I'm Worried I Won't Stay With My Mother.

[Ivi]

So, I should start by saying I love my mother and in many respects she's been a decent, loving woman to me which is more than a lot of people can say about their mothers, crazy respect in the fact that she brought up me and my brother while coping with an alcoholic husband (my father/abuser) and working full time so we never went without.
So when I told her I'd been abused for a number of years by my father, I kinda expected her to leave him. Did that seem unreasonable, possibly? To this day, about 8 years later, she's still with him. We all live in the same house (my brother has moved out now with his wife. I am financially unable to go anywhere else or I'd be gone already) and I'm just...not really allowed to talk about anything. She accepts I hate my father, that we won't get on and that I will not speak to him.
My issue comes from the fact that...I kind of hate my mother for staying but I love her as well because she is a genuinely warm and kind person. I push her away frequently because of my hatred for her, then end up angry at myself because I shouldn't hate her, then I hear them talking downstairs and I get angry and upset all over again.
The crux of the matter is, I won't go to the police because of the love I have for my paternal grandparents (who know nothing, they think I hate him because he drank when I was young) but when I mention this my mother gets upset and says "What about me?" and then I end up terrified that if I do what I think is the 'right' thing to do and what I want, I end up destroying any relationship I have with my mother.
I hope that all makes sense, I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has had to sacrifice what should be such a good relationship (familial or not) for the sake of their own justice?

 

[Sideways]

I have a very strained relationship with my dad. It's taken over a year for me to be able to just be civilised with him when we cross paths. It's tied up with what happened to me when I was 4, but it's complicated.

My mum, on the other hand, love her to bits. Our relationship isn't what it used to be, but we've both been making a conscious effort to improve the relationship for a couple of years, and it's getting there.

Thing is, I know my mum loves me, but at the same time (& it's very painful to live with & does strain my relationship with her), I know that she loves my dad. They're soulmates. They come as a complete package. The only reason I've learnt how to be civil with him is because I decided that I wanted a relationship with my mum, & that means being civil to my dad.

2 caveats on that: I don't think my father was my actual abuser when I was 4 (it's complicated), and no way could I live with them.

Point is, your mum gets to choose her own path. Maybe you like it, maybe you don't. Maybe it feels disrespectful to you and invalidates the abuse you suffered. Unfortunately, what she does with her relationship with your dad is up to her...what you decide to do about your relationship with your mum, based on the choice she makes, is the only bit that you control.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do you think it is unrealistic for a mother to protect her children?

I think your mother failed to protect you. When she found out about the abuse, she failed to even react to that. Her momma bear instinct didn't kick in, it seems.

I believe your mother failed to provide you with the basic need of safety. I urge you to shift your frame of view perhaps and see that her actions are her responsibility. Please do what is right for you. Your mother failed to act and it appears that she's now manipulating you.

Sorry if I'm being clear as mud. Ugh, had a flashback and my mind is mushy.

 

[Sideways]

@EveHarrington - your post has made me wonder...

I know that my mum is important - one of the only people I have contact with outside my therapy team. But what you've said, I'm wondering to what extent I'm preserving that relationship because I feel I don't deserve any better.

I'm just gonna wonder about that for a while and not do anything rash (!), but I am curious about what others think about this issue...:tdown: