I'm "too Hard"

[Sideways]

@joeylittle - yeah, she threatened me with an ITO (involuntary treatment order - ie they lock you up & you lose control of your treatment completely). After my initial freak, I decided that was actually helpful. Essentially she's saying that my head is so far from rational on this issue that I can't be trusted with my own safety. That's pretty powerful- I can't trust my own mind on this issue. She also reiterated the old Narcissism (type 2!) diagnosis- that my self-concept is so way off that it qualifies as Delusional.

If nothing else, it gives me pause - they're really not kidding round with how seriously dangerous my "normal" behaviour is. You can't hear that stuff within being effected by it.

 

[anthony]

I'm very diligent when it comes to doing homework...I just don't seem to be any good at it!!

Do you write down your negative beliefs when thought, and then counter them with the positive alternative you have discovered?

I'm assuming you have, as this is very basic CBT now, and you stated you're doing CBT and DBT.

 

[Sideways]

Oh yeah - I can totally nail how warped my beliefs are.
Is every child born innocent? Sure...'cept me.
Do I really believe, that of the 6 billion people on this planet, I'm the one exception? Well, I can see that it's illogical, but yeah, absolutely believe that.
Knowing that CSA typically leaves children believing they have an innate "badness", do I still believe that this is not just a classic CSA symptom? Totally. I am the one exception to the rule. Anyone else thinking these things about themself I'd be horrified, and quickly link it to coping strategies they used as a child to make sense of an abnormal situation.

But me? In my head, I really am the one exception to the rule.

 

[joeylittle]

But me? In my head, I really am the one exception to the rule.

That's OK. What you need to do is the writing it out and challenging it, even if at the end of the thought record your belief has only budged by 1% - it's still budged. Honestly, it can take tons of time. But it does work.

I know there's some science that backs this up - the process of writing and challenging the thought (straight-up CBT) is not nearly as effective without taking the time to do the steps. So, even though you might feel like you can short-cut it in your head, don't, because you're not fully engaging in the process that way, and you won't reap the full benefits.

 

[Sideways]

My inner lawyer requires that I write my homework down...and date it...and file it in the file that belongs to whichever therapist the homework relates to! Sometimes I go to the length of reading it back to myself out loud, because apparently using as many input passages as possible helps you learn stuff quicker, although reading it aloud sometimes isn't worth the trauma involved of hearing the words out loud!

I haven't officially been diagnosed with OCD yet, just in case you were wondering!!

 

[ladee]

I do apologize for the way I said what @joeylittle and @anthony said.... but basically it's the same thing... you have had some serious wake up calls Ragdoll... Just time to go to another level.... not easy at all, but doable... Please do what it takes, please !!:inlove:

 

[anthony]

You didn't answer my question.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Ragdoll Circus
I have read some very insightful things written by you so don't believe anyone who says you are not "fixable"
I don't know about PTSD being cured but I believe it can be managed well enough to have joyful moments and to feel gratitude for the simple things like the warm rays of the sun on your face.. You have survived some terrible things you are not broke or damaged beyond repair. We are all a little cracked it makes us different. Different is not good or bad to just different. Don't give up.. Keep writing it helps.

 

[Sideways]

@anthony - sorry, my head's all over the shop.

I kept an "ABC" thought diary for a psychologist for a while - that'd be a few years back now. It ended up getting to be too frustrating for me. I can usually counter my negative beliefs with something neutral, if not positive. But when I do, the replacement belief stays in the intellectual part of my brain and on a good day I dismiss it as irrelevant (no amount of good stuff will ever make up for my inate badness).

Most times though, I get angry at myself for allowing good/neutral thoughts in. My head is very clear that I don't deserve to feel good about myself, and anything positive is missing the essential point, which is I'm a ***€*#%{£|€|¥¥}€{^}*#¥ (lots of very nasty MA15+ rated words).

I don't think I passed that exercise, but we did end up abandoning it after, on one particularly bad day, I got a big red marker and wrote "Sl*t" on every page of the book I'd written on.

 

[Sideways]

I think one of my big issues with 'allowing' positive thoughts is that I associate that with pride. Pride is a big no-no. My abuser was very clear that pride was unacceptable because it would interfere with me fulfilling my purpose.

To that end, I periodichad lessons that were

 

[Sideways]

...exclusively devoted to "helping me overcome my pride" (essentially just me being sexually humiliated for lengths of time).

If I start allowing positive thoughts in, that's too close to having pride. And pride is the enemy for me. It makes tolerating even benign compliments quite difficult.

 

[anthony]

My head is very clear that I don't deserve to feel good about myself

Have you done a simple exercise using this statement, basically the counter of this, printed out on A4 pages and stick it all around your home, everywhere you look / have to look in the course of your normal day, you want to also see something along the lines of: "I am free to feel good about myself."

Nothing complicated, nothing long, short, sharp, to the point, and start at the basics. Have you ever done that?

It works.

Based on things you have said above, I get the impression you've been trying to intervene in your thoughts at far more complicated levels. You have to have the basic foundations fixed in your mind in order to use them for the more complicated negative beliefs. Nobody can just start at the complicated, it is a recipe for failure every time because the foundation is still f*cked up.

What has happened to you, in essence, being brainwashed with bullshit to serve another's purpose, was built from a foundation. Not even negative beliefs are built from the complicated... because the brain would reject them, even as a child. Abusers always start of simple and progressively increase the abuse, that way you become conditioned. Pretty sure you know this. So... changing is the same. You can't tear it down, you can only replace it, and you have to start at the bottom and work upwards again, because the foundation is too strong with the bullshit thoughts.

If you attempt to revert any complicated negative thought, it will fail because the foundation is still strong.

So... even before jumping into the above, is the above the foundation? Or is there a more basic thought that you first feel must change? You know you best...