In a bad place and don't know what to do.

[Briellewannabe]

I have some very extreme suicidal thoughts right now but feel like I have no where to turn. Partly because I don't want help, but the other part is because I've run out of people to help. In times like this, when the thoughts are out of control, I've in the past called my therapist or a hotline... it usually helps enough to distract me, at least for a moment, and allow the more rational side of my brain to take over. I can't do that anymore. I can't call my therapist because she had me committed several months ago, and I don't ever want to give her reason to do it again, although I think she knows it was a mistake and would strongly be hesitant in doing so. I can't call the hotlines because the last two times I have they sent the police--the last time the officer demanded I go to the hospital voluntarily or they would do another 51/50.

I have these clips of me doing it--they run over and over again. Every possible and conceivable way. Practical ones and impractical ones. I can't share them with anyone because the people who I have in the past freak out... which I get, but it also leaves me feeling like there is no one that might be able to help in these moments.

I can't shut them off. I can't distract myself. I went for a walk and it took everything of me to not jump in front of a car or a train when crossing the tracks. I've picked up a razor blade multiple times today but I know that I'm not supposed to do it... and if I go I'd want to go by a method that would definite in carrying the plan out. I have plans, but no intent right now. I know of and have access to so many ways.

It's hurting me to not do it... I feel like I'm going crazy. I don't know what I need to do... I'm trying to remember people, but the thoughts and feelings are so loud and intense right now.

 

[Freida]

Oh hun I'm so sorry you are feeling like this...

I feel like I'm going crazy. I

you aren't going crazy --- crazy people don't ask themselves that. So you are good there

I don't know what I need to do...

You do what you are doing --- reach out to people. I know it scares you to reach out to your T or the crisis line, but maybe that's what you need to do to help you get safe. I can't imagine how scary it would to get st
uck in the hospital against my will - but if that's what I need to keep myself safe and alive..... Then it's worth it.

I can't share them with anyone because the people who I have in the past freak out.

You are good to share here --- most of the people around here are pretty tough and not much surprises them. So they won't freak out on you....

 

[EveHarrington]

Phone settings.

Show number?

No.

Voila!

Phone untraceable.

Please call the hotline.

 

[Briellewannabe]

Thank you, Freida.

Phone settings.

Show number?
No.
Voila!
Phone untraceable.
Please call the hotline.

Thanks for the suggestion. The last time I did this and they still were able to locate me and send the police. I told them I didn't have a plan or any intent, but I also told them by thoughts, and I guess that was enough.

 

[Freida]

I know it upsets you that the police were sent -- so maybe I can help turn that around???

A call comes into 911 - and we know the person we are talking to is in trouble. We know that they feel suicidal - even if they don't come right out and tell us. How? Decades of experience. Feeling suicidal and being suicidal are two different things in my book. But one can lead to the other and we want to stop it from happening. Why? Partly because it is our job and partly because we actually give a damn. We see what you don't -- we see how hard you are trying to keep it together, how hard you are struggling, how desperate you are. And we know you can't see it. That's how we got involved in the first place. And we are not about to lose you. We will fight with you, we will lie, we will bribe, we will do whatever we need to to get you through that place and to get you somewhere safe. Because you deserve to be safe - even when you don't believe it. We send the cops to track you down for the same reason -- because they also can see what you don't. And they are not going to lose you either. They will arrest you if they have to, just to keep you safe.

Why do we make such a big deal about it? Because we are on the front lines when someone kills themselves. We talk to the screaming family members and friends who find them. Those people who the person swore didn't care about them, who are now wailing that they didn't understand how bad it was. They are the ones who ask us over and over, "what did I miss?" "why didn't I see it?" "why would they do this?"
We take each and every suicide very personally -- just like the therapists and hospitals do. Because even though we are the faceless, nameless people behind the phone or the badge we do care.

So yes -- I'm going to track you down and save you -- and I'm not going to care that it pisses you off. Because I would rather you be pissed off and alive than dead. So does your T. Mine had to cancel an appointment earlier this month because one of her clients killed himself. She was crying so hard when she called me she could barely talk.

People do care. You just don't always see that. Let them help. Even if you don't like it.

 

[hithere]

I have some very extreme suicidal thoughts right now but feel like I have no where to turn. Part...

How are you doing on this now? I can relate. I don't know how it happens, but eventually there is a "switch" that gets flipped and those obsessive non stop thoughts, feelings diminish.

 

[Briellewannabe]

How are you doing on this now? I can relate. I don't know how it happens, but eventually there is a "sw...

Hi Hithere,

I haven't found the switch yet. The thoughts are still very much here and intrusive, but not as overwhelming as they were the day I posted this. I've been able to try and distract myself with work trainings and my grad school program, though with a lot of mini breakdowns along the way. Still, it is better than it was. Thanks for asking.

 

[hithere]

thanks for sharing. I'm thinking of you.