I'm Worried About Relapsing With My Eating Disorder

[Muruluisku]

Since telling the therapy assessor on Tuesday about the main parts of my abuse I've really struggled with my eating :(

I've been trying to play my accordion a bit more to keep distracted. It makes me feel safer when I play my music. I think music is my saviour in many ways, but I'm not sure if it helps with this....

I got an opportunity to escape and move away from my sexually abusive dad when I was 16, thanks to my music. There was a music college an hour and a half drive away from mum&dad's. It was a sixth form/high school, where students would study normal school subjects as well as music and complete A-levels/exams in preparation for further education like university. I applied and got in, and because it was far enough, I got to move out and live in student accommodation. My flat mates were lovely and I settled in well.

Once I was out of mum&dad's my weight plummeted. There was no-one telling me what to eat and how much, and I embraced that feeling of control by choosing not to eat. Nobody would tell me what to put in my mouth (his d*ck or other stuff) anymore! I felt good, full of energy and less disgusted with myself. My friends sometimes commented about me being skinny/not eating, but in general I felt good and accepted.

I had to go home every weekend, but I stayed out of the house as much as I could hanging out with my friends / going clubbing in the evenings. I wore several layers of baggy clothes cause they were comfy and I was always cold. My cousin was a bouncer in a night club next town along, so I often hopped in the train and went to his club. He would let me in to dance, but told all the bar staff not to sell me alcohol as I was under age. I didn't want alcohol anyway - water was my thing at the time.

When it was close to summer holidays after the first year in the music college I went out to the club on a Saturday as usual and danced the night away. Only on some point I noticed my heart beating really distinctively. It wasn't that it was beating in an unusual pattern, more like it was about to bounce off my chest, it was so loud, so strong. I wondered if someone had put drugs in my water, and then I think I passed out.

I woke up in a first aid room of the club with my cousin there. He said I'd fainted on the dance floor and gave me chocolate, which I refused. He said he'd drive me home straight away and would call our family doctor to look at me.. He only lived next door to us.

Mum&dad were concerned and once the doctor had checked me over he asked me to step on our scales. He told me I was seriously underweight and that I would have to put on weight or my heart would give up on me. I refused to go on any specialist ED programmes and promised mum&dad I would start eating again if they didn't put me into any therapy. They kept me home for the final weeks of the summer term and made up a rule of the minimum weight I had to be in order to return to the music college after summer holidays.

Funnily enough my dad never touched me that summer or ever since.. I don't know if he realised my difficulties with eating might have had something to do with him. Also he had cut down on drinking so that helped too. I forced myself to eat although it was hard, but by the end of the summer I just reached the weight we agreed would grant me the permission to return to my music college. I still had to come home every weekend and be weighed. Mum&dad said they'd keep me home if I lost any weight, so I had to make sure I ate enough during the week.

My music was my respite in all the daily struggles with food. Without it I don't think I'd still be here, and I'm grateful for it. I still find it hard to eat at times, but I don't want to risk all the good that I have now for being thinner... Because in all honesty I don't think I'd be completely happy with my body however thin I was.

Is it normal to struggle with eating / food because of history with sexual abuse?

<3: Muru

 

[Lucycat]

Eating disorders do seem to be far more common in people who have been abused.
The fact that you are so aware of what is happening to you should help prevent you from reverting to the severe weight loss and fainting. I would imagine you will need to be careful not to become obsessive about it, or obsessive about how much you worry about it.

It is another very good reason to start therapy as soon as you are able.

 

[digger]

Is it normal to struggle with eating / food because of history with sexual abuse?

It's not uncommon as a reaction to any form of abuse.

and I embraced that feeling of control by choosing not to eat.

And I think you've already at least partially figured out for yourself why. Control. When so much feels out of control, having something that you are in control of can feel like it gives you some relief. This could be with an eating disorder, some forms of self harm, OCD etc.What actually happens, as you've already found out, is that being in control is an illusion and it ends up being the disorder or behaviour controlling you rather than the other way around.

Awareness is key though and sounds like you are already on the right path there, but as Lucy said, you will need to be careful of that awareness not becoming obsessive in itself.

My music was my respite in all the daily struggles with food. Without it I don't think I'd still be here, and I'm grateful for it. I still find it hard to eat at times, but I don't want to risk all the good that I have now for being thinner...

This is really positive. Hold onto those thoughts and hold onto your music and see if you can find other things too that give you respite.

 

[digger]

Did you mention the eating disorder to the assessor?

 

[Muruluisku]

No....I didn't tell the assessor properly , but I did admit that I struggle with eating as part of my ongoing symptoms.

Thanks for helping me feel a bit calmer about it...but you're right ,if I didn't feel so anxious about it, maybe I could cope with it better. I try to keep a routine.... On the days when I work I wake up at six and drive to the centre early to avoid traffic, I have breakfast in the staff room and start work at 8am. I have my packed lunch in a canteen with the others... Although I'm really slow at eating and usually only manage half of my lunch in our half an hour lunch break. I've got really nice colleagues, and like them a lot. I finish between 4 and 4:30, and have a snack before driving home.

At home I do some housework, make dinner, play my accordion and do some stretching exercises while watching telly, and browse the forum.I avoid anything even remotely scary so that I won't get triggered/have nightmares because of it, unless I am with friends who know I'm jumpy and let me peek through my fingers or shuffle to sit closer to them during scary scenes. I love music, so I watch all the music and dancing programmes like Idol/ x-factor/ talent/ so you think you can dance etc..
.
On the days that I don't work I stay in bed a bit longer but then try to have a plan for doing some shopping or exercise like swimming or walking or going to an exercise class... And eat regularly .

In theory that should all be easy, but when flashbacks come I get so spaced out I loose perception of time and place, and I can loose a good part of my day. Or sometimes the nightmares at night make me so tired and scared I just stay in bed the next day and can't find my strenght to get up... I'm a bit of a mess and really up and down *sigh*

 

[bluebird]

Muru, I´ve been thinking about what you wrote. I see there is a huge difference between the sixteen years old girl you once were and the grown-up you at this moment. You are an adult. You know why you had stopped eating - to gain control - now, since you know about it, you can manage to control your life in another ways, which are not self-destructive. I honestly think you are doing really well by creating a shedule, doing things you want to do at the time you want to do them :-) When you know about something, you can change it...

Last week, we had a patient in the hospital, a young girl who was unable to walk outside of her house because of her fear of having panic attacks... However, unconscioussly, she was "using" (of course, without knowing it) this to get even more attention from her parents, who were overprotective and didn´t give her any chance to live on her own, so she in fact had no idea how to do it... "Escaping" into this ilness was easier. Her only chance for recovery was to understand and she may be able to do so eventually... But she won´t be able to live a full life without understanding herself...

The point is - since you already understand your subconscious reactions, you are kind of one step ahead, you have really good chance to overcome them :-)

You are really brave and strong, I am sorry about these nightmares and flashbacks, I can only imagine how terrifying they may be... But no matter what, you are still doing amazingly well, you still try, you still fight... Wish you much more "ups"! :-)