Undiagnosed In Need Of Advice

[rm2883]

Hello, let me begin by letting everyone know I am a 20 y/o male, live in the states, and have not been diagnosed with PTSD as of now. I would like to tell my story and see if I am in the right place as to what I believe may be wrong with me mentally.

At the age of 13/14 my dad was diagnosed with Hepatitis C & Cirrhosis of the liver. This was coupled with the fact that it was around the time of the beginning of the recession, so my mom had lost her job as well. Financially life went from very easy to barely having food on the table. Aside from that my dad began an interferon treatment (similar to chemo for cancer patients; many of the same side effects) that made him terribly sick for months at a time. This treatment went on for about 2 1/2 years. During this time I dont recall him leaving his bed for more than an hour at a time. Up until him being diagnosed we had been very close, could talk to him about anything, and was overall a very optimistic person. I watched him turn from everything I just described to a very sad and pessimistic being. This had the same effect on me but I was always the type to act like everything was ok. After his treatment was over he was able to rid himself of the Hep C but the damage to him mentally took him over. He began to resort to methadone to block out everything. The drug abuse has gone on and off up until the present time. My mother became sick of it and began living a secret life with another man about 2 years ago when my dad eventually caught her and put her out of the house 3 months before my graduation. It took me about 2 years for me to muster up the strength to begin restructuring our relationship.

That was a brief insight into my teenage years up until now. Below I will list some of the things I struggle with daily.

- Emotionally detached, feel unable to love
- Constant thoughts of everything that went wrong in my life
- Some very distinct moments that I replay almost daily
- Many of the thoughts coming at night
- Very quiet around people who I should be the closest to (family)
- Live in the same house as my dad, but we rarely talk
- Trust issues
- Never been in a relationship
- Deep hatred for governmental institutions
- Very pessimistic
- Constant sweating
- Always from my armpits
- Not afraid of social interactions, but will do anything to avoid them

I also used to be heavily involved in drugs. I used to smoke about 6-7 blunts of marijuana a day but I am now 6 weeks clean for the first time since I was about 14. Also used to take LSD (6-7 times) which heavily changed my train of thought and how I viewed society.

If you are still reading up to this point, thank you. I am not looking for pity from others, but rather answers and advice as to where I should start or if I am even in the right place. I have been experiencing these symptoms for years and I can no longer do it. Please respond with anything you think could help. Thank you.

 

[Deleted member 19804]

Hi @rm2883 , welcome to the forum!

I'm very sorry to hear about what you and your family have been through. It must be really hard to be so disconnected from the people you love.

To me, it seems like you are giving a very natural response to the situation you've been living in all this time. If you have been shown time and time again that the people around you are in pain and hurting each other, it is very logical you take over some of that attachment style. You've had to worry about your father's health for a very long time and your mother turned out to be having an affair instead of staying loyal to her husband. Now your mom has moved out and you're alone with your seriously ill father. Where do you come in? You deserve to be taken care of, too! You may be an adult, but it's very normal to still want and need your parents' guidance and support. To me, it sounds like the emotional detachment is a defense mechanism you adopted, because letting the stress and uncertainty in would make it almost impossible to still function as a normal human being. Same goes for the drug use; it could very well be the only way for you to "get away" from such a stressful life. Does that sound familiar?

But congratulations on being sober for 6 weeks! That is a great step forward and you should be proud of that :) Keep up the good work!

There is a great article on this site about PTSD symptoms. You can find it here: [DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/thevault/posttraumatic-stress-disorder.17/[/DLMURL]

We cannot give you a diagnosis over the internet, but whether you have PTSD or not, you should take these symptoms seriously. I would strongly recommend you see a psychologist about this. There is absolutely no shame in that and it can be very helpful. Remember, diagnoses are only categories which makes it easier to identify and perhaps to treat one's symptoms. Don't attach too much value to a diagnosis, as it does not suddenly make your problems more "real", and neither does it increase the importance of taking them seriously.

I really hope you'll soon find more answers and find the right help. You are important, don't forget that.

Virtual hug if you'd like one :hug:

 

[digger]

Hi @rm2883

As Snowwhite says, no one here can diagnose you, but, if you have a good read of the thread she linked to, especially the diagnostic criteria, you'll probably notice that what you've shared here doesn't seem to point towards PTSD, so this may not be the best place for advice for you.

Advice on where to start from me, would be seeing your doctor or a therapist to talk about this stuff.

Hope that helps.

 

[intothelight]

@rm2883 Welcome to the forum!

No one here can really say that you have or do not have PTSD. However, there are many issues that you are struggling and it would probably be a good idea to seek the help of a mental health professional. They can find the diagnosis, but most importantly give you the information that you need to make your life better.

 

[RussH]

I am sorry for all that has happened to you and your family.

I think you should talk with a professional, a therapist that will help you work through these various issues that you are dealing with. Like Snow and Digger said we cannot give you a diagnosis here on the forum as we are not phychologist or therapist trained in diagnoising PTSD.

I do think talking with a therapist will help you greatly in gaining perspective about your past, putting it where it belongs: the past, and looking to the future. Sometimes life turns its ugly side toward us, and it is almost like it is attacking us and trying to beat us down. When that happens we have to fight back.

Life has dealt you some difficult circumstances, but it is up to you how you respond to it. You have a choice; you can accept that this has happened and life generally sucks, or you can stand up to the adversity, and let this experience strengthen you and give you the tools you need to thrive. A therapist can help you find the tools to overcome the adversity, and move on with your life.

Stay in touch with us and let us know how you are doing.

 

[Justmehere]

First of all, good work on quitting and being clean for 6 weeks! That's amazing! Way to go!

I'm so sorry for what you have gone through. It makes sense that what you had to deal with might be having a lasting impact on you. As it has been said, no one here can say if you have PTSD or not. It could be possible you are struggling with attachment issues and any number of mental health problems related to what you had to deal with growing up.

Some ideas of where to start to get help (some of which you may have already tried or are already doing):

- Getting clean is one great step in the right direction! It would be a good next step to find support to keep up the good work. One good resource would be to find a 12 step or other addiction recovery support group. (You may have already done this, but wanted to suggest it in case you haven't looked into it already.)

- Find a good therapist. If money is a challenge, and since you are in the US, you can call your local united way or your county mental health center for referrals to low cost / sliding scale providers.

- In the meantime, read all that you can about healthy ways to cope with emotionsand symptoms you are feeling. Books on DBT skills, grounding, and mindfulness is often helpful for people struggling with a wide variety of mental health symptoms.

- Talk to a primary care doctor or preferably get in to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for medication support. The drugs you used can leave lasting changes to brain chemistry and sometimes medication can help while the brain heals.

You have already taken brave steps to get clean and reach out here. Don't lose hope! Things can get better.

 

[Mystery]

Hello rm2883, I sense that you are an intelligent guy and that you must relate to the word trauma or flashback maybe, in order to have come on this site and ask the questions that you have. Am I right in that or not?

What you have shared is a really sad and difficult thing to happen to a young man and it is no wonder that you found peace and escape in marijuana. It's good at doing that. I hear you on the LSD. I'm wondering the actual spacing over your teens that you had it those times?

I have 2 young adult sons that started smoking it at 14 ish and have struggled through their teens to become independent. Because they had friends who were all doing that too, I've met and got to know many of their friends and because I'm one of those Mum's that is a non-judgemental havachat. I've heard lots of their stories too. Alot of kids have a go at drugs in their teens but the one's who keep doing it and go on to every day use always have a reason for wanting to escape. My kids went through all sorts of things with getting away from their abusive Dads.

Are you reluctant to go to a doctor or psychologist? That's understandable if you are. I agree with some of the advice above that a psychologist is a good person to go to because they don't start wondering straight away, which medication to give you. Smoking for all those years and I've seen this in my sons, does a few different things to us. (Yes I did it too starting at 14).

There is what's going on in the brain chemicals while your high as we all know, it takes months, even years for them to settle when you quit.
The fact that adolescence is a period of rapid growth of new connections in the brain.
Whilst you are scoring, smoking, chasing marijuana and being stoned...all the things you are not doing that other teenagers are.
You get a bit behind the 8 ball, compared to other kids either in schooling, socially or learning new adult life skills.
This affects your confidence, you at first felt more grown up to the other kids being a stoner you soon realize you are not achieving as well as your peers.
Then you are a young adult competing with all the other young adults but you haven't taken the learning pathway they did.
You are a little behind in your development.
You are also hanging out with people that do it, people that sell it and you are immersed in a flock of wounded and disturbed characters. You are part of a seedy uncaring food-chain. There are almost no real friends in that world.
You start to look for a way out but you feel that you don't fully belong in either world.

When you decide you have had enough of doing drugs and being in that world, you realize what you need to make up, it's overwhelming. You have few true friends, you are anxious, don't feel well equipped to compete and confused. Then you have to learn about girls from a difficult start. These things are possible though. I've seen many young men grow through this, they just took a little longer but by 25-28 they're all the same.

And you are a precious young man, who has had very little support for a long time, I just want to scoop you up in my arms and tell you that you can heal and that you are so worth it. You've been to the other side, hopefully I won't get in trouble for saying that I sense that you are afraid of what you are thinking/feeling or more specifically not feeling in relation to your thoughts. To let us know that you have a deep hatred of government institutions is really brave of you and tells me that you know it's 'deep'. There must be a reason for that in your experience that I would care to know if you want to share.

Please don't stop reaching out and take the risks you need to take to heal. If you are repeatedly going over everything that went wrong in your life, maybe you are searching for answers to why it is this way now. If you are very pessimistic then that says that you have little hope for a better future to me. Going to a psychologist is for those two very things. To work out the past, how it has created the present and get tools to have a better future. That's why I do it and it works.