Imagine

[LostInCPTSD]

@LostInCPTSD

Thank you soooo much for sharing this with me!!!! Your post was ter...

I feel so apprehensive about opening up, it's so friggin scary - thank you for response.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Someone that didn't beat the shit out of me. Someone that had patience. Someone that actually wanted kids. What a novel thing that would be...

 

[Snowflake]

I feel so apprehensive about opening up, it's so friggin scary - thank you for response.

That's our PTSD -and trust issues. I always question myself when I post or respond and I feel so guilty after I do. Every response I'm waiting to get into trouble ....to get yelled at for something I said. It sucks!

 

[Snowflake]

Someone that didn't beat the shit out of me. Someone that had patience. Someone that actually wanted ki...

Almost seems like it's an unthinkable possibility -a mother that is nice and doesn't hurt us????. I always wonder if they really exist. An ideal mom that is.

 

[Lotis]

A mom that didn't kill my pets for not complying

I am sorry that your mother did those horrible things to you and to your pets. Ironically enough, your mother killed your pets my mother said she'd rather have raised poodles then me! I am laughing at the irony albeit not funny at all. :oops:
~L

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Snowflake Ideal moms are out there, I actually know several. We just picked the wrong straw when they were giving out parents...

 

[LostInCPTSD]

Someone that didn't beat the shit out of me. Someone that had patience. Someone that actually wanted ki...

That's our PTSD -and trust issues. I always question myself when I post or respond and I feel so gui...

Your absolutely right.. I can't believe how every post I'm reading is a facet of myself - I can't believe others are able to describe exactly how I feel or what I go through and all the shit that scares me to death every minute of every day, others are right there with me just no where in sight.. until I sign on here. You alone have helped me tremendously today. Stay strong.. we don't feel like we are most the time, but are incredibly strong.. we have to be to make it this far *hugs*

 

[Lotis]

Thank you again for posting and I'm sorry if I sound scattered or creepy or sound self absorbed by my replying. I just yesterday found courage to share my feelings after discovering this site, and finally opening up about my life experiences, and actually sharing with the world. But this post realllllly moved me. Thank you, friend in pain. I pray you feel the warmth you have been searching for..!!

I don't think you sound like any of those things you mentioned. I am really glad you found the courage to post and share your feelings. Keep posting if you feel comfortable because it helps. I am relatively new to this site but have found it pretty great so far.
I am sorry you had such a terrible mother and upbringing. I hope that deep down inside you know that her lack of empathy and love was a fault of hers, because there is something wrong with HER not you. Her inability to love, care, and nourish you throughout the years is horrifying and it sounds like there was nothing you could have done to change that. It must have felt terrible to hear her say "no". Despite her best efforts you survived, you are alive. I am sorry you lived on the streets that must have been incredibly hard.
I am glad that you found solace in my post.
Hopefully you will keep posting your feelings because lots of people here are listening.
~L

 

[PTSDisweird]

@Lotis i will respond today. It's a tough question. My therapist asked me in sess...

Patient, not narcisistic, not beat me, respectful of my feelings and the fact i am a unique individual and a kid, so i do things a kid does and not an adult. Would share her feelings and thoughts with me, and not be distant and a stranger to me. Since she gets ill so easily, take care of her health, if not for herself, at least for her son, whose heart becomes milion pieces every time his mother goes to the hospital nearly dead because she got a medicine she knew she shouldnt. These things and some more, none of these my mum did. And i loved her so much, and still do and always will no matter what.

 

[Snowflake]

Patient, not narcisistic, not beat me, respectful of my feelings and the fact i am a unique individ...

Thank you -I still love my mom too...she is my mom....but I can't forgive or forget .

 

[PTSDisweird]

Thank you -I still love my mom too...she is my mom....but I can't forgive or forget .

Both my parents treated me like s**t, in different ways each. But both gave me the idea that even the worst kid at my age is better than me. A core belief i will have for the rest of my life. I am an intelligent individual with decent skills, and yet i feel like a useless piece of meat. Well thats what they made, a disfunctional male adult who could do way way WAY better, and if i ever tell them how badly they treated me at my formative years, you know, i am all angry and mad and i try to blame them for my own mistakes. Parents are not to blame, only kids are. But in the end of the day here i am, still living and trying to fix myself, didnt have good childhood but i can learn from it and live better now and not do the same to my kids when and if i have. Its not worth being mad at them. I hoped they would change, but not even close to it. So i accepted them, and trying to forgive them. Nope i cant forget, and its not healthy either. But i can forgive and go on.

 

[void]

My ideal Mom would have died shortly after I was conceived.

.....and Yes, i know that means I would have never lived.