I'm Upset About My BF's Mom's Death

[sigh]

I posted about my bf's mom's death several days ago and got some really nice responses. But, like any death, it's NOT OVER.

I have freaked him out every single day with my PTSD-ish reaction to her death. I never mourned my recent death in the family--my father has no emotions and I think my brother has three--and I am conflating the two deaths into one big session of mourning.

I went all out with the crying and told my 48 yr old bf with 6 kids that the only reason I wanted to exist was to be a mom and have my own children and raise them and that has been taken away from me (this is something I've been working on long and hard in therapy). He does not need a sobbing gasping girlfriend. :stupid:

Last night, I get a migraine so bad that I am sobbing and sobbing and can neither read nor write nor do anything. I go to the ER and he leaves. I DONT BLAME him!!!. He doesn't want to be in an ER. I just freaked him out because I'm highly caffeinated right now and the door slammed shut from the wind and I was on the phone and he thought it was me! Things ARE NOT GOING WELL!!!!!:eek:

I am not good with this. Every day it's like I'm having a new drama. I'm trying to keep myself calm for his sake, but I'm blowing that all the time. I don't know what to do. Tomorrow will be spent again like this. Mon, I have an interim therapist who is helping me. And I'm spending the day with Mom and G-ma. I am NOT GOOD. He IS BAD. I have no way to help him. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!. HELP!!! I am drowning in my sorrows and well, like the song goes, they've all learned to swim.
:poke:

and I'm in this mixed state to top it off (for those of you who don't know, thats having characteristics of both mania and depression at the same time)..

lalala
s.
:wall:

 

[Deleted member 541]

Although I feel bad that you are going through all of this, I am quite confused as to exactly what you expect from the forum, and it's members.......

 

[sigh]

Hi She Cat.

You are right to say that.

I don't know. How do people demonstrate their emotions without going over the top?? How do people talk in a reasonable way when all they want to do is sob? How do people get along when they can hardly speak at all?

I don't know death very well. He has not come to me. I have been lucky in that sense.
I don't know what to say to my loved one??? I feel as if I cannot comfort him. I got him a coffee..... I am so sad, but how do you be sad and strong? I do not know.

I am looking for suggestions.

What do you need to do when someone dies (like bank, etc.) PM me please, let me know the list of things to do. We don't know. We are lost.
What do I do?

I feel so lost.
I'm looking for a map.

s.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Sigh,

Death isn't easy at all. It's just plain hard. It sucks, it's awful, and although we all say the words, I'm sorry for your loss, I'm so sorry, ect. They are just words, and can only offer so much.

Grieving is as individual, as everyone that goes through it. There is no one way to do it, with no set of guide lines. it is done the best way that you can. Which ever way that is.

You cry, you remember, you hurt, you move forward and then the next day you go back 2 steps and start all over again..... Just try and be yourself, and do what you feel that you need to do. If it upsets your boyfriend, then possibly go for a walk by yourself, to be alone. If you have a diary here, I suggest that you write your feelings there, as it might help you to sort things out better.....

As far as what you should do for him...Just be there for him....

 

[NomadHeart]

Sigh

I understand how it feels it be completely tangled in a bad mixed state, have your life fall apart on you, and feel as though no one is truly listening to what you are saying. Thus when you reach out to them, they do not give the answers you are looking for. And when asked what it is exactly that you are looking for, you are at a loss for explanation.

From where I stand with my C-PTSD and other psychological conditions, the main reason I feel this way is the result of a part of me that is still childlike. This stems from severe trauma and abuse as a child, and not being able to cognitively develop appropriately and/or accordingly like my fellow peers. Thus the child part of me is reaching out for the nurturing comfort that is unattainable at my age in respect to the supports I can reach out to. I hope this makes sense, and maybe you can relate this concept to your situation. Even though I understand this, it does not make it easy when looking for that support.

The loss of your boyfriends mother has evidently triggered some high emotions in you. And right now it is near impossible for either of you to be there for each other in a healthy way. You both have too much grieving and emotions to work through. Plus adjusting to this loss. Which can take days, weeks, months or even years. I think its wonderful that you are seeing a therapist during this time. I would suggest seeing if you can increase your sessions so that you won't be stuck at home with too many thoughts and no one to talk to about this.

Though my situation has different factors, my ptsd is at an all time high, while my boyfriend is experiencing severe care giver burnout and major depression at the moment. I will soon be leaving him for a minimum of 4 months while I recieve IP treatment for my Eating Disorder and PTSD. Though we love each other dearly and have committed to rebuilding the relationship, we are currently taking time apart (physically) so we can mentally rebuild ourselves. I am not aware of your relationship status and ability to create some space until both of your emotions balance out and you have more clarity on the situation, but I would suggest something along those lines.

The space may help both of you independently heal while knowing that you are still there for each other. This is also allowing you both to be stronger for the other. As they say you can't care for someone else until you take care of yourself first.

Sorry for making this post a book, but I hope it helps you somewhat. My thoughts are with you at this time. You can make it through this.

~Namaste~

 

[zoe]

Sigh,

I agree with She Cat... it is exactly as she says.

Zoe

 

[NomadHeart]

What do you need to do when someone dies (like bank, etc.) PM me please, let me know the list of things to do. We don't know. We are lost.
What do I do?

I feel so lost.
I'm looking for a map.

It's me again. *blushes* sorry for having so much to say, this post just really touched me. I'm new, so I can't access my PM options yet, thus I can't do this privately, but I have a few suggestions. Some may seem silly, and some may seem good, they are just things that have worked for me before.

~ write 3 letters:
1)your bf's mom telling her how her loss has affected you. write from your heart too, it's ok.

2)your emotions. let them be acknowledged. it's hard to allow your feelings to be validated when you are scared of them. but they are here for a reason, so let them know you are allowing them to be felt and then respond to your reaction to that.

3)your boyfriend. telling him how you would like to be there for him, how you would show that. anything you wish you could tell him ..just write it down.

These letters do not have to be seen by anyone but you if you choose to keep them private. After you release these thoughts, you can burn these letters, throw them away, bury them, Give them some sort of ceremonial release to symbolize your internal release of them.

~Candle Vigil

Hold a candle vigil (by yourself, with your bf, with your family) in honor of your bfs mother. Try to vocalize some of the good memories with her. Her qualities.

I hope these ideas help you, or spark some other ideas to help you through this time. Again, my apologies for the long replies, I just want to help if I can.

 

[sigh]

I do not have a diary here. I do not have enough posts to have a blog. I do not know how to have a diary otherwise.

Thanks guys. It does help a lot to hear your words.

 

[kers]

You can write in a diary at home. Find a piece of paper and write everything in your head down on the paper. Many times, expressing emotions that way can be very helpful, like releasing a pressure valve.

It sounds like you have two questions: how can you support your bf's grief, and how can you navigate your own grief. Both are tough tasks. I can't say what every person might need, but immediately after the death of a parent, I needed my loved ones to sit with me and listen to what I needed to express. I needed them to help me plan the funeral. I needed them to take over minor tasks because I couldn't concentrate. No one could take my suffering away, but they could be there beside me while I endured it.

 

[sigh]

he doesn't even know what to do with the "estate" (she had dementia and was in assisted living)

 

[anthony]

I have changed the title of this as it has nothing to do with this forum.

Condolences for the loved ones of the deceased.

 

[Mina]

I'm really sorry for your loss, Sigh. :Hug_emoticon:

I do not have a diary here. I do not have enough posts to have a blog. I do not know how to have a diary otherwise.

You can start your own diary by beginning a new thread under one of the subforums under Trauma Diaries. It may be a great place to begin working through some of the emotional overload you are experiencing, as well as your own past traumas. You may even find some pretty strong links between your traumas and some of what you're feeling now.

Also, you will likely find better information on the practical "what to do" regarding finances, accounts, etc. on a grief forum or by searching via Google. Here is one link with a few basic suggestions: http://www.inthelighturns.com/4-four-steps-losing-loved-one.html
You may also consider joining a grief forum to connect with others who understand what you are experiencing and can better support you in the process.