrifice.

Add a wife 5-6 years into alztimers and a mother with alztimers staying with us through the holidays and the muscle tension built to severe lower back spasms throughout the week or so.

That sounds really, really difficult and you have my sympathies. It's amazing how our bodies hold on to stress. I'm glad that the tension has passed for the time being, and that you are able to feel better.

It's nice to have a place to chat about stuff :whistling:

Yes. :) Very nice. Thank you Ted, and good luck at the end of January, I'll be thinking of you.

Yes, hatred. But it's not your hatred.

No, I realize that now. I had carried other people's hatred for a long time, but I don't need to anymore. Now I am free.

Concerning your kids: There are some easy things you can do for them: Tell them the real reason for your more extreme behaviours, maybe in an age appropriately censored version.

I have thought of doing this, but was afraid of frightening them. Maybe it is more frightening to them to not understand why I struggle so much at times though.

Don't give up on yourself:)

Never.:)

Thank you.

 

[Srain]

I was just thinking about you this morning, Eat. I have been so wrapped up in my own garbage. The other morning before I went to what must be my hundredth therapist for the millionth time, I was wondering why I was feeling so unhappy and upset with myself, only wanting to go back to bed for the rest of the day. I have more than I ever had, with a man who deserves better, and I can't seem to get out of my head. I came home feeling hope, heard, and like I really am going get further.

I was thinking of you because I've been in such a bad place and you have been such a HUGE help to me when it has been so rough. I split from myself as well at such a young age and achieved as much as could until the traumas caught up with me then I was simply unable to continue. You are now in a different place to address to your traumas. More informed, better therapy options out there.

BTW, as you know, you ARE working, you are raising a family, it doesn't get any harder than that. I liked the idea of sharing what you are going through, the edited version. I believe their may even be books about it sharing it with children, I know they have them out about sharing Bipolar with children of parents with the illness so I have no doubt there may be some out by now for those of us who suffer with PTSD. It can be as simple as, "Mommy is dealing with an illness right now and she is working to get better.." along those lines. I'm not quite sure. Of course, it's a personal decision.

Most of all I just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts :)
(((((((((hugs)))))))))))
Peace,
Rain

 

[freakofnurture]

No, I realize that now. I had carried other people's hatred for a long time, but I don't need to anymore. Now I am free.

I'm happy to hear that. It's a big and important step :)

Maybe it is more frightening to them to not understand why I struggle so much at times though.

I'd think so, too. They are already frightened, you can't make that any worse for them. But you can take their self-blame away and reduce their feeling of helplessness. I'm sure they'll be thrilled to learn how to help you, and how much you worry that you might have harmed them. Be vulnerable for them. They might become your allies in your fight for recovery.