Relationship In Love W Combat Ptsd Man For 2 Yrs Who Says He "can't" Love Me. Help!

[ButterflyBoof]

Hi everyone...well, I finally had to turn to this forum for help. I will TRY to be brief, though that may be a bit of a challenge if I am to make the picture clear. But here I go, as I really need your help/input...

My "guy" of one year and 8 months still isn't MY guy. He is a 47 yr old combat PTSD sufferer from the first gulf war. So for all this time, we have been exclusive as far as sex goes. We do everything together. We spend pretty much every day together, hang out with his family on a regular basis. Basically, we are gf/bf in every sense and to everyone around us except HIM! He has told me from day one that he "can't" feel love, can't fall in love...can't feel what he says he SHOULD if he is to give me the title of "girlfriend."

Now, I KNOW how real his PTSD is...I actually have PTSD as well, and this is one of the things that has bonded us together. The things that USUALLY freak out the guys I date (the fact that crowds stress me out, anger issues, fear of meeting new people, etc) he gets, and I get his "issues" as well...neither one of us even sweat it with each other. But I am so deeply in love with him and he tells me he loves me, but that it's different for him than me. That he feels that part of him is dead forever, and so when he meets other women he does NOT present himself as taken. He so far in almost 2 years has not gone out with anyone else but still refuses to commit to me in any way.

My "friends" are so cruel about this, and try to tell me how I'm being used, that he is getting all the benefits without the commitment etc. And while I get where they are coming from, I know HIM. He has a wonderful, very close-knit family and he adores them. We are together as a group often and I am "one of them." He treats me like a QUEEN...very much a gentleman to me...always opens doors for me, never yells at me (we rarely fight), calls/texts several times a day every day, spoils me rotten with gifts and help, is there for me when I'm sick, sad, etc...I can call him at 3am (and have) and he is always concerned, never angry (and he has major anger issues, so the fact that he rarely "takes it out on me" says a lot to how much respect he has for me).

So anyway, he tells me he loves me but "not in the same way." Tells me he cares for me deeply but will never be able to return my feelings, and he says he often feels guilty because he is hurting me and that I should find someone who will give me everything I want. Well, I don't WANT anyone else, I want HIM! I want to spend my life with this person and though we have "broken up" many times, we always end up back together...it never even lasts an entire day. He says I make him happy. He tells his family that I make him laugh. He says he's happy with me and doesn't want me to go anywhere but then also says he doesn't want to be the reason I hold back from finding someone who CAN love me. This always hurts me...if I mention dating other guys etc, he says it would be a little weird for him but that he would give me dating advice and he would not be jealous. That hurts so much.

So, I go to the old adage "actions speak louder than words." Well, he treats me like a gf in almost every respect (I just want it declared to his family, friends, FB, women he meets etc) and is so good to me, and I KNOW he doesn't want to lose me. I guess I am so sad because I love him so much and all I really want from him at this moment is to be his gf. If I have to wait (even if it never comes) for him to fall in love, or want to marry me, so be it. I just want to know I'm part of a committed relationship with him and he says that day will never come. He wrote me an email when he was upset with me and said if I was waiting for him to come around, if he was going to he would have by now. He said that I read too much into the caring things he does for me...that while he cares deeply, it is NOT an indication of some deep down love that is waiting to spring forth...I can't tell you how much that hurt. The next day, after his agitation had subsided, he apologized and said if he had that letter to write over again, he'd never say those things. And let me tell you, I don't push him.

He knows how I feel...he knows I love him and want more, but I don't bug him about it. So, I need an outlet. I need help and advice and I don't want to burden him with these musings. Please, any and all advice/insight etc will be greatly appreciated. Feel free to ask any follow up questions. BTW, I am 43, in case that matters.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[wife of]

Has he ever intimated that he would want to love you? I think you are maybe selling yourself short by commiting yourself to this guy if he has no aim towards wanting you mind body and soul.

 

[20yrswife]

I think I would also be asking myself if he what he is saying is that he WANTS to love you fully but feels like he can't (barrier). For *me, that would be a distinctive difference in your situation vs. his telling you he doesn't or can't without the WANT. What a heartwrenching position to be in, when every other aspect fits and you've put the investment in it, along with his family and friends (who probably knew him at the beginning of his CPTSD) have perception of your being together and your being good for him (and vice versa).

 

[ButterflyBoof]

*wife of: no, he has never said he wants to love me. He was told by his counselor that the "feelings" are like a muscle...to kind of "practice" being in love etc...he has no intentions of doing this. He has told me I'm not his type and that he allows me to (unfairly) fill a void in his life, with no promise of a future. I guess I hang in there because what he SAYS and what he DOES are so different...it's very confusing.

*20yrswife: He's never given me any indication that he WISHES he could love me. He just says he "can't." I don't know if he has feelings he ISN'T sharing, like wanting to love me etc...I'd like to think so but he says to trust what he says. but here's the thing...when I try to leave him, he will backtrack on hurtful things he says...ie, if that night he's told me he will never love me and I say ok, then what the hell are we doing?? later he will say "well, I am happy with you and want you to be happy" kind of thing. He is very confusing and he knows it and has admitted it and I just don't know if I'm filling the void for him until the "real" thing comes along or if he is more attached to me than he says or what...sigh.

I just know I love him deeply and just feel that after almost 2 years of this, I deserve a commitment. His response to that is "it would only be in word, not in my heart and I have told you from day one I do not want a commitment." I just keep ending up in the same place...we get along so well, and have such a good time together that I stay, to see it thru to the "end." and yes, his family all THINK we are bf/gf, as he does not clarify one way or the other to them, but he says our situation is complicated enough to US that he doesn't want to bring family into it.

Thank you for your help/advice/concern...nice to know someone does care. :)

 

[Luly]

I am going thru exactly the same thing...worse part is he was abandoned by his wife upon retrn from Iraq and left alone to raise his 3 children. I have been dating him for 7 mths and no commitmnt, no I love you, no talking about the future and very little to no affection lately. Last argument we had, he unfriended me on Fbk and he erases my cmmnts, we visit church svce together, I am invited to family gatherings as well almost like I am his GF with no affection directed towards me on his part. I am almost convinced that I have to walk away but for some reason...I love him so much and it hurts me to abandon him and the children.

 

[Dallas]

I have been dating him for 7 mths and no commitmnt, no I love you, no talking about the future and very little to no affection lately.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Bilby]

ButterflyBoof, I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you are in. I can hear how much you love this man and that you understand his illness as you too, suffer from it.

I am far from what I'd call an expert and even if I was, I'm not an expert in your relationship :) Having said that, I have to say I'm concerned for you. You sound as though you are very happy with him and spend a lot of quality time together that you both get something out of, but if he is unwilling to present himself as 'taken' to anybody else in any way, shape or form, after all this time.... that would be seriously concerning for me. It sounds as though he is getting all the benefits of the relationship, without committing himself - all the while knowing how desperately you wish this to be the case. Does he see this as a 'friends with benefits' scenario? (I'm not trying to be crass - I'm sincerely trying to gauge where he is at)

To his credit, he has been honest with you about where he's at, but I can't help but feel he may be taking advantage of you? If it were a case of where you were happy to not be in a committed relationship and you were both therefore at exactly the same place emotionally and getting what you both want out of the relationship, then by all means carry on, but that doesn't seem to be the case?

My heart goes out to you. This must be quite hurtful for you and very confusing. I hope that I haven't said anything here that has caused you any further upset as I genuinely feel concerned for you in this situation. :hug:

 

[Gecko]

First and foremost let me say I empathize with you. It is a tough situation you're in. :banghead:

Secondly, much like BILBY states above, I'm a far from what you would call an expert in anything, and even if I were, I couldn't be considered an expert in YOUR relationship, so take this for what it's worth.

One of the BIGGEST effects that PTSD has had on me has been the isolation factor. The wanting to keep people at arms distance. It's a two-headed beast though, for at times I crave the company of those that understand me. That get me.

You mention that's one of the things that you 'bonded' over... but that same beast is what keeps separating you. It's the same beast that keeps breaking you apart.

I can offer no solid advice as to whether this is a solid relationship or not aside from pointing out a few things:

- He has been upfront and honest with you.
- He treats you "like a queen" to paraphrase you.

Now, if these are not enough, and you truly do need more from him at this point of the relationship, then staying could become more hurtful than helpful.

 

[SRE7267]

This breaks my heart to read - But it sounds to me that he is simply not in a place where he can love you the way YOU DESERVE. There's no doubt that there is a deep connection between the two of you, that you care for one another and you obviously have a great time together and feel a part of his life. But if he is honest with you in that he cannot love you the same way you love him... and if he never expresses that he wishes that he could love you (that would be a good question to ask him)... then you must do what is necessary for you -- because you deserve to have every bit the same kind of love given to you as you give to others.

It's not easy to make a change in a relationship with someone that you love... to put the "friends only" label on it when you have such deep feelings for him. It's scary to make those changes because even with the greatest of intentions, you know that the dynamic will change between the two of you because you will be "free" to date other people and eventually that will happen and so where does that leave you and your guy? It's tough - and scary - and when the two of you have helped each other through so much and you connect on a level that you've never been able to share with someone else... it makes it that much harder to make the decision to change the relationship.

But you must know that you are worth more than someone who tells you they cannot love you. It would be different if this was an insecurity within himself that he expressed in the beginning of your relationship and throughout the 2 years has been working on it and you've seen progress. But after two years and it essentially staying the same -- you have no other choice than to listen to him and what he says, regardless of his actions. He may very well be pushing you away and may very well be too scared to commit... and there's no doubt he loves you in some way... but you cannot change these things for him - he must change it himself... and if he's unwilling to do that, well then it just is what it is. You cannot allow him to hold you back in your own life. Be there for him still, love him still, but open yourself and your heart to other possibilities because you deserve to be happy, to have someone love you and not be afraid to show it.

I wish you strength... and I truly hope for you and your guy that the two of you find and feel that love that you both deserve whether it be with each other or otherwise. All the best.