I'm Trying To Discover Why I Cut...

[Graygoose]

I am trying to uncover the truth behind my own cutting. If I express my ideas, maybe someone can help me understand and in turn this can help someone else.

I cut. I am not sure of the reason, but I have these ideas in mind:

• Control
• Addiction
• Comfort
• Depression
• Fear/Anxiety
• Didn't Learn Coping Mechanisms

Control

I may cut because it helps me feel that I can control the direction of my life, in this scenario there may be suicidal implications. I don't think I'm suicidal though.

Addiction

I started out cutting at a young age and because I had no ability to cope I quickly made it my method. I become stressed when I don't cut.

Comfort

This may be part of everything, but I do know that when I see my scars, I know I want them. They make me know I am myself. I wouldn't give them up for anything.

Depression

I don't feel as depressed anymore, or at least I don't think I do... Maybe I really am and in that case the stereotypical answers for cutting may provide insight.

Fear or Anxiety

I cut because I fear the future and I can forget the future if I focus on the pain and the scars. I become anxious about everything, I may even be paranoid. But cutting helps, for whatever reason, I have no clue.

Coping
I developed PTSD when I was around 5, I never had anyone to teach me otherwise. Cutting may be the only thing that works now.

=====================

I'm not looking for reason why I shouldn't cut, I'm trying to understand my psychology. I would enjoy it if you give your insight and possible fixes. Thank you.

 

[NutritionNerd]

It can be biochemical in nature as well. The production of natural endorphins may be what you're seeking. Attached is a very good article on Self Harm and Suicidality by Janina Fisher - it and others are available at her website as well. This paper was very helpful for me to understand my husband's suicide attempt.

 

[maddog]

Firstly, let me give a ringing endorsement to the Janina Fisher paper, and to all of her papers available on her website. I found them all to be fantastic, very practical and easy to read yet informative, so would thoroughly recommend them to anyone.

I too find a need to intellectually and psychologically master the phenomenon of cutting in order to try to accept and rationalise its presence in my life. I suspect there may be a strong element of truth in each of the reasons you have already come up with. I know that for me, cutting is also about the transformation or interpretation of emotional pain into a physical manifestation or outlet which is inherently easier for me to understand and to process than the emotional equivalent. At a basic level, physical pain and discomfort make sense. If you hurt yourself just a little bit, it will hurt just a little bit. If you hurt yourself more badly, it will hurt more badly, etc. A physical wound will be raw for a while, but will then follow a fairly reliable and logical process of healing and ultimately disappearing, either completely or leaving the residue of a mere scarr. There is something very soothing in the methodical, unchangeable logic of these facts, when compared to the completely incomprehensible quagmire of emotional distress that often feels totoally insurmountable to me.

On some level I think cutting can be a cry for help, though perhaps only in a very dissociated secondary sort of way. I also relate strongly to the need for control, and over time, to the simple fact of learned behavioural association and habit, where a behaviour that has brought some relief in the past becomes more strongly and routinely relied upon to do the same in the future.

Thanks for bringing this topic so into the open. For reasons which partly have their origin in my own abuse, cutting has long been a source of absolutely intense, almost phobic, shame and terror for me, made worse by my ebbing and flowing very strong compulsions to engage in it. Many people feel terrible shame and stigma, and it's healthy for all of us to know that it really is a coping and self expression behaviour like so many others, but one which we should all try to control as much as possible. Afterall, I reckon we've all been hurt enough in the past, yeah?

Maddog